*warning – deeply personal. Nature of content might make you uncomfortable*

Lately I’ve been reading a blog written by a woman in a relationship which fulfils her need for submission. I choose not to post a link to it on here because I know that the content would make many, if not all, of my blog readers uncomfortable. You would most likely disapprove 1) of the writer, and 2) of me for reading it. I will spare us that awkwardness.

While it is not a lifestyle which I choose, it’s still interesting to see how it works and the disturbing (to me) issues that underlie such a need. And yet, it works. I wonder how many other people there are who embrace this need, and what exactly this need entails.

One of the main themes of her writing, and most probably her life, is femininity and masculinity. The need of some men to be the dominant, with instinct to protect the female and be established as the man in the relationship. And then I read of her need to submit, to please him, to have his approval, to have him make ultimate decisions. The dynamics in their relationship is unfamiliar to me, yet I see her need, and how it had been taken advantage of before (abuse) and how she has found a safe place for it now. I know on the surface, it seems so unequal. The strong controlling the weak, and it may be so, but not in her perspective. Her partner is dominant because she needs it, and both seem to care deeply about each other.

It makes me wonder, all this talk about submission and dominance. I’m familiar with it in the context of sexual role-play, and have found it bizarre and, well, depraved. But this isn’t role play, this submission she speaks of encompasses every aspect of their relationship. In fact, all of her writing reminded me, in the most eerie way, of the language we use religiously, when refering to our submission to deity. The fact that she capitalizes “Him” doesn’t help either.

What I wonder about is what the “natural order” of things are, or if there is one, or where I fit in that context of either needing to submit, to dominate, or to be equal. I compare that with the patriarchal order, where the priesthood presides over the home and wonder if there is any connection at all. I want to be a feminist, and therefore have been trying to think like one. To view the man as one step higher is not at all appealing to me. I don’t like the word “weak” or “submit”. Yet, I have no desire to dominate whatsoever, and at my core there is this desire to be protected by someone stronger – and male.

I don’t know what this means, or if it has any significance at all. Perhaps all this blog reading has tainted my understanding of how things should be. But I’d still like to understand where I fit in all this.

I guess I am trying to say that I wonder what myneeds are.

I know that one of the reasons I have only dated Americans is that somewhere in my mental hierarchy, they are more dominant than the Asians I grew up with. Just a theory. The same thing with age. The thought of dating someone younger than me has always seemed somewhat pedophilic. Wrong. Contrary to the natural order of things. As I grow older and age difference diminishes, I see now that it has less to do with actual age, and more to do with maturity etc, but the fact is that I still look for someone I can look up to. That’s why American girls who dig Asian guys make me uncomfortable, in the same way that older women who like younger guys do. No big deal, something I can learn to accept – but I have to look twice.

In my list of things I look for in a guy, the underlying characteristic of the ideal person for me is someone who can earn my respect. I guess this is no different from everyone else. But I want someone physically stronger, more intelligent, someone who can take charge, a leader – a source of strength to me, someone who can pull me up in my weakness, not someone who is easily dragged down or who needs me to be the stronger one most of the time. I’ve been in one relationship in which I felt like I was often (often, not always) taking the lead i.e. the dominant. From the beginning, that was one of the biggest concerns. I didn’t like that so much.

If it doesn’t make sense, I’m just thinking out loud here. So to speak. Or write. Errr. Whatever.

At the same time, I know that I don’t want to be viewed as weak. I want to be capable, strong, and earn his respect. I look at my ideal couple and I see the wife dotes upon her husband and the husband is always talking about how incredible the wife is. They rely on each other for strength. It’s not a one way thing.

Still, in some ways, I see how it is comfortable having accepted the role as the weaker.

My first relationship was with someone 6 years older than me. It wouldn’t be so bad now, but this was back when I was 16. If ever I have been in a relationship where one was stronger than the other, this would be it. I was in highschool, he had graduated from college and had a real job. (This is where you might get uncomfortable) He called me his little girl. It didn’t seem strange to me then. I saw us as equals. He definitely needed me, and I wasn’t the only needy one.

But as I look back now, it sometimes baffles me. Even with my own friends here in college, I find myself disappointed in the men who fall head over heels in love with the young girls who are beautiful, but so much less mature and well, to me – empty. And then I think, oh my gosh, that was me. How sick is it for a 22 year old man to fall in love with a 16 year old?! How immature I was, how incompatible. And I frustrated him then, unable to hold a good level headed, objective, adult conversation with him on religion. But it was OK that I didn’t now anything about politics, or whatever it was that women in his world were fluent in.

