Christopher and I found ourselves at the Beijing airport on a significant occasion once again. This time, however, instead of marking the beginning of his time in China with me (after 4 months of us getting to know each other long-distance), today marked the end, or more, a pause, to our China life together.

Today, Christopher left for San Bernardino for graduate school. I, on the other hand, am still here, living the Beijing life solo for a while. He’ll have a 3 month semester, we’ll meet up briefly in December, he returns for another 3 months before finding another way to come back to Beijing until I can leave with him for the next school year. 3 months at a time is just a drop in the bucket, I know, but it’s the hardest decision we’ve ever had to make.

The decision was finalized just over a week and a half ago. What a lot can change in just 10 days.

Though it may be a complete surprise for many (because I haven’t mentioned it till now), it wasn’t for me. Christopher had been deferring his acceptance at this exceptional program ever since he made the decision to move to China to learn Chinese and to be with me. I was aware that there was no postponing going to this particular school for this particular program past this semester. A few months back, before there was any talk of separating, the thought had occurred to me that I might have to give Christopher up for a little while so he could pursue this future-building path. I mentioned it to Christopher then, and I knew there was a chance, but it was pushed aside (at least in my mind) until summer came and it became increasingly hard for Christopher to stay in China (due to visa issues during the Olympic period) and the lack of a good job/internship that would actually be worth something in the long run.

Still, all the way up to the point where the decision was finalized, and even a little past then, all we did was find ways/reasons/excuses for him to stay in China – besides me. It’s difficult to find a good job within China that both pays the bills and counts for something in the long run without being fluent in Chinese. English teaching while learning Chinese is a common existence for many a foreigner here, but for Christopher and I, that would have been stalling for even longer just to be together for now, and at the cost of a top-notch graduate program that is completely in line with his career plans – and plans for our future together.

The uncertainty caused a great turmoil for while. I didn’t know whether he was staying or leaving, or what the plans were for our future together or if/when we’re getting engaged/married eventually. I had expected to be engaged by the end of Summer (after previously expecting or hoping to be engaged in December, then in March, then by my birthday in June, and then in Singapore in August). When the new school year began for me and I was unable to make concrete plans for the year ahead, I really struggled. In this period of decision making and confusion, I experienced a lot of hopelessness and aimlessness. The future was one big blank slate and all I could do was try to convince myself to focus only on being grateful for Christopher’s companionship on a day-to-day basis and not think too much of where we were headed (and how fast/slow). The insecurity caused so much hurt and drama and attacked the very foundation upon which our relationship was built. We managed to weather through that somehow, but it did leave us both shaken for a long time.

When Christopher finally let me know of his decision to move to California at the end of September, we cried together. I knew it was something he had been thinking about, but as I hadn’t seen much of the preparations that were being done, I started to hope that maybe he had changed his mind and would choose to stay with me instead. Facing the new reality ahead of us was a scary thing for me to do, and in the next few days, I was wracked with all kinds of emotions cycling through my system.

My first reaction was intense sadness at the thought of having to be far away from him. But my second emotion was gladness. It was good to finally have a direction with concrete time frames and clear expectations. There was a sort of calm that settled over me just being able to see a future – any kind of future. I did realize that in order for the relationship to progress, Christopher would need to be in a place where he could do more future-building than he has been able to do here. But it’s not that easy to be brave. Oh how I cried.

And then, there came the despair. I felt like Christopher leaving was like taking the salt out of my food and I just couldn’t imagine how I would be able to continue with my home so far away from me. It truly felt as though I would be losing Christopher completely, and I was sure that I would have to disconnect myself from him completely if I were to have any semblance of happiness here while he was somewhere far away. Those few awful days, I felt like Christopher and I weren’t just going to be physically separated, I expected us to fall apart and breakup because of the distance. Though he was still here, I felt like he had already left and we had been disconnected even if it was me who had disconnected myself from him.

Then, there was anger. This is not what I signed up for, I thought. I was upset that this was expected of me, angry that I would be left behind and that Christopher didn’t choose to prioritize us being together. I was infuriated at the thought it being construed as a much-needed “growing experience”. I didn’t want to think that I needed it and didn’t like how it was forced upon me. I felt like I had earned not having the need to ever be separated from the person I loved ever again after having been left to be single so many times in past relationships. I’d done the alone thing enough, I shouldn’t have had the need to do it anymore. I felt like I had earned some sort of medal for all the battle wounds I incurred from the pas and it had been taken from me. I was incredibly frustrated at the whole situation, but the anger couldn’t be directed at anyone specific because ultimately I knew that it was the right decision. It just made it all the more hard to shake it.

