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Writing here is something that I should have made a higher priority. Christopher has been gently encouraging me to write in all my absence from my blog but it was really difficult to come back after such a long sabbatical from writing. I was out of touch with my audience, overwhelmed by all the events I had missed the boat on writing about, yet not really feeling that I had anything new to say. The main problem, I discovered when I finally made time to write last week, was that I was so out of touch with myself.

Time for introspection has been in short supply by my own doing. Determined to spend every single one of my waking moments with Christopher, where work and life permits, I have been eating into any alone time that would have been spent on collecting and organizing before writing them down. And because I hadn’t spent this time to regularly clean out my closet of thoughts and emotions, when I finally did write last week (after very reluctantly saying goodbye to Christopher when he went to the gym to workout with a friend) everything came spilling out on top of me and I was too overwhelmed to know how to deal with the intensity of all the thoughts emotions I had been only half acknowledging this entire time. That became a private post.

I thought that I didn’t need to write here anymore because the only person who I really need to hear my thoughts is Christopher, and since I tell him everything and am completely myself around him, there is no longer a need for the world to know who I am. But what I learned is that putting all your laundry away in a basket isn’t the same as cleaning, organizing and putting them away. Eventually the pile got so big that though I was able to ignore it for a while, the basket got overwhelmed and there was no more room in it for the dirty laundry that I refused to deal with.

I realize now that this whole time I should have written for no one else but me, public or private. The discovery I made the last time I wrote was that much of the insecurity I had been battling over the last few months was because I hadn’t taken the time to deal with myself, to listen to myself and to accept and love myself despite my often flawed perceptions and emotions. I had made loving me and dealing with me Christopher’s responsibility alone and because there was a lack of ownership for who I’d become, it took a definite toll on our relationship. Not perhaps, an immediately obvious threat, but the unhappiness I felt (which at first seemed to have an unclear source, but which I later found out was unhappiness with myself) definitely burdened us and hung around our necks like an invisible millstone.

I wrote this about me to a good friend just the other day: My lack of desire for alone time really needs to be tempered. I never give myself any, even though I know it actually does do me good when I do have just a little. It’s always inflicted like a punishment, but enjoyed like a sickness that forced you to take the day off work.

I need to learn to seek out that time for introspection and reflection, for regrouping and working on the half of Christopher and I that is mine.

I also have the tendency to forget that a lot of people out there have no idea how I am doing. I think that just because I sporadically update Facebook that other people always know what is going on with me. I’ve definitely become a lot more private of a person, but only because I am completely wrapped up in the Christopher and Faye life that I forget to include other people more often than not.

Another major reason for not writing is that I dislike having to present Christopher’s and my relationship anything but perfect, thinking that by showing weakness, our compatibility would be judged and questioned by others. Mostly, I think that in my unacknowledged embarrassment about myself in all my doubt and insecurity, I was afraid that I would be judged as undeserving of a man as wonderful as Christopher.

A source of frustration for me that caused an awful lot of drama, was that I’d felt stifled, stagnated and direction-less because of my unfulfilled desire to concretely take things to the next level with Christopher i.e. no, we’re still not engaged. We’ve been together in person for 10 months now and the getting to know you process began 14months ago. Part of it has been figuring out the when/where/how of getting married for both of us. There are so many things to take into consideration. Where should this be? How can both our families be there? How soon can we get a visa? When can we relocate so Christopher can go to grad school? How can we pay for it?

How can we get engaged if we don’t even know when we can get married? Eloping sounds really appealing right now. Unfortunately that complicates the visa process and also some family relationships.

But it’s more complicated than that.

There was an incredible amount of confusion on my part because I’d expected something to happen during December of last year, after he’d been here for only 3 months. For me, just knowing that I loved him was enough to promise to be his for all time and eternity. If we know we’re planning on getting married and are practically married anyway, why wait? I’d rather work out all the little kinks while we’re married and at least get a few more perks from this whole relationship business and then I’ll stop having to go back to my apartment every night (I will forever and ever hate having to leave home to sleep in another apartment) and we can save on rent etc.

Every Sunday at church since he’s come to China, somebody asks me “So is it serious?” and since then it’s become “So are you engaged yet?”

First, I very simply and concretely wanted to have a ring on my finger so that people could immediately know that I belonged to him and maybe understand the level of commitment we have to each other. And then it turned into probably the only way I wanted him to show me that he loved me. It really is hard for me to understand, this process of becoming ready to be engaged/married. I thought (and probably still think) that you date just long enough to be yourselves around each other and find out if he/she is the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with – and then you get engaged. This “getting to know you” process doesn’t take longer than half a year. Especially if you spend every moment of every day that you can with each other.

I felt upset that I had already foolishly given him so much on the assumption that we WOULD be getting married when in reality, he hasn’t even actually asked me.

In my mind, the lack of a proposal meant that he was still unsure about us, or worse, that he was waiting for me to change something, for me to grow up a little perhaps, before he “popped the question” and I felt that I would never become what he wanted before he would decide I wasn’t ever going to change and would leave me for someone else. And with every insecurity-caused drama episode that would come up, I felt like maybe he would change his mind about marrying me and that it would set us back even longer.

