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Almost Faye-mous 2.6

Almost Faye-mous 2.6

My canvas for all things life

I’ve been Growing Up.

April24

Dear blog, old friend, I’m so sorry I’ve neglected for you all these years.

So much life has happened since I last wrote. I’ve moved to Los Angeles, acquired furniture, a couple of jobs, a few new hobbies, and a wonderful dog named Gadget. I’ve lost a mother to cancer and had 2 miscarriages since. I’ve battled depression yet again and also found intense peace, acceptance, joy and love.

In so many ways, I’m still exactly the same person I was. I still struggle with the same flaws, and still live a life centered around relationships and spirituality. I’m still always asking, always searching, always pushing, always finding. The difference is that I have been able to do so with an incredible base of stability and security, which I owe to Christopher’s presence in my life.

I’m still madly in love with Christopher 8 years in. Our relationship has had its cracks and flaws, but has been a pillar through the ups and downs and continued to be a primary source of joy and growth. I’ve become so much more of an individual, grounded in my own truth. I’ve learned things about myself, including learning to shed guilt and shame, as well as stretching the boundaries of my love and my curiosity. I’ve discovered new horizons, am re-exploring my relationship with spirituality, and just am having some incredible adventures in love and life.

Life hasn’t quite turned out the way I imagined it would go for myself, and yet I feel closer than ever to becoming the woman I’ve always been aching to become. From here, I feel like life has an abundance of the things that I need and want, and I’m filled with gratitude for the path I’ve been able to tread. I really do live a charmed life.

pugfamily

Family, isn’t it about time?

June25

I feel like Christopher and I grew up a whole lot over this week in the strangest of ways.

It’s been a rough couple of months emotionally, trying to recover from what I have since dubbed a “job miscarriage”, where a job opportunity for Christopher fell through. It had been something we had for months been looking forward to transitioning into after he completed his masters program (which incidentally was this month). The hope (though not the possibility) of similar jobs in the same industry has also been severely dimmed. It’s been a bigger letdown than we have let on to many. Our future has been a big question mark. It’s not so much about money. I know we will be taken care of financially – we really have been – but learning to deal with not getting what you feel you earned/feel entitled to, learning to be patient, and trying to figure out where our new place is in the world, and redefining our purpose and function has been an adjustment. We feel like we’ve been fighting to be grown up and have been unsuccessful. We got married. Now we need a career path and to grow our family. Until that happens, we feel somewhat adrift and in a limbo state of being somewhat adults, but not quite as grown up as we’d like to be.

It’s times like these that you really learn to appreciate the most meaningful things in your life that the world cannot provide. Family is at the top of my list at the moment.

My sister Su got married last weekend to a wonderful man and into a wonderful family and thanks to them, we were able to gather the WHOLE family in once place for the first time in 3 years. That was really, really special. We are still getting over the homesick.

It was a really beautiful wedding. My sister and I are almost as different as night and day and we did approach certain things differently, but the overwhelming feeling I felt that day, especially from the deeply spiritual morning tea ceremony and sealing, was that we are ultimately bound together in the long term by something so deep and so true. We have our personality differences, opposing strengths and weaknesses, which bring our own challenges and paths, but I really truly get that they lead to the same place. We’re headed to the same place together. There’s something so potent about that realization for me. I have always loved her and known that my sister is a really wonderful person – much better at doing the right thing the right way than I am – but for some reason just observing her this past week and being there during this highly important transition in her life has unfolded a whole unexplored layer of respect within me for her. Isn’t it really great to have a younger sister to look up to?

Tonight, she and her husband took a good few hours out of their honeymoon trip to spend dinner with Christopher and me in our home here in San Bernardino. There’s something so nice about family visiting the place you call home! And unlike the busy, cluttered time we had pre and post wedding with all the family around, this time we had enough time and quiet to talk, really talk about lots of things, not excluding our family and its issues and our own marriages/relationships. Tonight, I’m really, really grateful for having a sister.

