So I finally found a place to use the internet here in Hong Kong. I’m sure there’s one closer to where I am staying but I was SURE I could find one here on Nathan road where all the backpackers hang out so I looked harder. Now that I am online though, I’m trying to figure out why I was so anxious to get online to begin with. It was to get a hold of Christopher, but I’m not sure if he would have been able to be online anyway. Oh well. So I’m going to write an email/blog to just talk about the things that have happened so far.

Wow. My Hong Kong trip has been great so far. A lot of little miracles has made this trip smooth sailing.

1) Preparing to Leave
I spent Sunday cleaning (getting ready for Christopher’s return in my absense) and packing while listening to General Conference on my computer. It was pleasantly surprising to receive phonecalls from the YSA who were looking for me at church. They hadn’t seen my on Tuesday for Institute either and it makes sense that they worried a little. It was a crazy week. I’m glad it was conference so I didn’t have to fit church into the schedule.

I left my apartment at 5.30 after making sure the cats had plenty to eat. As it was half an hour later than sceduled, I decided to cab to Dongzhimen where the airport shuttle bus stop was instead of either walking or taking a bus (which would have taken about 20 rinutes either way). Just after I had got some food at McDonalds (for some reason I’d been craving fast food for the past couple of days with no desire whatsoever to eat any cheap Chinese) the bus arrived. Perfect timing.

I got to Terminal 3 at 6.20, lots of time to spare for a 7:50 flight. T3 is a newly opened terminal and it reminds me very much of KLIA, the airport back home. Very large and spacious and modern looking all that jazz. Nothing like the terminal before. Checking in was so painless: my first time with an E-ticket and not checking in any luggage. (A really light back pack and my usual day bag was all I brought). I made the mistake of changing money at the aiport where the rate sucked and there was a RMB50 charge for the transaction. I feel like I’ve been spending uneccessary money left and right on my Hong Kong visa run. First with the plane ticket, next with the passport photo I took at a new place which charged me RMB45(!!!) for 10 crappy pictures of me. My mistake for not asking the price first. They photoshopped all my zits out, and made the background whiter, woo hoo! Sheesh.

Anyway, at the airport, I was so excited to see a Burger King there but since I’d already sold my soul for McDonalds, I got myself a Sundae instead. I am thinking about possibly making a trip out to the airport sometime just for Burger King. Sad huh? Just like when I went all the way out to Ikea for Swedish Meatballs.

Turns out I should have not stayed as long at Burger King with my ice cream and my book. It was a trek yet to the security check and the boarding gate. Fortunately the metal detector stayed quiet for me - some other people had bad luck and were felt up by the security check girl for no apparent reason. However, they did confiscate my little bottle of saline solution I bought and left sealed specifically for that trip and had to pull out my toothpaste and deodorant before running my bag through the Xray again. I thought I was going to be toothpaste and deodorant-les (not the deodorant Christopher brought from the States especially for me!) Fortunately, they put those back in. Phew. So at least my breath and armpits don’t wreak.

I boarded my plane at 7.40. I wasn’t the last one, but it was during the last call. I got a window seat so the couple that had the isle and middle seat had to get up for me to get to my place.

2) Plane Ride
Flight went well. I always use plane rides to look out the window, ponder, think and write while sipping on the orange juice they serve. I prefer that to reading and watching a movie. Much to my surprise and delight, they were serving dinner on the plane! I don’t know why I was surprised. I guess maybe I thought they wouldn’t bother on a 3.30 hour ride. They gave me fish instead of pork like I’d asked, but I figured that since I don’t get fish in my diet very often I should just be grateful for the change. At this point, I’d already had too much to eat, but I love plane food so I pretty much finished it all. It made me glad I hadn’t got a Whopper at Burger King like I was tempted to. Next came ice cream! More ice cream. I hope my neighbors didn’t think me too weird when I got some sprite and made a yummy, foamy, ice-cream float with it instead. Mmm, that was good.

I listened to the last session of General Conference on my ipod after dinner. I really loved the talks and actually paid very good attention up until somewhere soon after the halfway mark when I fell asleep.

When I woke up, we were 1/2 hour from landing. Not a bad way to spend a plane ride, I think.

3) Arriving in Hong Kong.
I arrived at 11.10pm, about 10 minutes earlier than scheduled. After clearing immigration, I smiled to myself at not having to wait for my bag at the baggage claim and headed directly to the ticket counter to buy tickets for the airport express into town. I gave the man my $1000 bill, he gave me a round trip ticket and I started putting my change away when I realized… 100,200,300, 390 - he’d given me change for only $500!!! Not wanting to pay 610 for a train ride, I quickly said something. He apologized, said he probably forgot, told me to wait, made a phonecall. As soon as help came, they closed the booth, sent people away, and started counting up the money they had by punching numbers in the calculator and scribbling equations onto the back of the brochures that they had. I had waited about 20 minutes, and told many customers that they were closed and directed them to another counter that I’d never been to before, when finally, the man just gave me $500 and sent me on my way (even though the accounts were still a complete mess). I thought it was funny that I felt more sorry for him than for me.

So that was my “Welcome to Hong Kong” experience. The ride on the airport express was quick. I barely missed the MTR when I transfered at Tsing yi, but Heavenly Father was watching out for me and I caught THE VERY LAST TRAIN into the Hong Kong/Central at 12.32am.

On the train, I couldn’t help but think how much this place reminded me of Singapore. The only difference I could tell was the language. The Cantonese that was to me like Mandarin when I first went to Beijing - except I understood more.

I’m glad I wrote down Nicola’s detailed directions from the MTR to their apartment. I’d thought I could just figure them out on my own but boy was I wrong. I ended up going out a different exit from where I was directed but walked until I recognized the landmarks she had pointed out. The street the apartment is on, Des Vouex Rd, is a LOOOOOOOOONG one, so I’m glad I had landmarks to help me keep from wandering too far. Basically, when I got to out of the MTR, I wasn’t sure exactly where I was and how to get to where I wanted to go, but I wasn’t alone that night. I just followed “hunches”, kept my eyes peeled for something familiar, wandered just a few short minutes on the narrow streets flanked by TALL buildings that were blinking with neon lights (and that smelled of gutter in the same way Malaysia did - it actually felt very welcoming)and walked right to Central 88 - home - which is a miracle considering I had expected their apartment to be a different direction from the MTR.