As the months went by, and I kept waiting, every moment wondering “Maybe now… now would be a perfect time to ask me to marry you” and would find myself disappointed time after time. I would bring it up often, and the discussion would only end in tears. I stopped bringing it up everyday after a while, much to his relief. But I continued to create “landmarks of time” in my head, creating expectations of timing that were unexpressed to him and waiting to see if it would happen then. Most of my birthday in mid-June was ruined already long before I got to it because I learned that on my birthday I wouldn’t get what I wanted most. And yet, still on the day itself, I hoped against hope, getting myself to believe that he had led me to think he wouldn’t propose so that he could surprise me with it. I set myself up for disappointment, but more than anything, set him up for failure to give me a happy birthday.

I felt like instead of having a sure and happy projection of our future together, all I saw was empty bleakness of routine that would go nowhere. I will admit that what attracted me to Christopher – and all relationships in general – was the prospect of change and here we are, still living the China life that I had set up for myself from a couple of years ago. I looked to milestones to mark progress and the next one for me would be engagement, then marriage, then children. Without any sign of that happening soon, I felt stuck and very, very frustrated. And it really hurt him, I think, the fact that I only saw this time with him as “downtime” – wasted time where I was just waiting for the next milestone and refused to see any progress we were making as a couple that he felt was getting us closer. All this time he felt he was spending to make us stronger, I felt was causing us to drift further apart.

One thing that I’ve learned that has changed my perspective a little is the difference in our relationship to one another. While on my end, there has never been any space between us since he moved here, and I have given as much of myself as I can from the very beginning not feeling like my love for him has really changed (though it has deepened in understanding and our foundation has become stronger), for him, this has been a process of learning to trust me and to let me in more and more. For me, I am either on or off, all or nothing, and the idea of this being a process thoroughly confuses me, but I know I need to make room for understanding him and perhaps instead of expecting him to always reassure me about us, that he needs my confidence and reassurance as well.

To cause you to think that this drama has been resolved would be dishonest though. A lot of the insecurities have been overcome, but I’m still waiting. The difference, I suppose, is that I am no longer waiting for our relationship to END, as I had subconsciously been doing before and I’m not really waiting for us to begin either, and instead am learning from him to savor who we are for what we are instead of loving us for what I expected and desire us to be.

But I still am waiting for the moment. The 2 weeks we’ve had together while I’m off for the summer has been some of the most wonderful ones we’ve shared. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved and treasured and more confident about us ever before and every moment of bliss, I still find myself thinking, willing “Ask me now. Now would be a perfect time to ask me.” I’ve again created another invisible deadline: the end of Summer. We’ll have this whole conversation again if we’ve made no progress by September.

It’s been serious immaturity on my part, but it is still difficult for me to watch other couples, friends of ours, meet, get engaged and marry in the short time that I’ve been waiting for it to happen to me too. It is so superficial, but watching friends power on through new phases in life with marriage and kids, I feel left behind when really, what I have right now, is a marriage to me – and has always been, and in many ways, (no offense to friends out there), one that I feel is much stronger than many of the insta-marriages that I have observed. And while I am proud of what I have, and know I shouldn’t feel the need to compare I still do and find myself envious of something so silly as bragging rights. No, Faye, you are really not “behind schedule”, even if you always thought you’d be the first to get married (with my relationship track record, wouldn’t you?), even if my mom already had 2 children at my age, or if Rebbecca got married at 18 like I thought I would and at my age has 2 and one more on the way.

I really have to shake my head at myself sometimes, because if this engagement business is an issue now, I can only imagine the disagreements we’ll have on when to start having kids.

But now, with much of the drama out of the way, with more faith and more understanding, life has been simply wonderful and wonderfully simple for Christopher and I. We’re just going about our daily life things and enjoying doing it together. We are both busy in our callings at church, his Chinese is making some real headway, it’s summer for me and when my Chinese visa process is finally over, we’re going to visit family in Singapore during the Olympics here. Things are going well.

I still find myself wishing I had some good girlfriends here, or other close friends instead of just lots and lots of acquaintances who I barely know and who barely know me. In many ways, my world has shrunk considerably and I’ve found that I’ve really lost my ability to connect to people and have any mutually enjoyable conversations with them. I’ve just become so much less interested in others, completely wrapped up in my own world, always wanting to just be home with Christopher and I suppose it shows. Still, life is good and there is plenty of safety, love, fun and fulfillment in my little world. And in that sense, my world is just as large as it needs to be – for now.

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In other news, here are some major-ish events that have transpired in my absence that I should document.

1) I don’t have cats anymore. Christopher says I gave up on them, but in truth I gave up on myself ever turning into a responsible pet-owner. My irresponsibility (among other things) cost me my apartment, but I was detached from the cats and the apartment long before I lost both, since I’d moved my home and center to Christopher’s and ceased spending enough time there with them. In many ways, I wish giving up the cats was more painful and that I miss them more, but the truth is I brought them into my life because there was a hole and now that the hole had been filled, the only way I could continue to love them is if Christopher could share that love with me. That didn’t work out. Instead now from time to time, I feel a small pang of guilt for not honoring my promise to the cats I brought into my home, and hope that they are happier now than they were with a neglectful owner. I have come to accept the fact that I will never be welcome in cat heaven, but it is true that more than feeling sadness for my loss, I felt relief from burden and responsibility.