More than this one sibling relationship though, Christopher and I have found ourselves saying things and hoping for things that while may be so natural to most are so uncharacteristic of us. We’re supposed to be the vagabond adventurers that run to far away places seeking new and unique experiences. We’re never content being in one place for too long. We’ve embraced the fact that we will always live far away from family. But why does settling down and having a place to grow roots and call home no longer sound so scary? It actually sounds appealing. Why do we find ourselves wanting to be closer to family all of a sudden? Is it true that we actually positively thought about calling Utah home?! We want to own a house somewhere- seriously?

I feel like we’ve leveled up in our perception of our relationship with family. This week, I got to deepen my appreciation for the role that family plays in our life, not just the immediate families we grew up in, but also the relationship with cousins, uncles and aunts, in-laws and grandparents. From the family time that we got in Utah with both sides of the family, I got a brief glimpse of the eternal role families and family relationships play in the eternities. Because of that, I have a new perspective and want to live more unselfishly. While Christopher and I truly love our families and deeply desire to be in a position to be able to do generous things for them, we have defined ourselves for being fiercely independent and are used to mostly doing our own thing. Something’s changed, though, at least for me.

For example, we’ve always been really eager to have children. For us. I love children. Naturally, I want my own, to learn to be a parent, to see what they are like, to move on to the next phase of life. Now, more than that, I really feel the yearning to have children to share with our family. Su’s marriage and mine have evolved and grown our family. I see how having our children will be the next step in growing, changing and deepening our relationship with each other. There’s more layers to family relationships that we will be able to explore only when we become parents ourselves, our parents become grandparents, our siblings become aunts and uncles, and our children develop relationships as cousins with each other. Family relationships are one of the few where the growth and increase of one member can also mean growth and development for another. And that’s just it. The thing that separates family from everything else is that ability and possibility of growing together as a unit.

I feel like I now really get where our family relationships are headed and how they are going to be a part of our life, and we a part of theirs over the long term. Forever, in fact. I see how we’re meant to grow together and separately. I have a clearer idea of what it takes to keep the family close as each sibling grows up and leaves home. I see that part I need to play as the catalyst and gatherer for family time.

In my observations, I’ve noticed that on each side of extended family, you might find that you have a set of cousins, aunts and uncles that you know better, are closer to, or even like more than any of the others. At first, I thought that it had to do with commonalities, like personality, religion, having children the same age etc. While that helps a lot, often times, the one family you know better happens to be the same one everyone knows better because they actively act as the gatherers, and make spending time with extended family a priority. I think that maybe, just maybe, I could be that person for my family. I know I can. I hope that I will.

There are still so many things I need to work out with my own family. I need to call home more often. I need to learn how to really communicate with my parents. I need to learn to keep up with my siblings and parents’ lives, be involved in their struggles and their triumphs. I need to actively do more for them. I need to learn to really show them how much I love them and how important they are to me. I’ve never been particularly good at being a long-term friend, especially when distance is involved.

For the first time in my life, however, I feel like I have it in me to actually be successful.

Day 28: When was this again?

May7

Wow, this outfit was from weeks ago! Sorry I’ve been petering out on the pictures. The project has been completed for such a long time now that I’m not excited to share the outfits with you. And sometimes, you give an outfit enough time and I stop liking it as much.

This however, while nothing fancy, was a fun one to imagine up and see how great it worked in real life.

Day 27: Summer Calls for Straw Hats

April17


Hat: Target, Belt: Goodwill

Judging by these pictures, you would have no idea how out of it I was that day. The weather was perfect, I had kept busy, I knew my outfit looked good – everything should have been peachy, but I just wasn’t feeling it inside. Kind of sad, no?

But wow, the pictures have a huge impact on my long-term impression about an outfit. This was so simple and straightforward, yet is probably one of my most favorites to date. <3

p.s. I love hats. They make the simplest things pop.