What was he looking for? What was his need? Why, after all these years, does he still think that I was the perfect one for him?

I think back to the girl I was then. How willing I was to submit, to let him take charge. In my next relationship, there was a similar pattern. I’d play along, mould to him, learn to love his music, let him take the lead and do what I thought he’d want me to do most.

I wonder who I am today.

I’ve had some time to grow up, to form opinions of my own, to toughen up a little. But it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. I say that because it’s hard to gauge what kind of person I am around Matthew when I am not around him. I wonder if I were, if I’d fall into the same pattern of submission. I try to look back to March when we were together and desperately try to remember how I was like around him.

I wonder what roles we take up when we are around each other, and if we will be what the other needs. I’ve definitely seen his need to provide for me, I’ve seen how it is important for him to please, to have approval, he needs physical affection, even if it’s as simple as scratching his back during a play. He needs me to accept his outward gestures of his affection for me. Letting him take over and plan my trip to China was important to him. And yet, while I claim the need for the strong man who can protect me, my desire for protection has always been more emotional than physical. What I mean is that I’ve noticed that I’ve always had a problem accepting money. I get uncomfortable when people feel the need to give me things. Pride issue? I don’t know. But one of the biggest arguments I’ve had with an ex boyfriend was when he tried to pay for my meal. I’ve gotten better at letting the man pay for things, out of respect for his need to provide, I guess, but the idea of anyone spending large ammounts of money makes me uncomfrotable. Matt tried to give me $100 for my birthday so he could get me most of the things on my list. I had to turn it down. Just couldn’t accept it. Same thing with parents and birthday money, only I wasn’t given the option of turning them down.

I liked that he knew exactly what to do when helping me set up the internship, at the same time, I felt like he was taking over my job, like he was trying to do too much for me. I didn’t like it, and got quite upset when I found out that he had contacted my professors for me. I guess it made me feel like I was perceived as weaker somehow, and I didn’t like that. I don’t know.

Anyway, I was running off on a tangent.

I don’t know how all that fits. But I worry sometimes, that I don’t completely understand my needs. Or that I don’t know if I can be what Matthew needs. I’ve got some of the essentials down. Respect, communication (in our first languages i.e. English), shared goals, spirituality… I know what I am looking for on the surface. But relationships are eternal things. We need to complete each other to the core. What is it that I need? If it isn’t someone to submit to, then what? What kind of give and take will exist between us? What do I have to offer him? What if I find that I need to step up and be the “dominant” (a hypothetical I may never need worry about)? Do I let go of such a relationship or change and become what the other needs me to be?

What is it that I need? It bothers me that I don’t know.

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the type of relationship/family that I want to build. The culture we will have, the way we communicate, but I haven’t thought about the role I need to play, or the role I need him to play.

Being alone changes you. It forces you to set up your own identity, and you define yourself as a stand alone, and you have to learn to be content. But when you’re in a relationship, another dimension is added to your identity, and in it, you discover more of who you are. The longer you are single, the harder it is to mould into a relationship. We talk a lot about being independant, being happy without the other, standing on your own two feet. The Missing Piece Meets the Big-O. Yet, neither the man without the woman. How does that work?

So there are still some questions to answer. What are my needs. What are his needs. How do I fit. How does he fit. What are we together.

Reading the blog has left me longing more than ever for Matthew, because underlying her writing is an incredibly deep and profound love for her man. I am envious. While I am in a relationship, I am feeling like I lack one because of this distance.

I don’t have as strong a physical need as I know other people do. In person, the need is overpowering, but, as an example, I have barely ever craved kissing outside the context of a relationship. The need for me is not physical as it is emotional. Matthew feels farther away now, not because he is physically any farther away than he was before, but because communication has been lacking. We talk often, almost everyday, in fact, ever since he got Yahoo on his work computer. But communicating isn’t always connecting. It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation when the 45 minutes you get every 2-3 days is being yelled out. It feels like we talk for the sake of talking.

Maybe I’m geting a glimpse of what some people face in a marriage?

Whatever it is, there have been many times since he left that I’ve found myself withdrawn from him, not willing to open up, not having anything to say. It worries me, that while this distance makes him want to be closer to me, while it causes me to forget how I feel about him and why.

Every so often, in an email, or in a good conversation, I feel connected again, and I remember. And then this distance becomes unbearable. But so often now, I find myself wishing I had someone I can love. This is all wrong.

Writing this post has left me more confused than ever. There will be emotions and thoughts to sort out, but not tonight. I will have to let this post go unresolved. More answers will come with time.