They were expecting me. The night guard was very friendly, as Nicola had promised they would be. He turned out to be a Malaysian from Penang. It made me wonder about his life and his story. It was nice to be greeted by someone from home.

Nicola and Andrew’s place in Hong Kong is basically a small hotel suite with a kitchenette, a HUGE TV, a small couch, table for 2 people, a desk, and a short bed in the other room (honestly, how do either of them fit on that bed, much less BOTH?), a room with no doors, but half a wall partitioning them from the living area. Neither Nicola or Andrew are in town so it felt very much like checking in into a suite except that the closets have other people’s stuff in there. I am so very grateful for their hospitality. I know my Hong Kong experience would be much different if I had to look for a hostel in Kowloon at that time of the night instead of being immediately taken into that haven in Central HK.

It was lonely though, I have to say. It reminded me of the very first time I had traveled on my own: leaving Malaysia for BYUH the very first time. Mom had walked me through every detail of the trip. Check in here, security check, gate, board plane. Exit plane, look for the transfer counter, get boarding pass, check your luggage. Transfer to Singapore. Spend the night in a small airport hotel room. Transfer counter again to Japan etc. Last night at the Dougherty’s I was reminded very vividly of my first night away from home alone. I was excited for what the future held. I was proud of myself for having done all that alone. But I was also lonely and the prospect of being an adult and doing things alone like grow ups did was scary - and I cried.

Last night, I wrote in my journal then cried a little, wishing home (i.e. Christopher) could be a little closer. But otherwise, thanked my Heavenly Father for watching over me and for the comforts he had blessed me with all throughout, and slept soundly until Morning.

4) Finding my way around
My immediate goal the next day was to get Visa things sorted out. Unfortunately, I was not able to get myself out of bed at 7am like I had planned and ended up sleeping in till *gulp* 10.30am. REALLY late considering I had planned to be done with Visa things by then. When I got back out to the street, the adventure began again. I hopped on a tram (a “Ding ding”) which stopped right across the street, amazingly had exact change on me for it, but got off a couple of stops too early since I wasn’t sure where we were. No problem. I got myself ripped off for a map at 7-11 (but at least it was a good one with a good tourist information booklet and free - FREE! - postcards) and went from there. Navigating was no problem since I knew exactly which roads to look out for - and they are a lot closer walking than they look on the map, the roads being OH so narrow - and finally found the church building on the corner, as expected, with the visa place just accross the bridge.

5) Visa.
I wasn’t sure where I was supposed to go. But when I saw the line, about 100 people long, I knew I had found the place. To be sure, I asked the last person in line, a middle aged American who looked like he was traveling, what the line was for, .

“The bathroom” he said.
“Are you serious?” I’m gullible, like a good little girl should be. What can I say.
“It’s probably the line you want, for visas.”

I got in line behind him. We made friendly conversation on our visa situations. David, I learned, was originally from New York and then from California, and had been doing export business in Nanning for the past 7 years. We were chatting when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, coming out of the building we were trying to get IN to, a colorful figure, the clothes, the gait -unmistakable- it was Mirjana, my co-worker who I knew would be in Hong Kong sorting out visa issues too!

My new friend was nice to hold my place in line and I ran toward her, giving her the shock of her life. We walked back to my place in line and talked a little about our situations, and because she had been there a whole day before either of us, had some good suggestions to offer about the place. She had got there at 7am (2 hours before they opened) and now, at 11.35 had just gotten out. Yikes. Where would that leave me?

The line wasn’t moving as slowly as we thought, I guess. As it turns out, it was just for the security check. We got in just barely before 12pm when they closed the doors for lunch. Wow.

As soon as we were out the elevators on the 7th floor, there was a moment of confusion “what to do next?” Everybody wanted to be first, so there was sort of a mad dash - for forms, for numbers. I pulled out the crumpled form from my bag that I had already filled back in Beijing, and asked the young man in the suit who seemed to be helping people and asked if it was too crumpled to use. He replied in a strangely refreshing Australian accent, that it would be just fine, gave me a number saying “You’ll just want to keep your eye on the board for your number” and THEN he said “Wait a minute. Take this one instead. It will get you there faster. MUCH faster.” I thanked him and then wandered around before I re-located David who had found a spot in the back corner of the room and was sitting on the floor filling his form.

Turns out, while the numbers being called at the moment were in the 230s, his number was 368 and mine, *298* I have been bumped up SEVENTY spaces. That was about a whole hour’s wait, I think. I made a small joke about cute people getting the edge, but said a silent prayer of gratitude. When I finally got to the counter around 1:30pm, I was told my pickup would be at 3.30pm the next day. If it had been an hour later, I would not be able to catch my flight back into town.

The wait wasn’t bad at all. David pulled out a deck of well-worn cards and taught me how to play Cho Dai Di/ Big 5, the version of Scum with poker hands that all real Chinese people know how to play and that I had learned at my grandmother’s funeral once only to forget after. We played while getting to know about each other’s personal lives more. It made me wonder about how I come across to strangers that I meet like that. I felt a little self-conscious about being such a square in comparison to “normal people” like him. I use replacement swear words, I have according to him a sickeningly cheerful disposition, I teach preschool - which says a LOT about who I am. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t gamble. I have a boyfriend, but we’re not having sex or living together. The list goes on.

Hearing David restate a bunch of things that he had learned about me felt kind of weird. It was as if to him, I was doing everything right. Before he learned that I went to BYU-Hawaii and was LDS, he said something about “Where’s your husband and where’s your 5 kids?”

I know that it’s a good kind of different, but sometimes I really do feel like an alien in this world. It’s easy to forget how different we are when I’m constantly surrounded by people just like me. I hope that I am never ashamed of the kind of different that I am.

6) Church
So the visa experienced turned out to be a journal entry one. Heavenly Father always finds ways to place people in my path. I hope that it was a good experience for David too.