Day 26: Make the Waist Go Higher

April17

This was a Sunday outfit. What is there to say? I love it. I love the colors, I love how adding a belt makes extends the skirt to give it a high-waisted effect. I love doubling necklaces up as bracelets. I am having fun.

You’d think my final week with this challenge would be tired and uncreative, but quite the opposite, this is some of the most fun I’ve had all 30-ish days. I guess I’m feeling the clock ticking and want to make sure I squeeze the best stuff out of this challenge.

Just a few more days – I’ve got too many more ideas to be ready for this to be over!

Day 25: Wearing a Flower on My Heart

April17

I love this outfit! You have no idea how many re-iterations I’d created before settling on this one. This was not what I set out to wear at first. I think the only thing that remained from my original plan was the gray cowl top. The other options weren’t bad either, this was just the best. The old Fei might have put something similar together, but I would not have thought to add a belt or a flower there.

I heart remixing!

Recap 4

April17

This set I have mostly felt blah about (with a couple of exceptions), but I haven’t quit yet! Things have been busy around here and we’re just a little backlogged with photos. The hardest thing about this challenge really is dealing with the pictures, both working out the logistics to find time to take them and then to edit them and post them.

The 30 item limitation really is cake. There have been days where I’ve just been in gym clothes and pajamas, but for the most part, I’ve really been keeping to the 30 items, even on days where I have no evidence. I’ve turned this 30 day project into a 40+ day one. I guess it’s good for the budget. The no buying new clothes limitation has actually been nice. I really don’t need any and I have no desire to spend any money at the moment (feeling very poor).

Just one more set to go, stay tuned!

Day 24: The Happiest Outfit On Earth?

April10

I am missing the ultimate accessory for this outfit: MICKEY EARS!

Yes, this is what I wore to Disneyland (but we did not buy me Mickey ears even though I would have rocked them proudly). We made an impromptu trip on Tuesday, the 5th (that’s how much of a slacker I’ve been with updating) because Christopher’s extended family from Utah were in town. Well, close enough to actually being where we are anyway.

We had a mini reunion here on the West Siiide. Christopher and I are so used to being far away from family it was great to be reminded that we actually do have family in California, and that the ones in Utah are also somewhat within our reach.

I was only expecting to meet them for dinner, but the husband did some number crunching and decided that we could justify spending the money for a day at Disneyland. You should have seen my reaction/ heard the sounds that I involuntarily made in my excitement. It was better than those Disneyland ads. They should have filmed it. Darn.

We’ve been married for nearly a year, and dating+married for nearly 4, and yet, I was really comforted to know that Christopher also finds it important to spend time (and some resources) on extended family. It should be something I already know/ not a big deal, but I don’t know… it just gave me warm fuzzies to know that we share that priority.

It was my second time at Disneyland, but Christopher’s first. It was so fun watching him enjoy the rides. I thought that he might dislike the lines and the crowds, but I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable a day it was for him. We won’t be hurrying back at the next opportunity (we have other experiences we’d like to spend our money on), but it was really a ton of fun. Family should come to our neck of the woods more often!

Oh, and forget that silly picture. This was the one I really wanted to post:

Day 23: Ribbon Belt

April9

Sometimes, you can just throw a ribbon on and call it a belt.

I actually kind of liked how this combination turned out, but I do feel like I over accessorized it a little. I really have a hard time using that bracelet right. It won’t stop me from trying, though!!!

That ribbon actually came with the skirt, but I’ve hardly ever worn it together, as the skirt doesn’t ride on the perfect place on my waist for tucking and all the tops I wear would just obscure the bow. I guess this works.

Day 22: My dress is now a shirt

April4

Pearl necklace as inspired by Elaine from Clothedmuch (except that I used a pearl necklace instead of a ribbon)

Yep, my dress is tucked into my skirt, and I’m wearing black with gray. As long as you throw in some red shoes for color it’s all good!

Day 21: Scarves are accessories too?

