I’ve filled this space with so much fluff lately, this place isn’t a very fair representation of my life. Lots of the details are hidden in private posts or emails that I’ve written. I wish I could publicly post them here – I feel like I’ve lost something valuable by censoring the details because I’m trying to be sensitive to my readership (maybe posting to Facebook isn’t such a good idea…) I have the need to write openly and hope that I will find a balance here and won’t have to resort to a new anonymous blog. I like having everything in one place with nothing to hide.

In light of that, I want to say a few words about my life as of late, if in a vague, abstract way.

A couple of weekends ago (was it really that recent?), there was a large – HUGE – drama that broke out between Christopher and I that shook our relationship to the very core. We had tapped into a pocket of overwhelming emotional energy and being unable to handle the torrent of emotions, our worlds came crashing down. The distance did not help.

I won’t write the details here. I have written a record for myself. It will be enough for now. I think that there is a lesson I can teach with it, and hope to be able to write about it openly one day after time has worked its magic on the episode. Then, I hope, that it will be filed under immature misadventures from the Fei of the past, instead of something that might cause me to be judged/misunderstood today.

Suffice it to say, we suffered both because of something I did, and how it was interpreted. That weekend, our lives were completely turned upside down. Utter hell.

We overcame it. Somehow. For how deep the damage was, I would even say that we resolved it relatively quickly. That’s one thing you can say about us. We always manage to bounce back and move forward somehow or rather.

We are past it now, and we emerged stronger than ever before. From where we are, we can even look back on the sum of it all with fondness now.

Through the fire, the both of us learned valuable lessons about ourselves. We showed our worst; we showed our very best. I discovered a reservoir of hidden strength and confidence I never knew I possessed. Neither did Christopher. Life is full of surprises.

Since then, I feel like I’ve hit a growth spurt. The week after, I was riding on this wave of emotional movement. I felt a stirring within me. I had moments of lucid clarity. I saw; I understood. The most amazing thing was that I wasn’t alone in my experience: Christopher felt the growth too.

From my little taste of it, I want to say that growing together is the pinnacle of a relationship experience. Discovering ourselves and having a glimpse into our future selves together is something I cannot describe. To me, it is the apex of spirituality.

I’ve always wanted/expected to be able to say that my relationship is conflict free. This is not so. It is not a relationship defined by our conflicts, but we do need to constantly work to overcome ourselves to avoid them/resolve them better. The most important thing, though, is that I’m not afraid of it anymore.

I also used to think that I would be happy settling into the role of inferior in the relationship, and submitting to my man as the leader. I’ve learned that submitting does not always co-exist with my fiery passionate nature. Christopher is someone who I love, respect and trust and gladly submit to, but ultimately, I think I’m learning that I stand beside him as an equal. I’ll need to quicken/lengthen my stride to keep up, but learning that I can has been an important lesson.

Not every moment can be as intense as the most memorable ones. I crashed pretty hard the week after. Some depression always sets in for me after the emotional highs and moments of intensity are over and I have to figure out how to love my routine again. It’s hard to go back to walking when you’ve flown.

Things are back to normal now. I’ve got two feet firmly planted on the ground. Life is simple and event oriented. I have Christopher to look forward to in two weeks, with lots to occupy my time and energy to sufficiently distract me until he arrives.

Still, I haven’t forgotten. I carry with me a deeper and more refined sense of appreciation for the person that I am and am becoming. I am more grateful than ever before for Christopher in my life. There is no word that can adequately describe what we are to each other. We are flawed, but we still have the kind of relationship you would be right to be envious of. That is a cocky thing to say perhaps, but we are just that. If we play our cards right, what we have can be far reaching – beyond anything any of us can fathom.

It’s a good thing we both loving playing cards and are getting pretty danged good at it too.