As soon as I had said my goodbyes, I was back out on the street trying to decide what I would do with all the time I had left. I decided to stop by the church building on the corner and pay a visit. It really felt like going home. There were missionaries there! Lots and lots of missionaries! They were watching conference that they, the session I had fell asleep to in the plane. Nobody really was there that day besides the missionaries. We chatted for a little bit (me crushed to find out that there was no Taco Bell in Hong Kong), and I was about to leave when they pointed out a young girl a pair of missionaries were giving a tour of the building to, saying that she spoke Mandarin and if I wanted to help (since they were cantonese speaking missionaries - and their Cantonese was much better than mine, though I surprisingly understood everything they said). It was a weird 3 way conversation. Miao Miao was from Szechuan, working in Hong Kong. The missonaries from the US, spoke Cantonese to her. She spoke Mandarin back. I translated for them into English. It was weird.

She wanted to know about English classes. They then invited her to stay 20 minutes for a little “presentation”. She stayed. We went to the ground floor to watch “Man’s search for happiness” the asian edition - in Mandarin. Before we started, the Missionaries opened with a word of prayer. They actually invited me to pray (and I only half understood their Canotnese invitation), but I wasn’t confident enough to pray in Chinese so I suggested they do it so she could understand. I spent the length of the video trying to work out a Chinese prayer in my head, resolving to improve my Chinese so that I could do that.

They talked about the video briefly afterwards, and the one elder who had done most of the speaking thus far bore his testimony about how understanding God’s plan for us and our relationship with God brings peace and happiness into our lives. He also talked about how developing this relationship would bring blessings to our lives and to our families. Check me out: I understood all this in Cantonese!!!

They invited her to close with a prayer. Poor girl. She didn’t know how to say no. She hesitated, and froze. The other elder who had been more quiet, spoke up then, in Cantonese no less impressive, going through the steps of prayer slowly. That was when I came in handy. I spoke up too, translating the steps into Mandarin, and telling her that it was just like talking to our father. She started. “Our dear Heavenly Father,” I prompted. And she took it from there. It was the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard. She thanked Heavenly Father for bringing her there. She told Him that she really liked this place, that what she had heard and seen had brought her peace in a time when she was facing trouble and trial and she thanked him for it. She needed my help to end, and I prompted her with “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen” (which she didn’t really understand, but said anyway). They got her contact information for the Mandarin speaking elders, shook hands, and saw her out the door.

THAT was the highight of my day.

The spirit I felt in that place was so undeniably strong. It was quite amazing to be reminded of the power of Missionary work. I was thoroughly impressed with those missionaries who were doing everything they knew how to serve the Lord. Their humility humbled me. I only know the men who have already served missions now and I know that we treat those who seem to be stuck in missionary mode a little different, deeming them strange or maladaptive, but it’s good to be reminded of what the spirit of the Lord does to a good man. I am ever grateful for having been privy to Miao Miao’s first introduction to the gospel. I don’t know what change it will bring for her, but I know what it means to me.

7) More exploring.
It was hard to leave the familiarity of church and missionaries for the busy, unfamiliar streets of Hong Kong, but it was time to get on my way. I found myself a good place to get a bowl of Wonton noodles to warm me up from all that airconditioning. It was just like home. Mmm. I wandered back up north to the pier and took the Star ferry to Kowloon as recommended and well, here I am in an internet cafe, after wandering up and down Nathan street. What a city.

There’s more adventures. Going to stop by the temple, going to swing dance. I’m wondering if I’ll have time to go to the beach tomorrow. Either way, the adventure isn’t over yet but it’s been a wonderful one so far! Can’t wait to see what’s next!

Wow. I’m going to Hong Kong on my own. It’s finally settling in.

The last week was filled with crazy chaos as I was trying to go through all my options of where to make a visa run to and *when*.

Should I got to Singapore where the flight costs more but I can have free room and board and have a nice excuse to see my family? Or should I go to Hong Kong where the visa application process is a much more tried and true one, but have to figure out a completely new an unfamiliar place? Could I find a place to stay there that would cut the accommodation costs down and make it more worth it to go to than Singapore? Am I sure that I won’t be stuck in Hong Kong and have to spend money I don’t really have to stay there until all visa issues get settled?

And then there’s Christopher. My visa expires on the 15th, the day he is planning to be back on. Should I hurry and take care of the visa thing BEFORE he returns, or could I wait for him and leave with him? If I’m going to see my family, then it would be a great time for us to go together so he could meet them. But he flies standby… should I risk it and buy his ticket anyway? Could we decide to leave just after he got back and buy our tickets then. Is it ok to leave the day after my visa expires?

Should I take the train down to Shenzhen and cross the border to Hong Kong that way to save money? Could I really do 29 hours on the train on my own? When would I have to leave to make it there and back in good time? What would I do with my cats in the meantime?

Too many questions.

In the end, I decided that it would make the most sense to just have to bite the bullet and do it on my own (besides, did could we *really* afford to do Singapore or Hong Kong together?).

After that decision was made, I felt a little more settled and was able to start planning and looking forward to the trip. I was more than a little overwhelmed at the thought of having to deal with all these things that had cropped up while Christopher was gone. But when I remembered that this wouldn’t be my first time exploring a new city on my own (having previously done Narita, Japan, and also Stockholm, Sweden) and that I had really enjoyed it, I started to look at this trip to Hong Kong alone as something I *got* to do instead of something I *had* to do.

I have to say, I have been on the receiving end of many tender mercies in executing the planning. Mom was the first to latch on to the idea of me going to Hong Kong. She called me as soon as she read my visa laments online, had researched *EVERYTHING* about getting my visa there, had all these (and still has) recommendations for fun things to do there (which helped me change my perspective on the trip), emailed me information on ferry times, office hours for the visa etc, helped me come up with ideas and options of what to do, emailed people to try to find me cheap housing. Tried to walk me through every single place that I could visit in the short time that I have. Honestly, mothers could baby us for the rest of our lives if we let them. Mom, you’re my hero.

Everyone has been extremely helpful with offering suggestions on where to stay, reminding me of people I know are there or are going to be there while I’m there. While waiting for confirmation on various housing options, I’d researched the cheapest hostel options in Kowloon and started feeling pretty confident about finding a place that I could afford there when Nicola, i.e. an angel, finalized the details in letting me stay in their downtown corporate apartment while her and her husband are away traveling (as usual).

Basically, I’m hooked up. It feels very similar to my very first set up in Beijing.

I am filled with wonder and amazement at how things have fallen into place and am completely grateful to Heavenly Father for putting people in my path who could offer me the help I need. I feel more than a little undeserving and hope that I will ever be vigilant in paying it forward. Karma has been kind to me thus far.