2) My daddy came to visit me in Beijing for a week (pictures here). It was just after one of Christopher’s friends from BYU-Hawaii came to visit for 3 weeks, during which time I also hosted a friend at my apartment for 10 days. It was an incredibly busy two months, with first, the Great Wall Swingout Lindy exchange that I helped organize and then organizing a Jinshanling-Simatai Great Wall hiking and camping trip I organized single-handedly for the YSA (in which I got stung by a scorpion and got major bragging rights) and then entertaining more guests. You can’t blame us that much for being severely anti-social after all that.

Having Dad come out to Beijing was a real treat. It’d been a year and half since we last saw each other and the only way we really keep in touch is through our blogs and there has been very little direct communication between us except on video conferences every time a family member has a birthday (which is 8 times a year, but still…) because I’m really bad at calling home and Dad’s not really a person you call just to have a chat with, you know, so it was good to have home brought to me and to watch him experience Beijing in a very different way from our previous guest. It was a good reminder to me of how much I inherit from my father, personality and character wise.

3) The Beijing International Branch split into 2 in April/May, with the families in the suburbs in NE section of town by the airport in one branch and all the rest of us in another. They took all the children and youth, and we kept all the single adults, most of the younger marrieds and their families and seniors. I was really skeptical at first because I loved the families that lived out there so much and I really miss seeing their examples, still, but I’ve seen the amount we’ve all grown as individuals and as a branch because of the split. Everybody is needed in a smaller branch and we’ve seen many members who previously managed to go by unnoticed step up to the plate of responsibility. It’s become a much more tight-knit community – and I’m still not sure how to resolve my habit of calling each member of the branch presidency by their first name. Hey, they do it too!

Because of this split, I have felt the Lord stretch my capacity. I was pulled out of YSA and called as the music leader for the primary. Teaching music to children is a huge part of what I do for a living, so it’s not particularly a daunting calling, but it’s still been a growing opportunity. It’s really helped me be connected to the families and the rest of the branch and it’s been a growing experience for me learning to work with the other primary leaders – I had gotten so used with solely interacting with children at work, stretching that to include their parents, and then with people my age at church and social activities. Now I work with people more ahead in life than I in primary and my visiting teaching list (companion included) is comprised of women who have reached the status of grandmother. Finding a way to relate to all people and connect to them is something I always am working on, and this is a real challenge for me but I’m growing up and feeling more confident. It has affected my relationship with my peers because I’m not “in” on the YSA anymore, but they still help me feel very much like a part of them and strangely look to me as their leader still, which I appreciate. It helps that Christopher is the YSA rep and keeps me connected even if he is social last.

The blessing I received when I was set apart was one of the most powerful ones I have received, and I am glad Christopher stood in and heard it too. It certainly showed me that Heavenly Father is aware of my every single need and desire. How is it that serving in my little calling of leading music time each Sunday will give me the blessing of order in my life (which I always lack and need), strengthened relationships, and a blessing on my professional life? It’s amazing.

4) I have a roommate. She is Chinese, her name is Erica, she’s an ENFJ, and I love her. When settling moving out of our apartment with the landlady, there was this big confrontation which was very emotional for me but Christopher, Erica and her friend were there to support me and be my advocates so I could stand up for myself. That experience left me very shaken and very overwhelmed. The 3 weeks of trying to find a new place to live before we had to move were a nightmare for me as options would whir around in my head – none of them good, no matter how many apartments we saw a day – and I would stress over whether or not I was doing the right thing by refusing to settle for a crappy apartment. After the whole fiasco was over, I lay in bed, just drained, and shaking my head at the fervor in which Erica and her friend had stood up for me, when a lot of that situation was my fault. They stood firmly on my side and never questioned or doubted me. Christopher said something to the effect of “It’s weird having friends who love you, isn’t it?”

This whole time I was waiting for Heavenly Father to throw me a bone, like a nice apartment we could move into that we might even be happier in- instead of having to couch surf after moving out – and it never happened, and I did question the purpose of the whole ordeal and wondered where my help was. But after what Christopher had pointed out, I realized that something I had been really missing and really wishing for this whole time was a close friendship with someone other than Christopher because as much as I would like to believe it, I know that it’s really not enough to just have one other person in the world. Before the whole housing fiasco, I never would spend time with my roommate. In fact, I would go home hoping that she would already be in bed or in her room so I wouldn’t be obligated to talk to her and could go straight to bed. I now understand just how lonely she was and am glad that something changed so that we could get to know each other better. There’s still somewhat of a language and cultural barrier between us, but all in all, Christopher and I are glad to have her and her friend Lee in our lives as our only real Chinese friends (as well as Lee’s dogs, a spitz and a husky) and she is happy to be at the fringes of our social life with the YSA. If financial situation will ever allow, I will get us both to Hong Kong and she *will* learn about the gospel there and love it.

