“Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, including the person who tagged you.”

I usually wouldn’t be involving myself and others in note chains like these except that I was tagged by one of the people I love most in the world – and have thoroughly enjoyed reading the lists that she and everyone else has written, I want more! Plus, I always jump at any opportunity to properly talk about myself. My list is more like 16 million things.
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1) I love sharing myself with others. Most of my private life is on the internet for everyone and anyone to read – and when I do write private posts, they almost always eventually go public. In my ideal world, all my friends and acquaintances would read my blog so that they can know who I am without me having to tell them in person (because, heaven forbid, then it would look like I want their attention!) This is probably driven by my desire to be known and understood inside out, as deep down, I love attention and have this narcissistic idea that to know me is to love me – and who doesn’t want to be loved?

I thoroughly enjoy being cyberstalked because to me, it’s a huge compliment that someone finds me interesting enough to “research”. The truth is that I don’t often think of myself a very interesting person. I don’t feel like what I say contributes much to social conversations (in fact because I’m so serious all the time, I am a conversation killer more often than not) and I’ve all but given up on trying to be interesting to other people. I still want to be someone who leaves a lasting impression, but I do this by trying to be beautiful from the inside out at least to myself, and to Christopher, with focus on how (and what) I think and feel. That’s why baring my soul in writing suits me. I also vainly hope that maybe one day, if not now, people will learn something valuable and insightful about themselves, humanity and life from getting a good, intimate look at mine. I’d like to leave a legacy of authenticity.

2a) The 3 professions I have ever really seriously considered are these: teacher, mother (and wife) and psychologist/counselor. It’s difficult to communicate just how passionate I am about teaching, leading, guiding, inspiring and loving. I honestly can’t see myself being happy and fulfilled doing anything else. I’m not much of a long-term planner, but I’ve recently realized that most of what I have done with my life up till this point have been in preparation for these 3 roles – and that surprises me a little. For someone as intimidated by decisions as I am, it seems I have always known what I want out of life and have done little else but head in that direction. And so though I am without a clear idea of how, I still fully expect to have the opportunity to do/be all three at some point in my life.

2b) I also have this strange expectation that I will be famous one day that is difficult to place. I’ve always longed not for fame but for the power to influence the world for good. And while I no longer talk about doing grand things like I used to and have gotten very comfortable with my very mediocre but happy life, focusing on exerting my influence in my small circle, I still feel like it will happen one day even though I’m not working directly on it now. Maybe I’ll write a good book that turns into a movie, or have my own TV show like I’d idealized once, or head a worldwide women’s organization. Who knows – a girl can dream, can’t she?

3) I utterly dread shopping. I can’t deny how nice it is to come home with new things, but the process of acquiring them (and having to spend money to do so) is utterly painful for me. In China, having to bargain for everything, being constantly plagued with the fear of getting seriously ripped off and never really getting the satisfaction of getting a great deal on anything makes it 1000 times worse, but even at Walmart, with low sticker prices, I really feel smothered by all the decisions I have to make, especially with toiletries and cosmetics: Which toothpaste/toothbrush/shampoo/soap/lipstick should I buy? Is this one really better than the other? Is this one actually cheaper (this is 200g and that’s 220g); how cheap is TOO cheap – am I compromising too much on quality? Should I spend more now on a big bottle or pay less now for a small one but have to come back more times and sooner?

Even though I understand deep down that there is no “wrong” decision to make as far as consumer products go, I always am afraid of making unwise ones. Most people prefer shopping when they have money to spend. I love shopping most when I am on a shoestring budget and have no choice but to get the cheapest option.