I’m brushing up a little on my Cantonese - trying to figure out how to read traditional characters and pronounce them in Cantonese. I’m not sure whether I’ll speak my broken Cantonese or use Mandarin or English instead - it’s a little different for me than most foreigners because I am southern Chinese so I’ll look just like one of them without the ability to communicate like they expect me to. It should be just fine, though. Maybe a few hiccups, but nothing like Mongolia. That’s for sure. And even if so, I’m really good at Pictionary and Charades.

I have a rough itinerary for my brief stay there in mind. I’m surprising myself in how detailed my planning has been for this trip. Turns out I will be meeting Adam my swing teacher and dungeon master in town where he’ll be teaching an introductory Balboa class on Monday. *Beautiful* timing. I’ll be taking a slight trip north to Kowloon Tong to just see the LDS Temple and stopping by the chapel just across the street from the visa place to see if I can meet any members there since they have sacrament meeting there every day for the Filipina sisters. Having both a connection to church and swing makes Hong Kong feel a lot less of an unfamiliar place.

For other activities, everyone has suggestions to offer - basically I’m the one of the very few people in China that I know who hasn’t yet been. I’ll decide what to do based on how long I’ll need to spend in line at the visa office. So far it promises to be an exciting city that’s very easy to navigate and I am sure I will love it. Hong Kong is a place I’ve always imagined I’d love to live in: its culture being extremely close to home, with a mixture of Chinese and British influence, and very international. We’ll see how I take to it and vice versa. :)

Where once there was confusion and apprehension, now I am filled with reassurance and anticipation for my little Hong Kong Adventure. It’s going to be a blast!

Watch out Hong Kong, here I come!

There certainly is nothing like visa issues to remind you that you are not home here.

Home is not in the USA, even though almost all my friends are there (even my Malaysian ones). I can’t even visit without a visa. Christopher can decide to make a sudden trip back, but I need to plan just a visit at least 2 months in advance. That’s not the worst of it, though. Just the thought of all the time and hassle required for me to marry a US citizen is enough to make me want to reconsider my circumstances.

Home is certainly not China. Especially not when the Olympics are coming up. And apparently, especially not for Malaysians.

My family lives in Singapore now. Visiting can be done visa free, I think, but I’d have to leave the country and re-enter every so often. Singapore is not my home. Not to the Singaporeans, it’s not.

Funny how the only place I don’t need a visa for anything is the one place I have no interest in actually living in anymore.

Ah, the cursed state of the wanderer. Always a visitor, always a guest. Never truly at home.

I wish I could have something more to show for for all the time I’ve had on my hands in Christopher’s absence, but the truth of it is I’ve spent most of it on the computer, talking to friends I’ve not had the time to talk to in forever, but mostly cyberstalking (yes, spell check, that WILL be a word!) people I know and love and going on a crazed hunt to find all my elementary school friends who I was previously in touch with only via Friendster (which I hate going back to). I guess Facebook has finally infiltrated the Malaysian market. Good for them!

Keeping in touch with friends from past lifetimes is always an interesting experience. It’s always good to see where people end up, (as if anyone of us is ever going to reach that “end up” point).

With college friends, I’m always curious to know who they end up with - and so many of them have gotten/are getting married. It’s fun to see the pictures of those couples, to see what their happy times together are like, and to find out that they’re not divorced. And then they start having kids and cyberstalking them is less meaningful because the pictures of them disappear and the pictures of their kids (who you are sure are wonderful but you’ve never met so don’t really have an attachment to) start dominating their pages. At that point, you just check every once in a while to see if they’re pregnant again and wonder how many kids they will have together total. :) It’s good to watch them move on to the next stage and observe (from what Facebook will let you know) the kind of family they’ve built and wonder about the kinds of pictures I will post in the future.

With friends from elementary school, it’s interesting to see them using English to begin with (when we knew each other it was in Chinese school and I was one of the few that used English ever) and with all past classmates, it’s just to watch which education and career path each decided to take. Most of my friends from school belong in the middle to upper-middle class bracket in Malaysia and are almost all Malaysian Chinese. Most did really well in school (all my elementary school friends I knew from being in what was essentially the equivalent of the gifted and talented program) so that means that most of my friends have been able to go abroad for University (and they call it university while I call it college). Many are still in England or in Australia finishing up school. A good handful actually ended up doing medicine like they had talked about, few less, law (yes, I knew a very creative bunch of people). Many opted for accounting, some in engineering, some in finance etc.

What’s most interesting to me, isn’t finding out what they chose in and of itself, but mostly, it’s making comparisons and evaluating where I am in comparison to where they are with the choices they got to make.

If you take away my Asian heritage and its influence on my lifestyle, you might find that my life is somewhat comparable to many of the LDS North American people I know, but I think it’s safe to say that compared to most, if not all of my friends from school in Malaysia, my path was the most radically different from theirs. I’d always felt a cultural difference that separated me from them. One with me speaking English as a first language while they didn’t, and another with the influence the gospel has had in my life. I see clearly now that this (especially the latter) difference is fundamental and I foresee that it will become harder to compare myself with them as time goes on.

From the very beginning, while most stayed under the British education system, taking 2 extra years of college (pre-university) before moving on to getting a 4-year degree, I spent my first 8 months after high school working for my dad at his company, doing everything from telemarketing and database entry to customer support and marketing. And then it was off to BYU-Hawaii. The AMERICAN education system to study psychology with a minor in music (I guess at least I wasn’t a performing arts major - that is even more RADICALLY different from Malaysian friends because most weren’t given the option to do that from their parents). I can only think of a few others who eventually ended up there.

With the flexibility of the American education system, I left school in between when funds were low, went home and worked for Dad a little more (with more responsibility this time) and taught piano on the side. Then it was back to BYUH, working while studying (I did maintenance work for BYUH housing first and then later got a sweet job as a tour guide at the Polynesian Cultural Center).

And then, the biggest difference of all, while I started 1.5 to 2 years ahead of them education wise, I left school 2 years before I would have finished and moved to China.

So here I am in China, with what I consider an American college education, but no degree to show for, though with a large variety of work experience under my belt. Almost nobody works while they’re going to school in Malaysia so I’ve definitely got much more work experience than most. I’m one of the few (if not the only one) who is completely financially independent (if you don’t count my mom paying for the long distance phone calls because it’s cheaper) and has been for the past 2.5 years.