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So I owed the world a long post, and there it is. There have been some crazy ups and downs, pictures to post and other little things that transpired, but these are the few that have had lasting effect on my life as it is right now. And life as it is just couldn’t be better.

Stay tuned for more on my crazy hair and our summer vacation photo shoot project.

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Work, Study and Growth
This past year saw me settle into more confidence and competency at my job as a Montessori pre-school teacher to 2-3 year olds at an international school here in Beijing. I started and completed a distance Montessori training program for 0-3s , received my teaching diploma and subsequently received a substantial raise for the new school year. The job continues to be a large source of fulfillment and enjoyment in my life and I am truly grateful to be blessed with what I consider the best job in the world for me right now on all fronts.

I spend my days doing what I enjoy most: loving and caring for children dear to my heart, thinking of ways to best serve their needs – socio-emotional, physical and intellectual – singing and dancing, reading stories, laughing, smiling, teaching and inspiring. The amount of organization, self-discipline and meticulousness required for me to be the best teacher I can be still does not come easily to me, but trying to practice the Montessori method has been a good experience of learning, growth and self-improvement for me. I love the people I work with and savor the trust and freedom I have been granted at my job which allows me to work for my own fulfillment. Time passes quickly at this job and the breaks are many – and quite long – leaving me plenty of time and resources for travel.

Recreation: Dancing, Travel and Friendships
Looking over pictures of 2007, I was surprised at just how much travel I was able to do over the last year. In May, I had the opportunity to go to Ulanbatar, the capital of Mongolia, with some friends. Getting there was an adventure I will always look back on with pride. Later that month, I finally paid a visit to the Terracotta Warriors in Xi’an after 2 years of being in China and, to cap it all, the Lindy Hop scene in Beijing surprised me with a scholarship that enabled me to attend a huge swing camp in Herrang, Sweden for 3 weeks in July.

Herrang was certainly one of the major highlights of this year for me. It was my first time in Europe, my dancing improved somehow (or so I was told), I got to be a part of a radio feature about the camp, but mostly, I made a few special friends who I will keep close throughout this lifetime. These few special friends opened to me a whole new fountain of knowledge on personality typing, an interest I rediscovered earlier last year that has brought me the fulfillment of an intellectual pursuit in the field of psychology which I love so dear. This vocabulary for describing and understanding myself and others is something I have used every day since. It has brought me a clearer understanding of myself, who I am, my strengths and my weaknesses.

Swing dancing continues to be an important part of my life. I got to swing dance on the Great Wall this year, in Sweden with people from all over the world, and competed in China’s first swing competition with my awesome dance partner, Vinny. It was my first time having to work with a partner for a competition and though we came in at a close 4th, we had a ton of fun and all that hard work showed in our dancing.

Love and Romance
Sometime in May, a life-changing thing occurred: I finally caved into peer pressure and joined Facebook rather reluctantly. I didn’t regret it, though. This networking site allowed me to be reconnected with many long lost friends, particularly those from past college days, one of which was more significant than others. Now that the timing was right, Christopher Wyatt and I recommenced our email correspondence that had begun 2 years prior while we were both at BYU-Hawaii and he wrote an article for the school paper about the blogging scene that I was a large part of there. Not having a chance to really get to know each other then (I was in a relationship at the time and had moved to China shortly after anyway) we spent 4 months getting to know each other long distance via email, chat and video conferences before Christopher moved here to study Chinese (an strategic move for his future career) and to further our relationship. It’s been an incredible 4 months together. I was completely smitten before and am still utterly in love now.

Since he’s been here in September, we’ve both moved into nice Chinese apartments in the same neighborhood which is 2 kilometers away from church, work, school and swing dancing (everywhere we need to be) and our lives are very much intertwined. He’s joined me in swing dancing and playing Dungeons and Dragons (also something new for Faye in 2007) and I try to help him with his Chinese. He is currently serving as the Young Single Adult Representative in the branch and we’ve had many opportunities to have them over at “our place” i.e. his apartment including Christmas when we cooked for about 15 people. After spending Christmas in Beijing with the single adults, we had the wonderful opportunity to travel together to Southern China to a beautiful place called Yangshuo and spend the new year there. It was my first time going that far south in all my time here in China and even in the browner, colder month of December, it was paradise to me.

This relationship has been the most significant positive change for me this year, and certainly the most bounteous of my blessings. Where there was much personal and spiritual growth on my part this past year, this relationship only continues to reinforce this journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. We’re working on following the first part of the advice we’ve been given about having a “long courtship and short engagement” and so far, it’s going great! You may have noticed the shift in pronoun usage since Christopher has come into the picture. How “we” are doing has become much more important now over how “I” am doing.