4) I love to cry. It probably ranks number one in all of my favorite past times, trumping writing, reading, listening to music and dancing. I am addicted to it. If I go a whole week without shedding a tear, I find myself out of sync and empty and scramble to find something to help me cry. In fact, most of the things I do “just for me” (because I don’t do many things “just for fun”) are things that induce crying. If you went through my list of favorite music, books and movies – and blog posts/journal entries I have written, you would understand. It’s not that I love to be sad, it’s that I love experiencing the intensity of emotion. I thoroughly enjoy basking in melancholy and nostalgia for this reason but my favorite cries have been because I am so filled with love and happiness I can’t keep it in.

5a) I have what I call perpetual first grader syndrome. I always feel like a little wannabe amongst “grown ups” and because I silently worship them and see them as symbols of a phase of life I would like to achieve, I have a hard time striking friendships with people who are “ahead in life” from me and absolutely dread having to make casual conversation with them (especially at church). If it is an option, I always find myself socializing with the children because I’m much better at it – even though I really, really want to be good friends with all those interesting married people. It’s gotten better since I’ve become a teacher and realize that most parents see me as an equal partner, or even an authority on certain matters. I’m getting increasingly confident in who I am and it helps me relate to others with more ease, but being able to get along with all age groups it is something I am constantly working on and I always find it rewarding when I am able to feel like an grown up and have a good adult-to-adult conversation.

5b) Speaking of being an equal (and not inferior), calling everyone by their first name is something I have only become comfortable with over the last year or so because it’s so completely different from the Confucian-istic culture that I’d been raised in. Since then, however, I have completely embraced this practice as I have found it completely liberating for me and I love insisting that everyone call me by my first name, including the children that I teach (which is unusual here in China, but fortunately very Montessori), and while I will still want to be “Mommy” (I’m not that bohemian), I think I would love all my nieces, nephews and grandchildren to just call me Faye. I also am lobbying for Bro. and Sis. [Last name] to be done away with at church.

6) One of my ultimate goals in life is to write a song I love that expresses my feelings. I don’t need to share it with anyone else (just Christopher), I just want to have the power to express myself and the powerful emotions I experience with words AND music at the same time. The songwriter I worship is Sarah McLachlan. I want to write poetic songs the way she does. I also wish I had a better singing voice.

7) I absolutely hate being tickled. HATE. It is the ultimate no-no with me. I absolutely dislike the idea of being forced to laugh against my will and therefore also hate psychological tickling: being made to laugh at something I don’t really think is funny but have no way to stop. You may think I am enjoying myself when I am laughing so hard that I can’t stop, but when I am done, I will be absolutely enraged. This has utterly confused Christopher and he claims that I just don’t like to laugh. I still think that I enjoy laughter very much, I just like it to be more natural than forced and because being serious comes a lot more natural to me, I enjoy it a lot more. I think I ultimately prefer sharing tears with friends than sharing laughter, though I appreciate both. Much to my dismay, however, I’m much more of a chuckler than I am a laugher anyway.

8) I am very competitive by nature. I love being not just good, but the best at what I do. Time has helped me see that I am most often NOT the best, and I have mellowed out a lot, but I still have to fight the urge to be better than others. I despise incompetency even in simple things like game-playing and while I am a lot more beginner-friendly now than I have ever been, I have been known to get very upset at games of Taboo and Mafia.

9a) I pretty much completely embrace feminine gender roles. I was a wannabe feminist once, but soon realized it was all an act. I love being a woman and doing womanly things like wearing dresses and heels, cooking (and even cleaning) for my man, following in a dance, mothering etc. I learned to knit once because I thought it such a womanly thing to do and wear jeans/pants only because I have to. I still fight against being a complete girlie-girl and still have an averse reaction to pink, but ultimately think I like it a lot more than I care to admit. Christopher absolutely delights in buying me girlie things (have you seen my powder pink cellphone?!) and I put up a fight, but secretly enjoy indulging him.

9b) The one decidedly un-womanly thing about me is that I don’t love chocolate. I don’t hate it, but I just don’t care for it much. I will eat it if it’s there and sometimes even enjoy it – though I often will turn it down if you offer it to me, almost never buy it for myself, never chose a chocolate ice-cream flavor and can certainly live without it without even noticing.