I love knowing that I rent my own apartment - that I can deal with real estate agents and Landlord’s on my own - and am in a position to support a small family (living frugally, of course). I am able to travel, on my own dime, to places that my friends might have gone to see only with their parents. Though I am in no sense a “self-made” person, I love the life that I’ve made for myself here in China. I am extremely happy here in my real-adult life and that is something to be proud of.

The fact that I’m working in China is something of a “Wow” factor for most Malaysians. It’s the thing to do now. If you’re working for a large company, odds are they have a branch in China and you’re pretty cool if you get sent there.

I’m not working for a large multinational company, though. I’m a teacher both by profession and by temperament. It’s not the most glamorous or prestigious job in the world, and ultimately one not as well-paid, but it’s the only job I can see myself enjoying in the long run (a job where my focus is on helping individuals progress).

I recall meeting up with my friends from elementary school for the first time in 10 years the last time I went home (Dec 2006). People hadn’t changed much: they were all still recognizable, they looked and sounded the same and had the same personalities I remembered them having as children. I was the least recognizable to them - and was actually voted the most different (I like to think that the ugly duckling finally became a swan) - because now they actually could see my eyes instead of the HUGE pair of glasses I had on my face but also because I was so shy in Chinese school that few people ever got to know me very well.

I remember going back to our school to visit the teacher that had taught us our last 2 years in school. She hadn’t changed much, only aged a little, and we - at least I - saw her differently because she wasn’t our teacher anymore and we were older now. I.e. I saw her as a person instead of that scary lady who was going to yell at me or strike me with her cane for not doing my homework (yeah, school in Malaysia back then, I tell you what).

She enjoyed hearing all about the things we were doing with our lives and I think she was very proud of where we all had ended up. She didn’t remember me at all (I think if she’d seen a picture of me when I was in her class all the memories of how she never liked me very much would all come flooding back) but she actually even complimented me on my Chinese which I found HILARIOUS because my Chinese is just as crappy as ever though my pronunciation is 100 times better than most Malaysians at this point because of my time in China (and my love for picking up new accents). Anyway, my point was this: she was so proud of where all her students had come and I realized that it was important to her to hear all of our accomplishments and quietly take them as her own because well, there she was, still a teacher at the same school since I’d been there 10 years ago. That’s about 20 years of teaching in the same place.

I felt a kind of an affinity to her then. Teaching certainly offers little to no glamor in the high-paced, materialistic world that we live in.

As much as I’d always loved my job from the very beginning, I struggled a lot with taking on the image of a preschool teacher. I really hated telling other foreigners that I’d met in China (the Chinese students, the English teachers, and the ones with cool jobs and real careers) that I taught preschool and would drop “Montessori” and “International school” to try to sell it (mostly to myself) as something much more prestigious than teaching English to a local kindergarten. I’d come from teaching English to managers of large multinational companies so there was sort of a drop in prestige (I guess now I teach their children) and I felt that becoming a preschool teacher isolated me from the rest of the world of adults and that it said to the world that I was an underachiever.

Something changed in the course of time, however. I got to know the other people I worked with and developed a huge respect for them, causing me to have to reevaluate my view of people like them, like US, to be “underachievers”. I saw how dedicated to furthering their education and improving themselves as teachers they are. Always learning something new, taking some new course, attending some training, reading books on Montessori education. I learned first-hand how difficult and demanding a job teaching young children is on ALL fronts, but also experienced how meaningful and rewarding the work is. I also saw that while classroom management is still always something I have to try hard at, teaching actually comes naturally and instinctively to me. For me, I guess, teaching preschool became more of a conscious choice than a default, it-pays-ok-and-the-work-is-not-bad-so-I-will-do-it option.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I’ve found a job wonderfully suited for me, my talents, interests and abilities, while continuing to challenge me and encourage me to develop myself as a person. I love feeling competent - I really enjoy knowing that I *do* have a good idea of what is best for my children on an individual basis, that I actually have the ability to direct their progress in a positive direction. Something that I’m developing at this job, also, that I never thought I would, is management skills. Of course, there’s personal and time management that is a constant battle for me to master, classroom management which is a LOT of work, but also actual *personnel* management. That is not something that I thought would be part of the job. But I have 4 teachers who work very closely with me in the classroom that *I* am in charge of.

That was one of the things that I struggled with my first year on the job: being in a position to LEAD my teaching assistants. There is still SO much room for improvement but it is a recent discovery for me that without thinking about it in so many terms, I am learning to be a better leader and manager and have tried hard to train, lead, direct, supervise and reward the people I work shoulder-to-shoulder with (who have EVERYTHING to do with my satisfaction with the classroom and my day at work).

As if being in charge of the academic, physical and socio-emotional well-being of 20 children isn’t responsibility enough, this is truly a part of the job that we don’t focus very much on as teachers. That along with maintaining good relationships with the parents so that they’re happy with the school (from a business standpoint) and so you can work together with them for the benefit of the children.

I remember mentioning to Christopher not too long ago how much I love having the position of “teacher” because it means that (when I rise to the calling) parents see me as their equal - even though I am not yet married or have kids. In fact, more than an equal, many parents actually put me in a position of authority, as if I know more about what is best for their kids than they do. Sadly, this is sometimes true, but the fact of the matter is teaching their children is completely different from having children of my own.

Wow. I talked a lot about my job. I really do love it *that* much.

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that I love observing how much more of an adult I’ve become over the past few years. I’m not really ahead of the game compared to anyone else. I’m 23, turning 24 this June. All my peers are just as much adults as I am, they’re just doing different things.

I still wonder what they think of me and where I’ve come from cyberstalking ME on Facebook, but there really is little point in comparing. The things that are important to me may not be the things that are important to them. What matters to me is that I love and am competent at what I am doing (and for now and that is teaching young children), that I am independent and self-sufficient, but most of all that I have love in my life: a wonderful person - family - to share and plan my life with (if any of you even noticed the change in my Facebook status, that was my sad, sorry, cliched attempt at celebrating April Fool’s), and that I am continuing to develop spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.