April4

Yes, yes they are. And so are sunnies.

I’d only ever worn those out of necessity. Currently, I only own one pair of sunshades – and that one pair took me countless shopping trips to track down. Everything I try on just looks too huge on my little face. Don’t like. Eh. I’m no fashionista. One pair of shades is sufficient.

Scarves. I have a handful of scarves, but most lack the texture I like to really use them as accessories (plus, they’re too warm, I only ever wore scarves for freezing cold weather). I have a goal of using scarves as accessories more, but that requires spending money on buying scarves. So far, the pretty scarves I’ve seen everywhere cost $12.99 (this includes Target – I am sad). Um, no thank you. That’s way too much money to spend on an accessory.

Hopefully, next trip to the thrift store will yield something cheap but pretty.

Day 20: Speckie

April4

For spectacles. Yes, I grew up in a commonwealth country. Don’t judge.

So, not my favorite day. Squinty glasses eyes, no texture, weird combination of colors – what was I thinking? Bleh. I nearly decided to skip that day and not post these pictures, but I put the outfit on, I might as well count it.

Day 19: Roll ‘em up!

March31


Earrings: China, Necklace: Gift (J.C. Penny?), Bracelet: Styles for less.

Christopher had his jeans rolled up because he was cleaning the bathroom. Gave me ideas.

Hmm, I could’ve sworn I had rolled them up a *little* higher than that. Ah well. Maybe I did have a growth spurt over night…

This is a very Fei outfit, although I’d never put it together that way before. I guess mostly because everything but the top and earrings were acquired fairly recently (since December), and it had been sweater weather. Also, I’ve only ever worn that top with skirts since previous to last month, jeans to me were what you put on when you want to clean the bathroom.

See, my fashion sense and personal style is evolving!

Recap: Days 13-18

March30

Wow, when you break it up to just 6 days a time, time flies! Only 2 more recaps to go and this thing will be over? That basically means that I can wear most things only once more. I’m not sure I’m ready!

This was a week of highs and lows. Lows in the first 3, highs in the last 3. I hate, hate, hated day 15. I’m sure many of you will think it looks ok, but for me, that whole outfit just says 0% creativity, 0% inspiration, and 100% bleh. How can you rock an outfit when you’re not impressed with any part of it? I really wanted to love day 13, but something was off about it all. Plus, all the layers made me both look and feel fat, but at least it was a new idea and I put some effort into (and I think I wasn’t having the best day either, which tainted the memory of the outfit). Day 14 was ok. Nothing too special, but I felt happy enough to wear it.

The temperature had dropped for those few days, and I think that had a lot to do with why I was feeling blah about dressing up (my 30 items were not equipped for it!).

Must be, because once the weather got warm again, I was bursting with ideas. I had a blast with day 16 and 18, and I really like how day 17 turned out in hindsight.

Welp, I thought I would be running out of juice by now, but I’m still going strong. Can’t wait for the days to come!

Which days in this set were your favorites and otherwise?

Day 18: What a belt can hide

March30


Earrings & Bracelet: campus vendors, Lace cami: Cato (gift from MIL), Belt: Rainbow

Hahah! I am so pleased with myself for putting this combination together (I thought this up in bed last night, and woke up this morning crossing my fingers that it would work). If I had to put this top and the skirt together before (which I wouldn’t have because of the lack of contrast, but have done with the same top in different colors), I would have just pulled the shirt over the skirt. Very typical outfit I would throw on in the summer. This one called for more creativity.

I rather regret adding this shirt to my 30 items. I chose it because I never wore it as anything but an undershirt – which is what it was meant to be and should remain – and I thought it would be a good opportunity to use it creatively. I thought it complemented the color scheme of a lot of my items well. It does, except that I forgot I never wear it on its own because IT LOOKS HORRIBLE ON MY SKIN.

Ugh.