Home and Family
Minor troubles prevented us from going back to Singapore where my family is now for Christmas this year, but I got a wonderful visit from Mom in October. It was the first visit I’ve had from family in my 2+ years of being here. She got to meet Christopher (it was just after he had moved here) and visit historical places in China that she had always wanted to see like the Great Wall and the Forbidden city. She was also there when I went bungee jumping for the first time. That was exciting! My family has been blessed this year with having my sister Su on a full-time mission in Oakland, California. There she has been serving with and teaching the Chinese people I am unable to share the gospel with here.

The Year Ahead
All in all 2007 has been an incredibly memorable year, one that I will always look back on with fondness. To those of you whom I got to know and love over this past year – thank you for making this year such a wonderful one.

2008 promises to bring some changes ahead as I feel my time in China is almost up and am gearing up to leave China – though exactly where and when is still undecided. Whatever it is, I know it will be good. Chinese New Year brings the year of the Rat, “my year”, and I have a feeling it will be a great one!

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And to me, the scariest part is the thought of leaving a life so comfortable and so familiar behind and never being able to return. Not to the way things were. Yeah. Look at me talking about it when it isn’t my challenge and I’m completely uninvolved in the process.

But it really is weird for me, even at an arms length – and then some. I have my own apartment here and haven’t lived at home for a long while. I don’t usually feel that much of a pull to the home I grew up in. But year after year of being away, there was always a comfort in knowing that I could go back for Christmas and things wouldn’t be that different. My brothers would be taller, their voices deeper. There would be maybe one more computer added to the living room, a new thing accumulated here and there, a pet or two missing, a few more added etc. But home would be pretty much as I remembered.

Now when I think of home, I think of boxes being packed up and memories being left behind. My brave brothers learning to live together in a small, small apartment just a little bigger than the one I get to myself here in Beijing. There are new friends to be made. The ward in Singapore has taken my family under their wing. I have no idea who they are but I have to love them.

I see my family and I think of Lehi’s family leaving Jerusalem behind. Lot and his family leaving Sodom. I’m not the one doing the physical leaving, although emotionally, I think there is some adjusting to be done, but this has been an eye-opener to how difficult it can be to leave your life behind and move on to something that should be better but is 10000 times more uncomfortable and sure doesn’t feel like a promised land.

What a trial of your faith. And how difficult it is when you don’t have the conviction that you are doing the right thing. I see how easy it is to become a Laman or a Lemuel. Or how strong the pull is to turn around and look back when you’ve been told not to.

Anyway. Enough blogging about challenges that aren’t even directly mine. My family needs your thoughts and prayers.

And I need a blog and some sleep.

Goodnight.

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The focus of many of my posts at that period was on past relationships. I was dealing with a breakup then too (and had yet to put the 2 relationships prior completely behind me) and I like reading about it now. It’s really strange. Ever read someone’s blog/diary and feel a closeness to them because the issues they are dealing with are near to your heart? You grow to love them and hurt for them and rejoice in their growth. I am experiencing that now with the Faye from nearly 3 years ago.

I’ve cried a few tears for myself already. There’s nothing like watching yourself grow.

The issues I was dealing with and other things I’d blogged about in January 2004:

- Teenage rebellion: My parents had decided that I should stay in Malaysia, the weekend before I was to leave for BYUH again after being home for 6 months. It was really tough being home and having to obey my parents after having had so much freedom and independence for 10 months in Hawaii. Though it really was something that I needed, the way it had been implemented wasn’t very fair and I was quite bitter for a while and blogged a lot about my parents to try to deal with that.

- Jealousy/ Sibling Rivalry: I had stayed behind (or as I called it “was grounded”) from college while my younger sister got to go ahead, to my school. It was very hard on me then, trying to deal with feelings of inadequacy and I took out a lot of my angst on my sister. Not to her face (because she really did nothing wrong), but I would hate people at church asking about her, and in one incident, got really mad when she called home while we were playing BS together at FHE (a game I had just introduced that my family just LOVED) and all the attention had been turned to her. Being home while she was in college where I was the only daughter in the house was actually really good for me, though. I finally got my own bedroom (I had thought before that I would always have a roommate unless my husband died before I did: home, college, mission, marriage) and I got to develop a lasting friendship with my mother. From one adult to another.

- Home sickness, for Hawaii: I felt like I’d left a lot behind. My education, my social life (I hadn’t really made friends in Malaysia yet), my independence, and the biggest, hardest thing: my boyfriend, Mark. I felt left out. My sister was doing the things I loved without me, meeting my friends (I felt replaced), people were doing things, getting closer to graduating, while I was stuck at home. I was lonely. Mark and I were doing the long distance thing but decided to break up because I didn’t know when I’d be back again and knew that it wouldn’t be healthy to hold on to the relationship. One of the reasons my parents had decided that it’d be better that I stayed home was to help me break my dependence on the relationship. I had made lots and lots of phone calls to Hawaii in my 6 months of being home and spent all my time on the internet chatting with people there, especially Mark.

It’s funny how leaving Hawaii this time around was completely different. It really was time to leave. I have barely looked back since. Sometimes I wish that I longed to go back more so I would actually be motivated to go back to school but I’ve built my life here, and I am living in the present.