Ultimately I need to stop worrying about friends rolling their eyes at how much a center of my life Christopher is. That is who I am - that’s the only way I know how to be - and I have found a way to make that work for me. Sure I’ve made plenty of not-so-wise, “harder path” choices. There were unhealthy relationships, heartache, times of financial struggle, and there are consequences still to be suffered from me deciding to leave school early.

But when all is said I love my life, where I am going, I love who I am, who I am trying to become, and I love who I am with and am loved immensely in return - that is all that matters.

One day, I suppose I’ll look back again and see how my friends all have careers that pay a good salary while I’ll (hopefully) be happy doing the hardest, most important job in the world: staying at home with my 3 or more kids with little to show for in the “outside world”. When that day comes, I hope that I’ll feel as satisfied with the path I chose as I am today.

I suppose now would be a good time to use the overly quoted passage we all learned in high school by Robert Frost in “The Road Not Taken” (1915):

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

then mine just left on a plane this morning for San Francisco: on the way to be best man at his best friend’s wedding in Missouri. He’ll be gone for… 2 weeks or so. When you’re flying standby, it’s really hard to say exactly how long. Plans were made on Tuesday and we said our goodbyes this morning (Thursday).

So I guess it’s back to blogging for me - fortunately or unfortunately for you all.

It was a very last minute thing. I don’t know how long plans were in the works but I didn’t hear about it till after the logistics were (mostly) worked out and finalized. I knew he’d wanted to go to the wedding - I do too. I just didn’t know the details and didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Thinking I’d be able to afford a plane ticket, I’d told them last year while Christopher was still in Springfield with them that they should plan the wedding later this month so that I would be able to attend. Turns out, frequent flier miles are funding Christopher’s trip and I can’t get a US Visa that quickly anyway (even if I had money and could magically take time off work).

I have mixed feelings about the situation. I’m really happy that the wedding is actually happening and that Christopher is able to make it, that he gets to have a trip back home-ish, that at least one of us is able to attend. I am happy to make the little sacrifice of giving Christopher up for a little bit so they can have him for their wedding - that’s my wedding gift to them, I guess. I think they understand and appreciate what that means to us. (Hah, I just got my first “Is Christopher there?” phonecall. *Braces self for many more to come*) I’m unhappy that because of the way the standby tickets work that he had to leave so much earlier and the whole ordeal might last up to 3 weeks (that’s a lot longer than a week an a half like he likes saying to make it seem shorter though the wedding isn’t for another 2 weeks and 3 days), I’m really bummed that I’m going to miss out on the wedding and seeing Christopher in a tux. But mostly, I miss him, and am a little nervous about what I choose to do with myself over the next little bit.

Oh, I know three weeks isn’t all that long. To me, it’s not the weekdays that are daunting since work keeps me busy. It’s the weekends I’m worried about. I always look forward to them because that means more time with him. And the thought of having to do more than one of them without him to look forward to is really scary - not to mention 3. I’ve cried a little, but not much because I feel stupid when I do. I figured that while I miss him like a stupid head-over-heels middle schooler, I’m not really crying out of misery from being apart, but mostly it’s out of a torrent of emotions that I feel toward him. It’s nice to realize that you’re that crazy about someone and that it’s the same for him.

This isn’t a sad kind of separation - it’s not like the time Matt1 left Hawaii after a short visit, or when Jared went home for the summer after breaking up with me, or Mark transferring schools, nor Matt2 leaving for NY and completely and unexpectedly disconnecting from me for good, or John leaving China and thereby ending our relationship. No, this separation is something I’ve never really experienced before (this kind of safety in loving is not something I’ve really experienced before) so I still have to figure out how to feel about it. It’s not like we’ll have to emotionally disconnect from each other while we’re apart. We’ll try to talk everyday still, just like we did when we were long distance all those months ago. While we both really wish that I could be there too (even though I’ve never met CJ and Julie in person, they are just as much his friends/family as they are mine and it really does seem to me that I should be there as well), I feel like he is bringing me with him in his own way. It’s kind of ridiculous but knowing that he’ll miss me just as terribly as I’ll miss him is all the comfort I need. By simply wishing I could be there with him, he’s taking me with him in his heart and we’ll be together metaphysically and with all the communicating we’re planning on keeping up, we’ll still be able to share our days with each other.

I’ve tried to be brave about the whole situation because, like I said, it’s a wedding gift I am giving willingly, but also because I realize that when I feel like caving in to the desire to be sad, I’d made it harder for Christopher to go. Still, today was hard. After saying our goodbyes this morning, I just felt incredibly drained all day at work. Not because I was actually physically tired so much as it was that I didn’t feel like there was any relief to be found in the evening. I found myself wanting to go home but there didn’t seem to be a reason to and just the thought made me tired.

Home. I can’t even figure out where it is right now. In my apartment are my cats, 4 kittens that are being weaned and potty trained, a house guest and a bed that has poopy sheets (thanks to Lady Macbeth who decided one day that my bed was the best place for her kittens). In Christopher’s house is the computer, internet, my money, most of my clothes (since he has a washer/dryer here and I don’t have any cat-safe place to hang my clothes up at my apartment and over here so much that it just made sense to leave the clothes I want to wear here), the kitchen has food and utensils to cook with - basically all the comforts of home are here at Christopher’s, except for him. I feel a little like a ghost floating around in this apartment without him. In Christopher’s absence, I always want to be with my cats and I know they really need me now, but I’m feeling really torn between two places. The only way to keep in contact with him and not feel suffocating with loneliness by using the computer. Ideally, I could have my cats here too. And then it’s too cold to want to go out and with dirty sheets waiting for me at my apartment, it’s just easier to stay here.

Moral of the story is, I’m neglecting my cats and other obligations back home (”back home” meaning 2 apartment blocks away) and I’m hiding out here in my sanctuary that feels incredibly empty at the moment. I’m just having a hard time feeling grounded without him around.

That’s one of the reasons why this short separation is important. I would never seek it out, but this is me time in large quantities and it’s good for me to learn to work on just me. It intensifies our relationship, making us appreciate the simple little things more, giving both of us plenty of time to reflect on what we mean to each other etc.