So, to make it bearable, I paired it with a white lace cami (which you can’t see because this photo is so washed out). This skirt has also been tricky because it’s not always a flattering length. Here’s a leeetle secret about cheap skirts from China – they have elastic waistbands, which means you can’t really tuck tops into them, BUT you can wear them above your waist under your ribcage and hide the elastic under a BELT! Muahahah. The belt also was really nice for adding contrast between the pink and the white. I would have worn a different belt, but you’ve seen all the belts I own. This one worked best.

I feel like there’s more I could do with this outfit, like there’s something missing (I’m still learning to accessorize, ok) but it’s a great start. Feels good.

Day 17: Why so blue?

March29

Because it’s RULE BREAKING MONDAY!


(Um, that’s not me, by the way, that’s Elaine. She’s an awesome Mormon fashion blogger. You should check her out.)

Blue on blue on blue? Yeah. That’s some serious rule breaking right there. ‘Cause I’m cool like that.

Well, that and I have been pulling out hairs trying to find a new way to wear these last few pieces within the rotation (why do I still insist on wearing everything an equal number of times, I don’t know). And when the cardigan just doesn’t look good over, try wearing it UNDER!

Today’s Accessories
Earrings: Yangshuo, China
Belt: Goodwill
Bracelet: Actually a necklace (I used to do this a lot because I didn’t have any bracelets) from campus vendors.

Do I like this outfit? Eh, I had fun putting it together, but the husband really didn’t like the blue thing. This isn’t my favorite way to wear this dress, but it’s much better than last time.

Plus, it makes my legs look like they go on forever. Definitely a plus!

Day 16: 3 gifts matchup

March27

What happens when you match 3 items that were gifts, which you didn’t wear often, or were stuck wearing the same way over and over?

This:

I *love* this outfit. It may not be the most flattering (this top really needs to have a deeper neck, I cut my body in so many parts I look shorter etc), but I had so much fun putting it together.

Actually, this was one of the first outfit ideas I had when I started this challenge. However, I was saving this to wear on a Sunday. With one Sunday outfit already planned, and Stake Conference (choir “uniform”) stuck in between, it was a long wait.

Hope you think it was worth it!

Day 15: Just thrown on

March27

HUMP DAY! Or the “I just don’t care” day.

This is something I would throw on without thinking in the morning when I’m heading out to babysit (expecting to get baby food on my clothes). I am wearing “I don’t care hair” and all the makeup I have on is some concealer, eyeliner and lipgloss so I don’t look like I just woke up, even though it’s the end of the day. But you can’t even tell in the pictures :)

Note to self: When doing a 30 for 30 in SoCal, pick items for 2 different seasons. I don’t know why I thought summer had begun.

Why did I choose this particular outfit when it was FREEZING outside (freezing by my standards)? Ugh. I don’t know. Probably because I was feeling lazy and wanted to stay in my gym clothes all day and this was a good way to use up items I couldn’t think of interesting ways to wear (without using other items that I’ve saved for other things, that is).

The stars and the pink is very fun and very me, and I love it. However, it is very difficult to dress UP, which is something I’ve begun to love more and more. I tried, I added a necklace. I’ll find a more creative way to wear this next time, I promise.

Day 14: Let’s try this again

March26


Belt, China. Necklace, Rainbow. Bracelet (which is actually a choker), Malaysia.

I might have skipped a day yesterday… or more like wasted one.

I didn’t cheat, though. Thursday, which should have been day 14, I had to get ready in a hurry. I put together an outfit from my 30 items and left the house with no makeup at all (*gasp* I haven’t done that in a while since I’ve been making an effort to dress better). By the time I’d come home, though there was still daylight, I was tired and decided I hated my outfit. All the layering I had done was weird and just didn’t work. The thought of putting on a little makeup just for a photo did not make me happy. Plus, who wants a failed outfit etched into history? Definitely not me.

So we scratched that day, and started anew.

This is simple, but much better. Seriously, I don’t know what I was thinking when choosing to include some of those items that are impossible to work with. Hopefully I’ll figure out an acceptable way to deal with them soon!