Numbness followed next. Numbness and apathy. I couldn’t cry after that, even though I wanted to. I wanted to go back to being angry or even despairing, but that had all been emptied out. I would tell people about it matter-of-factly, as if it didn’t make a difference to me whether or not he stayed or left.

That’s why it was impossible for me to write about this before. If I thought about how I was feeling one day, the next day it would be different and I would have to explore and deal with a completely new problem. I also didn’t have the need to talk about it with anyone else but Christopher and would only very unwillingly answer questions if people asked.

I no longer remember how all the negativity eventually dissipated. I know I had to decide to enjoy my time with Christopher while I had him, instead of making this already difficult decision even more painful for him. I never doubted the decision – I almost wished I had – but I couldn’t cause Christopher to doubt it in my confused ball of emotions. I still would hit pockets of intense sadness when the imminent move became more and more real and inescapable, but they wouldn’t last long.

Where I ended up eventually, was a miraculous calm acceptance of the circumstance. Maybe a subconscious “stepping up to the plate” of duty on my part. We both know that we want to see this through and make this – us – work out. If that is to happen, there can be no room for insecurity on my part, no doubt about our direction, no wavering in our determination to spend our time finding our way back to each other.

On Sept 20-21, on what we count as our 1 year dating anniversary (since I guess the 4 months of long distance now no longer count for anything), we went up to the Great Wall again with most of the other church members on an annual excursion. It was my 4th time going to this same section of the wall but it is a special place to me. The year before, this was where Christopher and I had our first kiss. Initially, Christopher’s flight was booked for the Friday before this weekend, and I was utterly disappointed. Not just because he wasn’t planning to be around for anniversary, but mostly because he didn’t think of it as the perfect place to propose to me as I did. He decided to change his flight to have one more weekend with me, but I still cried anyway knowing that I had created a false expectation and found myself disappointed yet again. Christopher was never planning on proposing here on the perfect day at the perfect place in my mind.

The weekend was enjoyable though. It was good to get away from the city and be in this beautiful place. We spent the night together under the stars on the wall with the other YSA and the youth. On Sunday, there was a perfect moment of just the two of us being together away from the rest of the group. It was a wonderful moment, but it ended with me crying again because I realized as time went on that I had still been hanging on to the little bit of hope that he would pop the question.

We left the Great Wall and all I could think about was my “conspicuously naked ring finger”. The only thing to keep me from being too weighed down was my next evil plan: to either find and steal this engagement ring that he’s supposedly had on him for a while now or just where my fake one and create a big fat lie about how he proposed to me on the wall. I wished that I had executed my initial idea of stealing the ring and proposing to him myself at my perfect time and perfect location. It gets old, multiple people asking me every week if I have any news and I have nothing to tell them, except that I share their disappointment.

It’s ridiculous how wrapped up in a little formality I’ve gotten. It seems so superficial, needing an engagement ring and a proposal to validate my relationship. At first I thought I just wanted a ring on my finger so that others could see exactly what it is Christopher and I mean to each other. That was a big part of it, but mostly, I never realized how much I relied on something so concrete for myself.

Christopher and I still not engaged. He hasn’t “popped the question” and there’s still to many variables before we’ll be able to plan on the logistics of marriage, but, in our own, strange, way, we have given each other the reassurance and a concrete commitment of our futures to one another that we need to see these few months through. He found a compromise that left me childishly grinning and jumping for joy. It’s surprised me (and annoyed me) how significant a little thing can be, but all I needed was a little evidence that it would only be a matter of time, and that is what I have with me while he is away.

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We said goodbye this morning, nearly 12 hours ago. It’s been a hard day.

The goodbye wasn’t romantic all the way through as I might have imagined up in days past. It was a stressful move for Christopher, with lots to get done and lots of people to spend time with before he had to leave. The odd thing about it was that I wasn’t the least bit resentful of the lack of alone time we got together the night before he had to leave.