So my goal is to continue to rediscover myself, to re-learn to take care of myself in his absence. Remembering to eat meals and keep a healthy sleep pattern is a good start. Blogging is also good. I’m also working on rebuilding a music collection starting with everything by Imgoen Heap. There will be annoying errands I’ll need to run (I’d been so spoiled by having him around to do those runs to the bank while I’m at work) but it’ll be good for me to take ownership of things. Maybe I’ll use the time to make some girlfriends like I’m always meaning to do but can’t because that requires voluntarily separating myself from Christopher - even if just for a few hours. Or maybe I’ll go back to contributing to the YSA social scene again.

There are some things I *can’t* do while he’s away, some “us” things I have to save for when he gets back. Like watching the next few episodes of Big Love we download. Or wear the awesome new pair of heels we got for me. I would be quite the liar if I don’t admit to absolutely loving his possessiveness of me.

There’s a lot to do and things to plan to look forward to during the weeks to come. For now though, don’t mind me if I’m just looking forward to the next time I get to hear from him.

An incomplete draft from sometime in the fall of 2007, around the month of November.

During a rather serious conversation I had with Christopher today about my relationship with myself, I realized something that I had never completely understood about myself before.

I’d started thinking about it during this somewhat off-tangent discussion we had yesterday at Institute about forgiving our parents for their mistakes. It really was difficult for me to wrap my head around. The thought that I had foremost in my mind which I eventually was able to voice was “I can’t figure out just what I’m supposed to forgive my parents for!”

My parents are far from perfect and they have made plenty of mistakes, some that have affected me more directly than others, but I don’t feel like there’s anything I need to forgive them for. It’s probably because I already have.

Call it a strength, if you will. Forgiveness and unconditional love and acceptance is something that has always come very naturally to me. I really am incapable of hate and sustained anger. It could be that I just haven’t been seriously hurt or betrayed by someone close to me though I’m pretty sure that if I wanted to, I could find many things to be angry and unforgiving about.

I don’t know how I compare to other people in general, but it has occurred to me that there are many out there who are accustomed to blaming their circumstances, their environment and the people around them - or even God - for their pain and unhappiness. While I have certainly been guilty of that on occasion, what I realized was significant was that for the most part, I don’t. And it’s not that I point fingers any less when things go wrong, it’s just that I always blame myself first.

I am so focussed on taking ownership of my thoughts and feelings that I carry around the burden of the blame for anything that isn’t the way I think it should be. When I am upset about something, instead of being upset at the circumstance or the person involved, I get upset at myself for having gotten upset. When relationships end, I always feel responsible for the way things went. I always assume that I am at fault and am the one to blame.

And while it is so easy for me to love, accept and forgive everyone around me freely, I am only now understanding how much of a struggle it is for me to be able to do the same with myself. It is ok for everyone to be human and flawed, but not me - me, I must be perfect. When I fall short, which I always do, I am really hard on myself. I don’t know what it is I’m trying to overcompensate for.

It seems that the depth and extent in which love and forgiveness of others is a strength of mine is the same as is my weakness in allowing myself to simply be and making room for myself to make mistakes.

I know this update is more than just a little late but hey, it’s not Chinese New Year yet, and as my dad always says, “Better late than never!” so I suppose this is just as good a time as any.

There are so many ways to measure a year and so many new beginnings that it has become very hard for me to keep track of events within a fixed frame of reference. When I was looking back on 2007, I was very surprised that all the events had happened within the last year. To me, it was as if the year started with the school year in September and everything before (and there was MUCH that happened before) was lifetimes away.

2007 has certainly been one of the most eventful years of my life - and all in great ways. The year was very good to me and it was packed and filled to the brim with good times, great memories, new experiences and adventures, newfound friendships to last me a lifetime - and last but not least, love.

Work, Study and Growth
This past year saw me settle into more confidence and competency at my job as a Montessori pre-school teacher to 2-3 year olds at an international school here in Beijing. I started and completed a distance Montessori training program for 0-3s , received my teaching diploma and subsequently received a substantial raise for the new school year. The job continues to be a large source of fulfillment and enjoyment in my life and I am truly grateful to be blessed with what I consider the best job in the world for me right now on all fronts.

I spend my days doing what I enjoy most: loving and caring for children dear to my heart, thinking of ways to best serve their needs - socio-emotional, physical and intellectual - singing and dancing, reading stories, laughing, smiling, teaching and inspiring. The amount of organization, self-discipline and meticulousness required for me to be the best teacher I can be still does not come easily to me, but trying to practice the Montessori method has been a good experience of learning, growth and self-improvement for me. I love the people I work with and savor the trust and freedom I have been granted at my job which allows me to work for my own fulfillment. Time passes quickly at this job and the breaks are many - and quite long - leaving me plenty of time and resources for travel.

Recreation: Dancing, Travel and Friendships
Looking over pictures of 2007, I was surprised at just how much travel I was able to do over the last year. In May, I had the opportunity to go to Ulanbatar, the capital of Mongolia, with some friends. Getting there was an adventure I will always look back on with pride. Later that month, I finally paid a visit to the Terracotta Warriors in Xi’an after 2 years of being in China and, to cap it all, the Lindy Hop scene in Beijing surprised me with a scholarship that enabled me to attend a huge swing camp in Herrang, Sweden for 3 weeks in July.

Herrang was certainly one of the major highlights of this year for me. It was my first time in Europe, my dancing improved somehow (or so I was told), I got to be a part of a radio feature about the camp, but mostly, I made a few special friends who I will keep close throughout this lifetime. These few special friends opened to me a whole new fountain of knowledge on personality typing, an interest I rediscovered earlier last year that has brought me the fulfillment of an intellectual pursuit in the field of psychology which I love so dear. This vocabulary for describing and understanding myself and others is something I have used every day since. It has brought me a clearer understanding of myself, who I am, my strengths and my weaknesses.

Swing dancing continues to be an important part of my life. I got to swing dance on the Great Wall this year, in Sweden with people from all over the world, and competed in China’s first swing competition with my awesome dance partner, Vinny. It was my first time having to work with a partner for a competition and though we came in at a close 4th, we had a ton of fun and all that hard work showed in our dancing.