Recap: Days 7 – 12

March26

Sorry this was a little late. My poor photographer/editor husband needs a break.

What a fun 6 days! I’ve been enjoying the variety and hope to keep it up.

Days 8 and 10 were my favorites, even though neither were “spark of creativity” outfits, simply because I felt they were truly me. I particularly love the color scheme in Day 8 and the fact that I got to wear my favorite flower. Day 11 is probably next in line – cute fun (though I wish I could take back the blue bracelet- I keep trying it on with everything because I want to figure out how to wear it!) Day 9 was probably my freshest idea out of this set, but they are not my favorite colors. I missed my bangs in Day 7 and Day 12 was gray, drab, and made me look fat. I loved getting to wear my hat, though!

Which was your favorite and least favorite?

Day 13: Indoors

March24

Note to self: Any updo is possible with enough bobby pins and hair spray. However, don’t do it on a rainy day.

Usually, we take pictures right after I’m done dressing up. Today, without my personal photographer around when I was ready, and with a busy evening ahead, we weren’t able to coordinate pictures during daylight. Getting these pictures daily requires a lot more logistical planning than you might think.

Most days, the pictures are taken when I’m fresh and awake, and bursting with creative energy after putting something together. Today, you get tired, worn out after a long (for me) day, makeup-and-hair-been-on-for-over-7-hours-without-touchup Fei. This day leaves me grateful that I have a photographer husband with mad photoshop skills.

Day 12: If the hat fits…

March23

ROCK IT!

Today, my goals/limitations were

1) Wear my gray dress
2) Wear my ballet pumps

Many reiterations of outfits later, I settled on this:


Necklace: China, Hat: Claire’s

This is my favorite hat! Actually, it is the only hat I own. I’ve always loved hats but never used them to accessorize, because I was shy, and mostly because I had a hard time finding hats that fit and look good on me. Now that I’ve found this one, I’ve gotten more adventurous with trying them on. I will acquire more soon.

Note: I am wearing a gray cardigan underneath the dress.

I did not intentionally make today a gray day, but that is how it turned out. By the way, there are a bagazillion ways to wear this dress!!! It was so hard deciding how I was going to wear it today. And would you know it, this was a dress I had only worn on average once or twice a year because I didn’t know what to do with it. Huh.

That’s what the 30 for 30 is all about: wearing what you own, and owning what you wear.

Day 11: In the which I wear my hair as an accessory

March22

Sometimes, your hair can be your statement piece. Like this:

Tunics, jeggings and heels are BFFs.

Do you like my hair bow? Youtube taught me how to do it.

You probably didn’t notice, but I took 2 days off. Sort of. It was Stake conference weekend. On Saturday, I actually put together something from my 30 items (you should be proud of me, of all the things I wanted to wear for that special occasion, my grey dress was not on the top of my list). However, we were busy that day and didn’t have time to take a photo – and the thought of having to put that back on just for a picture doesn’t excite me. I’ll wear it again another day. In that light, this is actually technically Day 12.

Sunday, I sang in the choir. We needed to wear pastel tops. As I did not have one, I had to break my no shopping rule to go to Walmart to purchase it (but not on Sunday). I spent $8 on something cheap and cotton, and it’s a little too big for me. Oh well. I’ll probably grow into it. I did wear it with a skirt and shoes from my 30 items, but mostly because that’s what worked best. I probably should have taken a picture and posted it anyway, but well, I gave my husband photographer a break.

I’ll try not to cheat so much from now on, but I make no promises ;)

On Getting Attention & Being a Window

March20

I like getting attention. You could almost say that it is quite a fundamental need of mine because it is tied into how I perceive my own value in other people’s lives. It is also potentially one of my largest flaws.