10) When left to my own devices, I forget to eat. I am very, very bad at listening to my body and am completely desensitized to my body’s cues for hunger and thirst etc. This is really unhealthy, I know. Eating is a social activity to me, and if I don’t have people to share a meal with, I will often get distracted and be surprised by how weak I feel later on. I do, however, have the chronic munchies and when there is food to eat in front of me, I will absentmindedly pick at it till it’s all gone. I have always believed this to be a side effect of my extremist personality (I don’t know when/how to stop) and I always wonder when my body will catch up with me and how I will deal with it when I am no longer skinny.

11) Love and relationships are like sunshine and oxygen to me. I can go without them for a time but will need them desperately after a while or will completely wilt away. I also can’t help but to define myself by the romantic relationship I am in at the time. I don’t want it to look like I am flaunting my boyfriend in all of my Facebook profile pictures but I always feel like it’s a complete misrepresentation of me if I post a picture of myself alone. I absolutely love the idea of engagement and wedding rings because I want other people to know that I am more than just me, even if my significant other is not there.

12) I still haven’t figured out how to accept compliments, even if they are from people I trust completely. I secretly treasure them and tuck them into my “compliments chest” but I am embarrassed by how seriously I take them that I never know how to accurately respond. I end up turning them down more than half the time. I simply care too much about what people think of me and I am trying to change that.

13) With a few rare exceptions, I always prefer text-messaging to talking directly on the phone and always try to send text messages in full and proper English, using the non-abbreviated version of words (with the exception of commonly used acronyms) and the proper caps and punctuation in the right places. It really pleases me when people notice – and they have! When on occasion I compromise on a couple of words to try to fit everything in one message, I always cringe for a long time afterward and feel very apologetic toward the “you” and “your” I demoted to “u” and “ur”. What a demoralizing thing to do to the English language.

14) Though I have spurts of crazy social energy, I am very much of a homebody and generally want to hurry home no matter how long I’ve been out for. I still don’t do “alone” very well. The most I can manage is one day a week at home by myself without leaving, because I will feel like I have a friendless purposeless existence if I have too much alone time (I’m very bad at keeping myself entertained and go stir crazy very easily if I don’t get out), but when I do leave, no matter how much fun I’m having, I never want to be very far from home and will always jump at the first opportunity to return – even if I have no one to return to and nothing lined up for myself to do there but rest. Home is more of a conceptual resting place to me than it is physical. Thus home can be a pigsty of a dorm room, my boyfriend’s house or the hotel we are staying in for the night: I always take it with me no matter which part of the world I am in.

15a) Because I always feel like I am home, I don’t get homesick and call home often like most good daughters do. I skype home every birthday and special occasion but much of the effort to keep in touch otherwise is initiated by Mom. I love my family very, very much and like to think I am close to them but instead of missing them and calling home, I call home and find myself missing them instead. That’s probably why I don’t do it very often. I expect Christopher and I are going to aggravate our family members very much when we are living halfway around the world from them (like we plan to) and our parents want to know how the grandkids are doing.

15b) I am also bad at keeping in touch with even the friends I love and treasure the most in this world and wish everyone in this world would be active on Facebook so I could always know how they are doing without having to ask directly.

16) I know this list is too long to be a casual read but I can’t for the life of me bear to cut anything out because in my opinion everything I think – and all the different ways I’ve thought it – is important and deserves air time. Number 16 has been the hardest to write because it means that I’ve reached the cut-off point and have to eliminate writing about all the other things that I feel make me me (even though I cheated and have written way more than 16 things about myself).

The long and short of it is that I am much, much better at elaborating than I am at being concise.

I also wish that everyone would write as lengthly of a list in response so I could learn more about the things they consider important/interesting about themselves. Or at least so I don’t feel as bad for being the only person who babbled on and on about myself. Heh.