In January 2004, a friend of mine who had found my blog commented (besides how sad my blog made me look) on how I’d talk about Hawaii so often like it was paradise. To which I replied in a post:

Hawaii – yeah, it’s paradise to me. And I’m not alone in that. It’s been hell too, you know. Best and worst times of my life. Honestly though, I’m just looking to it so much because don’t we all fantasize about being someplace else? Some place supposedly better. “Anywhere would be better than here!” (Except China…yikes!)

Hah. Little did I know that I would end up here just a year and a half later. I take that back. For me right now, no place is better than China.

- Breaking Up: The reason I started blogging was because I had seen the blog Jared (another ex-boyfriend) started (and back when it started it was a lot more personal and less for entertainment) and decided it’d be a good place to talk about my day and whatever I was feeling so I didn’t have to run to Mark every time I had something to say. I named this “Faye’s Boyfriend Replacement”.

Dealing with weaning myself from Mark was really difficult. The whole time we had been apart, he had been very willing to prioritize communication with me (that’s why I love dating geeky guys, I think, they don’t have a whole lot of a social life outside of what I bring and I really am the best thing in their life). When we decided to “break up”, it meant not being obligated to talk anymore. I blogged about the sleepless nights I’d have because I hadn’t gotten to talk to him on the phone that day, and hadn’t gotten to say goodnight to him. I still see that kind of silly dependency in myself now, when every weekend I am still disappointed that I didn’t get to talk to John. I am much more detached from him in general than I was with Mark in January 2004, and he is definitely much more detached from me, so it is a little different.

I would mention my previous 2 boyfriends, Jared and Matt (the first) very often then. I realize now how recently it had been since I’d ended my relationship with them and how I didn’t end those relationships properly before starting new ones. I still define myself very much by the relationships that I’ve had or am in. This blog proves it. I still talk about ex-boyfriends all the time in person too. I hate when I do that. I have a lot of growing left to do.

- Church: I wrote about events that happened at church in great detail. The callings I had, the nursery, the Young Women, the children I babysat, thoughts I’d had from the Sunday. I feel like I should do that more now.

- Blogging: Blogging was so new to me then and without much else to do, I spent all my time blogging. I wrote to explore the concept, trying to figure out who my audience was, what I should say, what I wanted my blog to be like. I read other blogs too. One of the blogs I read was called a “suicide diary” that I now am certain was all fiction, but at that time believed it was real (it was a really good read though, a novel published in installations but never completed – it’s gone now). I wrote “Amy” regularly and even wrote a poem for her in my blog. Writing in the blog was the biggest thing that had happened in my life and it made sense that I would write about that a lot.

- Vanity: Wow. I would blog about silly little details of things that I wore, talked about my tan how I did my hair and things like that. I don’t remember being quite so vain since. I still love to dress up every now and then, but am much more of a “see what’s clean enough to throw on in the 5 minutes that I have to prepare for work” person now. I remember when I was home, with the room to myself and with limited internet access, I would spend my time alone experimenting with makeup, clothes, hair curlers etc. A healthy teenage girl activity, I suppose. I also wrote a lot about my acne. A lot. It really was an issue then. I haven’t really had acne for over a year now. But yeah, John was the first guy to date a non-plagued-by-acne Faye. It puts things into perspective for me. I felt so grown up then, no different than I do now. But I really was only 19 (at least I had an excuse then), I still had parents I needed to obey (I had to be reminded over and over that I wasn’t American thus wasn’t an adult just because I was past 18) and acne to outgrow.

——————–I think that pretty much sums it up. One thing that I noticed was that I referred to myself a lot as “Fei” in my posts then. I haven’t called myself that in a long, long, long time now. It may not make too much sense if you don’t understand the relationship I have with my given name and my americanized version of it, but I think I love China because I get to be “Faye” here, wholly and completely. But also, that the fact that John never called me “Fei” shows the lack of a dimension to our relationship. I don’t like being called Fei except by current boyfriends and family. Those are the only people who I share all of myself with, I suppose. But the Fei vs. Faye dynamic is a whole separate blog of its own.Going back to read what I wrote is such a healthy thing to do. Also, it gives me better perspective on what I should be writing now. A couple of Sundays ago, I got to talk to Little Steve a little about my blog. He’d read it and I wanted to know what he thought. The conversation gave me a lot to think about, and I kind of missed the boat of blogging about those things since I can’t really remember they were now.

I remember he said that the first 2 thoughts that came to his mind were (I think)

1) how good a writer I was
2) how he could never be my boyfriend (due to the public nature of my life)

I think I’ll tackle the public nature of this blog in another post. As far as writing goes, I don’t feel like I write well, but how I write, the voice I use and what I say is something I really try to think about when I blog because I want to be able to express my thoughts and feelings clearly enough for others to understand and that the reader when reading can experience what I was at the time of writing. This sounds like writing for an audience, but if you remember that one of the most important readers of this blog is myself (however far ahead in the future), then you’ll understand that I am truly writing for me.

This blog is my representation of myself to me – and to whoever else reads. I learn so much about myself from this, and maybe one day, my children will too. If they can be bothered to read through all this crap, hah. I’m really glad I’ve kept a pretty good record of my life.