While the name of my blog may be misleading, the truth is that I really don’t care to be the center of attention. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t need to be leading the conversation, or in the limelight, but I do thrive when I receive a little bit of recognition for who I am, my contributions, or skills, or whatever it is that I think I am doing well and would like other people to appreciate. I really get a lot of mileage out of genuine and heartfelt compliments or thanks.

Like I said, this is something I am not proud of. I would really like to not care what other people think of me. There are some areas of my life where I do this better than others. At this point, I’m not sure any person still building their sense of personal worth can really thrive without any recognition or at least a little positive reinforcement, but I know that I could be a lot less reliant on it.

Perhaps because of my innate need to be seen, heard and noticed, I often do find myself getting a lot of attention. While I am far from being the most popular person in the world, I do garner some attention in my little internet space. I have a presence that seems to draw other people to watch me, whether on Facebook or whether it is here on my blog. I also tend to find a way to get noticed and put to use at church, or actually, in any social structure I am in – at the work place, or in the swing dance community, for example. I am aware of this, but this is not done as consciously as you might think.

Well, some of it is more intentional than others. I will say that in organizations, I am intentional about making sure people get to know me, and that I get to know others. I look for opportunities to get involved and contribute because it solidifies my sense of belonging in the group. And belonging is important to me – I know it isn’t as important to everyone in the same way.

At the same time, it is never my aspiration to “float to the top” and assume leadership positions. I don’t care to lead. I just want to be involved. It is never my intention to flaunt or show off my skills so that I can gain popularity or a following of fans. Often, I do things out of a desire to share. I love to sharing everything that I enjoy. This desire is genuine, though it can be construed as being showy. I am not completely innocent, though. Because of human pride, I admit that I sometimes do things for the sake of showing off, subconsciously or otherwise. I really don’t like that and am constantly trying to keep myself in check.

Anyway, this has been on my mind because I have lately found myself smack dab in the middle of a lot of things and getting a lot of attention, at church, and to a smaller extent, on the internet. At church, this has come in the form of opportunities to serve, which leads to compliments, and then, naturally (as church goes), increased responsibility and usability.

Here, I admit, sheepishly, that I like it. I love being able to be useful. I love knowing that I can be good at what I do. I love being someone that the ward or the stake needs. I am not being cocky when I say that I have been blessed with many skills and talents. It is the truth. Denying that would be untruthful and ungrateful of me. Everybody has talents, I’ve just been lucky to have been given opportunities to discover them and hone them. I like being able to use them, because using them makes me feel valuable, because I really want to serve and build the Lord’s kingdom, and because I like this process of improving myself.

There are many kinds of people who get responsibility in organizations. There are ones who are proud of themselves and their leadership positions, and there are those who are humbly and quietly doing their part. Both cannot avoid attention. Both will always be looked to as examples. I hope that I will learn to be more of the latter.

I hope that when I am asked to serve, it will not be because I am the obvious choice – extroverted, social, skilled, or possessing of leadership qualities. I hope that I will be asked to serve because I am willing and committed, and because I am focussed on doing things with the right spirit.

The way I live my life, I think the attention is unavoidable. It is something I simply have to be responsible with. At the end of the day, I hope that I never make it about me. Right now, I am still learning to work this balance out because I like that I am noticed, but I need to be more humble.

I want to get to a point where when people see me, I won’t want them to think what an awesome person I am. Right now, I still want people to know that I’m great (I like to be liked, ok?), but my truest, deepest desire that I aspire for, is for them not to see me at all. I want them to see my righteous yearnings, perhaps, but when I speak, all I want them to hear is the Spirit. When I serve, I hope that they will feel the Savior’s love. Whatever I have that they want to enjoy, I hope they will see that it is simply blessings from a loving Heavenly Father, and nothing to do with me at all. I want to be a witness of his goodness and mercy. I want my life to be about Him and not about me.

I keep thinking back to the song by Julie de Azevedo “A Window to His Love”

I want to be a window to His love,
so when you look at me you will see Him.
I want to be so pure and clear that you won’t even know I’m here,
’cause His love will shine brightly through me.