I hadn’t cried very much since the emotional craziness I initially experienced. I got sad and let some tears out, but I was otherwise very collected for a lot of it. The first big pang came when we walked out of Christopher’s apartment with his suitcases and I looked inside knowing that even when he did come back, that this house wouldn’t be our home anymore. Even though my bed is down the street from his apartment, this was my home too, and only a little bit of him remains strewn about in the house now.

It wasn’t an extremely teary goodbye for me as far as airport departures go. But there were points when I thought that I would never let him out of my arms.

After he left, all I wanted to do was ride home alone on the bus so I could cry but I had 2 friends with me who had also come to say goodbye and we ended up cabbing back together instead. The bleak, cold, rainy weather didn’t help the emptiness I was feeling.

When I finally got back to his apartment, the floodgates were finally released and I had the first real cry in a long time. A light had been left on and when I returned, it looked as though someone was in the living room. It hit me then, that I would look for him every time I come to this apartment and that I would never find him here again.

I still had to go in to work. The babies lifted my spirits, but all I wanted to do was go home and be sad. By the time the work day was done (only 2.5 hours later) however, I did everything I could to delay going home. I dragged my feet and walked a little slower. Now that Christopher is gone, there is no one left to hurry home to at the end of the day. I made myself plans to go out shopping for a webcam for us, but on the way to the bus stop, I passed my apartment and decided to make a stop there to see my roommate, Leru.

Boy was that the best thing I could’ve done with my day.

It’s good to know that I’m not completely lost and homeless. As painful as this is, this is probably the easiest separation I’ve ever had. Previously when a boyfriend left, our relationship would end, and I would have to rebuild my life from scratch. Everything I had lived on was now gone and there would be both purposeless and loneliness. This time, I have even more purpose than ever, and though I want to give all that up just to have him here, I do have family here still. I have 2 roommates to go home to everyday, people to cook and eat meals with, work and play together. I am so grateful for them.

Planning becomes so much more important when you are without the constant companionship of your best friend in the world. Before, all I needed to have a good evening was to go home and be with Christopher. Now I am again looking for things to schedule each day with so the time in between talking to Christopher will pass quicker. There will be plenty of writing, reading Wild Swans (though it won’t last me 6 months, or even 3), I suspect cooking will become my new obsession, there will be errands and shopping to do, and people to invite over and activities to coordinate. There will be travel, as much as all I’ll think about is how I wish Christopher were there no matter where I go, but I have to do all these things to distract myself from just pining away into nothingness.

Eventually, I left the loving, happy companionship of Leru at my house and came back to Christopher’s apartment. As much as I needed the lift and the reminder of all the great things I still get to enjoy without Christopher around, I still needed to be sad, and to miss him, and to cry. So here I am in this house, still sitting up every time some neighbor opens their grilled door, as if it’s Christopher coming home. I miss him terribly. How much I cannot describe. It’s just not the same without him.

I think a lot of it hasn’t hit me yet. I know I will adapt. I imagine myself living independently like I used to, knowing that I can do it, but only half realizing that we’ll be apart for as long as half the span of time we were together. We built our lives together for a year, and now I have to do 6 months of halfway being independent while still needing him in my every day life. I don’t really understand how it will be done.

And yet, I am not lonely unless I choose to be. My whole world isn’t collapsing and I continue to have so much going for me here. I used to think that the one who got left behind had the hardest time because it would be very obviously missing a huge piece unlike the one leaving, who would be so wrapped up in the new environment that never previously had a place for the one he left behind. In this case, I think Christopher has had the harder part, leaving behind this life which he loves here is so painful. Only one of the many things I love is lost, and by some miracle, I’d set up my life in such a way that when Christopher left, I would miss him, but I wouldn’t be left emotionally and socially destitute. That is truly a feat for me.

This is the time for both of us to figure out where the other belongs in our lives and in what quantity but the only loss is physical in nature. He said over and over that this will make us so much stronger and bind us together. I don’t know how it’s done, but this is the strongest I have ever been.

There are still lots of scary things ahead, most of which is having to deal with life on my own first, before I can run to him for emotional support. I no longer will have Christopher to act as a buffer from myself. I and I alone will have to deal with my weaknesses – and that takes all the courage I have. Still, I look forward not with fear, but with hope.

Like I’d said, *I* couldn’t ever do this, but *we* can.