But for now, it’s time to stop writing and time to hop through the time machine and start reading through another month of posts. February 2004, here I come!!!

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…seventeen and taking the SPM, the final compulsory government exam in Malaysia which would determine which college/university I would go to. I was ill prepared and just ready for the entire thing to be over with so I could move on with my life, out of the all-girls school (in Malay) and into the world of dating LDS guys at BYU-Hawaii. While everyone was studying for the major exam, I was reading “The Idiot’s Guide to Psychology” getting excited about the subject and reaffirming my decision to study psychology in school.

I ended up getting 3 As plus some Bs and Cs in 7 subjects total in the test. You know what, I don’t remember the results. What we spent years working up to has had little to no effect on my life whatsoever and definitely has not defined who I am today. It’s so dumb that the first 17 years of your life revolves around taking tests that are in the long run, so very insignificant.

1 YEAR AGO I WAS …
…teaching English to adults, mostly university students (all older than I) at a small study center in Beijing
…deciding to stay in China at least through the summer so I could meet the guys that would come down for internships then.
…getting to know John. On our second date (which if wasn’t exactly a year ago, would be a week from now), he asked me out to ice skating. I tried to sabotage it by inviting friends. 2 showed up (Mahara and her Chinese friend Mars – what a name) and we later went to dinner with Isaac and Kurt at Outback. We then went out to Bar Blue to go dancing since John said he had friends planning to be there (don’t remember actually meeting them). Brooks came with us. Very strange setup now that I look back on it. I lost my cellphone (my RMB1000 CDMA Nokia, the only phone I’ve ever bought on my own) that night and had to give John my home number, afraid that he would never call me back and I would have no way of reaching him. I remember events in detail like that.

YESTERDAY I WAS …
…super encouraged by the good day we were having with Coco, our selective mute child at the international Montessori Kindergarten school where I teach.
…teaching a gym class to my 2.5-3.5 year olds where we warmed up, did summersaults and other fun stuff on mats then cooled down afterward. They loved it.
…interviewing 4-5 year old children one by one to test their English reading and speaking levels so I’d know how to divide them in groups for their reception class.
…attending a talk on the Montessori method by a Chinese professor trying to translate half the time and trying to understand the other half.
…saying goodbye to my visitors through text-messaging because I didn’t make it home in time.
…blogging so I could catch up now that I had time alone on the computer.
…thinking about how I used to stay in China because I had nowhere else to go, but how I am now staying in China because I have a job I love and want to keep doing for a while longer.
…crying myself to sleep because I’d suddenly remembered how nice it was when John was here and shared my cats with me.

5 MOST RECENT SONGS I’VE LISTENED TO:
How to Save a Life – The Fray
Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls
Why Don’t You Come Over – Garbage
In the Deep – Bird York
At Least We’re Dreaming – Eve 6

5 SONGS I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO:
The Wheels on the Bus
I Know that My Redeemer Lives
The Christmas Song
His Love
All Star

IDEAL PLACE FOR RUNNING AWAY TO:
Home to my computer, to iTunes and my earphones. And my cats.

5 THINGS I REALLY WANT:
To be ready and to find that companion I can keep for always
A puppy
For things in my family to work out well
To get really good at my job
To become debt free and have the financial freedom to travel

5 THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW:
Laundry
Buying toilet paper for my house
Taking a shower
Reading my scriptures
Sleeping

5 BIGGEST JOYS IN MY LIFE:
My cats
The single adults at church
My wonderful family
My children (at school)
Being able to blog about them

5 PEOPLE I TAG …
Jessamyn
Introspectre
John (no, you shall not have his blog link)
Brian
Jared

I expect to see a list like this on your blogs soon!!!

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1. To be a good mother – to raise children who will make great parents.
2. To feel like I’ve explored and worked at developing all my talents and potential – to have no regrets.
3. For my children to have the opportunity to explore all their interests and talents and develop their potential.
4. To live a life filled with adventure and never be afraid or tire of it
5. To pass on to my children (and their children) the legacy of the gospel, my testimony and love of the savior and his great atoning sacrifice and for them to know who they are.
6. For my family and my marriage to be my greatest source of happiness. And for it to be the same to them.
7. To be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.
8. To touch, inspire and change lives – in ways big or small.
9. To have a deep love and understanding of all of Heavenly Father’s children from various cultures, backgrounds and countries. And have my children be citizens of the world.
10. To have a home that is a refuge where love and peace can be found, where we are glued together by work, where the spirit dwells and where my family and I want to be.
11. To be one of those people with a glowing countenance
12. To be in a financial position to help to those in need
13. To have an eternal marriage that is a 3 way relationship between us and the Savior.
14. To have music and laughter in my family.
15. To never stop learning.
16. To be able to share everything with my husband and for him to always feel safe enought to share everything with me.
17. To be needed by my husband
18. To be married to a man who shares my capacity for joy and finds fulfillment in what he does.
19. For my children to recognize and appreciate their cultural heritage.
20. To have a spouse who prioritizes family and church service and is my greatest support – and to be that spouse.
21. To have an exciting and fulfulling sex life
22. To be good at every job that I do.
23. For my children to be best friends with each other
24. For my family to be my best friends
25. For my marriage to be the one my children and their friends want to emulate.
26. To always strive to improve myself and to have companionship in that quest.
27. To never lose my love for life and people (don’t ever want to become jaded and cynical)
28. To leave the world a little better a place
29. To be at peace with my standing before the Lord.