I want to be a doorway to the truth,
so when you walk beyond you will find Him.
I want to stand so straight and tall, that you won’t notice me at all.
But through my open door He will be seen.

I want to be a window to His love,
so you can look through me and you’ll see Him.
And some day shining through my face, you’ll see His loving countenance,
’cause I will have become like He is

A window to His love.
A doorway to the truth.
A bearer of the message He’d have me bring to you
And with each passing day
I want to fade away.
‘Till only He can be seen And I become a window to His love.

In my life so far, I’ve been so focussed on developing my individual identity and personality. While I will always be individually me, it is my hope and prayer that one day, all you will see in my countenance is the reflection of the Savior, and that who I am will be swallowed up in who He is.

Day 10: Blazering a trail

March19

Would you believe that this is the first and only blazer I’ve ever owned, and I’ve only had it for a month? Ladies, this is another one of those wardrobe must haves (I mean, have you seen What Not to Wear?) It creates the perfect level of dressed up casual that I love. Now I just need to get another in a slightly different cut and lighter color…

Today’s Accessories:

Necklace: $4 from campus vendors
Earrings: $1 for 3 pairs from campus vendors

This ensemble of items is nothing special, because it is the obvious way for me to wear them, but I actually really love it because currently, it is very me.

Yay for outfits that fit.

p.s. 7 weeks after I passed my driving test, I finally received my driver’s license in the mail today. Now I’m an normal person with a normal ID. Woot!

Day 9: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

March18

Since it’s St. Patrick’s day, I had to wear the green items I had like this:

First time I’ve reused a piece of clothing in this challenge. Different, no?

Day 8: Go With the Flow

March17

Finally, I got to wear my favorite accessory – a flower in my hair! It brings me back to the good old days on the tropical island of Hawaii.

Day 7: Why I Have Bangs

March16

Ah, tucking. Why did I never tuck anything in before? I love these pants and wear them often, but have never tucked anything into them. The lovely buttons on them have never seen the light of day before.

Recap: Day 1 – 6

March16

Here’s a recap of the last 6 days of fun I’ve been having:

In the first 6 days of this challenge, I have used 22 items out of 30, repeating only one pair of shoes once. And well, so far, every outfit has had a personality of its own, which has been my intent. Hopefully that random variety also reflects a little on the diversity of my personality.

Which day is your favorite so far and which is your least favorite?

Day 6: Red, White & Blue (with Black)

March14

Hmm. That’s the second patriotic reference I’ve made. Except that I’m still a Malaysian citizen.

Hah, I found a new way to wear this dress after all – and yes, I wore red with blue. Deal with it.

Day 5: Is Less Really More?

March14

Well, in today’s case, it might have literally looked like there was more of me than I would have liked. Oh well.

Day 4: Shades of Gray

March12

Again, this is a combination I found only because of the limitations imposed by 30×30. Love it.

Day 3: Stars and Dots Forever

March12

It has now officially been one year since I left Beijing to start a new life in California. What a year it has been! I miss my Beijing life all the time, but I love our little life here, and especially do not miss long distance romancing. What better way to celebrate than by wearing what the 3-year-old I babysit calls my “jammie stars”.

Look ma, I mixed prints! That’s something I would have never done previous to fashion blog stalking. I’ve had the polka dot sweater for years and had only ever worn it with a black tank underneath. Thank you, 30 for 30.

Day 2: Going Boho

March10

Sometimes, you go into something with one thing in mind, and then on a whim decide to change the plans a little and it turns out so much better.

Today was one of those days. I had today’s outfit planned out the night before, with gray shorts and flats intended for the bottoms (I was going for something “monotonal”), and then I pulled out the white skirt, and everything changed into a boho-inspired look. So I added a scarf to complete the look.

See?

Day 1: Are these jeans or what?

March10

Nope, these are jeggings.

Jeans + Leggings = Jeggings

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