Love and Romance
Sometime in May, a life-changing thing occurred: I finally caved into peer pressure and joined Facebook rather reluctantly. I didn’t regret it, though. This networking site allowed me to be reconnected with many long lost friends, particularly those from past college days, one of which was more significant than others. Now that the timing was right, Christopher Wyatt and I recommenced our email correspondence that had begun 2 years prior while we were both at BYU-Hawaii and he wrote an article for the school paper about the blogging scene that I was a large part of there. Not having a chance to really get to know each other then (I was in a relationship at the time and had moved to China shortly after anyway) we spent 4 months getting to know each other long distance via email, chat and video conferences before Christopher moved here to study Chinese (an strategic move for his future career) and to further our relationship. It’s been an incredible 4 months together. I was completely smitten before and am still utterly in love now.

Since he’s been here in September, we’ve both moved into nice Chinese apartments in the same neighborhood which is 2 kilometers away from church, work, school and swing dancing (everywhere we need to be) and our lives are very much intertwined. He’s joined me in swing dancing and playing Dungeons and Dragons (also something new for Faye in 2007) and I try to help him with his Chinese. He is currently serving as the Young Single Adult Representative in the branch and we’ve had many opportunities to have them over at “our place” i.e. his apartment including Christmas when we cooked for about 15 people. After spending Christmas in Beijing with the single adults, we had the wonderful opportunity to travel together to Southern China to a beautiful place called Yangshuo and spend the new year there. It was my first time going that far south in all my time here in China and even in the browner, colder month of December, it was paradise to me.

This relationship has been the most significant positive change for me this year, and certainly the most bounteous of my blessings. Where there was much personal and spiritual growth on my part this past year, this relationship only continues to reinforce this journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. We’re working on following the first part of the advice we’ve been given about having a “long courtship and short engagement” and so far, it’s going great! You may have noticed the shift in pronoun usage since Christopher has come into the picture. How “we” are doing has become much more important now over how “I” am doing.

Home and Family
Minor troubles prevented us from going back to Singapore where my family is now for Christmas this year, but I got a wonderful visit from Mom in October. It was the first visit I’ve had from family in my 2+ years of being here. She got to meet Christopher (it was just after he had moved here) and visit historical places in China that she had always wanted to see like the Great Wall and the Forbidden city. She was also there when I went bungee jumping for the first time. That was exciting! My family has been blessed this year with having my sister Su on a full-time mission in Oakland, California. There she has been serving with and teaching the Chinese people I am unable to share the gospel with here.

The Year Ahead
All in all 2007 has been an incredibly memorable year, one that I will always look back on with fondness. To those of you whom I got to know and love over this past year - thank you for making this year such a wonderful one.

2008 promises to bring some changes ahead as I feel my time in China is almost up and am gearing up to leave China - though exactly where and when is still undecided. Whatever it is, I know it will be good. Chinese New Year brings the year of the Rat, “my year”, and I have a feeling it will be a great one!

Pictures of our trip to Yangshuo over Christmas break now up on Facebook!

Hello blog world, I still exist - and I haven’t forgotten you.

I’ve gotten out of the habit of updating anyone on how I’ve been doing. The time goes so quickly and although we are extremely busy and much has happened, we just keep ploughing ahead with a steady rhythm that I take it for granted that anything has actually happened because I still feel like life is very much the same as I remember it being a week, two weeks, or two months ago.

And then, on top of having to re-train myself to spend time reading and writing on the computer - something I’m doing rather reluctantly (it was so nice to find myself with so much more time for other things when using the internet wasn’t an option) - I am also having to figure out what my blog means to me now i.e. who my audience is and what I want to write to them.

When I haven’t been as conscious of trying to please a readership, I’ve always used this blog as a place to express my deepest thoughts and emotions and often using this as a tool to work out angst and frustration, confusion and sadness - that’s when I feel the most urge to write: when I am experiencing emotions too negative to contain.

Let me start off by telling you that I’m writing this from my computer at work - after work hours so don’t worry (for any bosses who are reading my blog). And then let me apologize for being completely disconnected from the outside world. No emails, no blog posts, I haven’t kept up with anyone on Facebook… haven’t posted any pictures. Here’s why:

So my dear NT boys (my INTJ boyfriend and our ENTP best friend) are out for dinner/dessert and I thought I’d use this time to write something on here because it just doesn’t feel right to leave the previous post as the last one when whatever the issue was got resolved, or at least talked about and communicated soon after the post had been written.

It did feel as big as I made it sound on here when I wrote it while it was happening but it didn’t take a lot to make them go away and there is nothing lingering of that now. Such are my emotions: intense but fleeting. Similar insecurities will crop up again since all those petty issues I get worked up about ultimately have common roots that I’ll need to work on for a long time before they fade and disappear but in the meantime, that’s what this courtship process is for: figuring out an algorithm for ending them that works for us. Every bump in the road that gets resolved, however big or however petty only binds us closer to one another. My challenge is to make sure that I’m not conjuring these “problems” to create these moments of emotional intimacy for myself.

Earlier today, I felt like I needed to go home to write about how much I love my job - so that I can read it in the days/weeks that I don’t. I don’t have too much to say about it other than despite often feeling like this isn’t what I am most cut out to do, nor my life calling, and that trying to be a good Montessori teacher is a struggle against myself, I recognize what a perfect setup this job has been and continues to be for me right now and I really am very blessed to be able to do what I do and get to live comfortably because of it.

And now that I’ve mentioned it, I can move on to blogging about slightly more emotional issues of the negative sort. The kind that compels me to blog. Always blown out of proportion, always written through tears, but always resolved upon writing about it.

One month and 3 days since Christopher has been here and time, desire, inspiration and consciousness have not aligned sufficiently for me to write anything significant about his being here with me - and other life things that have transpired since. Tonight, the time factor isn’t really optimal either but if I miss this milestone, I know I will never be able to go back and write about anything in a way that will do it justice. A good journal/blog entry takes priority over a full night’s sleep and a good start to the week this time.

So, Christopher.

Besides spending most of my free time with him, leaving me with only enough alone time to waste on Facebook before going to bed each night, part of the reason I haven’t been writing is that I am hesitant to, for fear that whatever I say will only cheapen what it is that we have. There is nothing that I can say that will ever be able to describe exactly how wonderful it has been - and continues to be.

This is truly the best relationship that I’ve ever been in. Ever. And I know I have expressed similar emotions to this in previous relationships and I do trust my judgment a little less now because of it (NFs like me after all are prone to overstatement and always think the relationship they’re in is “the best ever”), but in every attempt to be completely honest with myself, it keeps coming back to this conclusion: I never thought it could be this good.