Well, 29 is a nice prime number, I guess I’ll end there. I’m sure there’s a lot more that I could write, but they all go along the theme of marriage, family and the gospel. Everything else is just extra.

I rememer that way early on, when I was about 10 or 11, I decided that the meaning of life was found in relationships. Relationships with friends, with family and with the Lord. I don’t think I really understood how deep that went and I’m only beginning to understand how profound that is now. But I can’t be more sure about that. At least I know that it is so true for me.

This list also has everything to do with my much longer and much more detailed list about the person I am looking for. This is serious business. The person I marry has to share my understanding about relationships being the most important and to have almost the exact same list. You see, this list defines the meaning of life for me; the source of my happiness.

So there will be no settling. No matter how comfortable a relationship and how wonderful a man.

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Name: Lady Macbeth or Lady for short.
Origin: Lady Macbeth is a character from Shakespear’s Macbeth. She’s famous for her line “Out, out damn spot!” (Yes, I said damn.) She was obsessive compulsive about washing her hands because of her guilt from murdering someone. Lady the cat is not a murderer (though she often has a guilty look on her face) but when we first brought her home, she would constantly lick her paws. We decided a famous OCD woman name was what we wanted for her. Lady Macbeth makes us sound smart or something. Plus Lady is a dainty name for a cat, y’know. It was only later when we found that she has a very appropriate faint little black spot on her right paw.

Loves:
1) Drinking from the sink faucet while I’m on the toilet. Actually, it was John that discovered that. He made me promise that I would turn it on for her after he left. She is unafraid of water. Doesn’t even flinch when squirted with a spray bottle and always pops her head through the shower curtain when I’m in the shower. Maybe after I give her a bath she’ll change her mind. Dunno.

2) Playing with my hair ties. If I leave them somewhere, they disappear because she picks them up with her claws and chases them round the house as if they could move on their own.

3) Clawing at and eating my hair. While it’s attached to my head. I don’t know how or when that started but it’s kind of dangerous. Sometimes when I’m bending over to talk to her she’s looking up at me and sudden claws at my face because she was facinated with my hair dangling in front of it. And then she sticks it in her mouth. I don’t know if she’s trying to clean me or actually trying to eat it. Whatever. It’s weird either way.

4) Sucking on my fingers. She’s addicted to it. She actually nurses on it. She would always like my fingers and such when I first got her, but about 2 weeks later, she figured out how to suck. She sticks her tongue out under my finger and just goes at it. Now most of the time when she comes looking for attention, that’s really what she is looking for. I could try to break that habit by never letting her do it ever, but since I don’t have to pay for braces or anything like that, I don’t see any real harm and let her every now and then. I like to think of it as our bonding thing. Keeps her needing me – and I need that.

Hates:
Getting her tail brushed. She used to detest brushing completely but now she stays mostly calm when being brushed until I get to her tail. One day after I get all the knots and tangles out, maybe it won’t be so bad.

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2) I need pictures. As some of you may know, my hard drive on that poor old rental computer in Hawaii crashed, just as I was leaving and wanted to back everything up. The only pictures I have left are the ones I blogged. That’s pretty good, but I know there’s more out there. Therefore, O ye alumni and current students of BYUH, if you have any pictures of cool stuff we did while I was present, I would kindly like a digital copy of those pictures. Pretty please? /me bats eyelashes.

3) Hi Isaac! Has anyone pulled a Faye (bait and switch) on you lately? I miss your phonecalls and yes, even Korean BBQ. I still haven’t fixed my iPod… Why do you keep stacks of 100RMB notes by your computer? And why do you freaking use windows in CHINESE?! (p.s. Where is Brooks’ blog? I can’t find it) I know I could email you, but this is so much more fun!

4) My boyfriend is an uber geek. I feel so inadequate. I just wish he’d come online in between shutting everything out for programming so I can talk to him more. I need more human interaction. Blah.

5) Yesterday was an eventful day.

- Went to see a dear girlfriend from highschool. It was like stepping into another world. Learning about how relationships work in Malaysia (I’ve never dated anyone from here), and also within her culture.

- It makes me furious how hitting women is tolerated and even accepted in certain cultures. I don’t care what you say. That is always wrong. You should never have to put up with that. There are so many better guys out there in the world. The ones who claim that it’s their right to treat you that way deserved to be castrated, run over by a semi 5 times, have every single last bit of hair on their body plucked off one by one, and then get locked away from society for good. Dead serious. They make me sick. But it makes me angrier when people put up with that. I’m disappointed.

- Indian food is hands down the best in the world! And it doesn’t matter how you make milo (chocolate malt drink by Nestle), the mamak stalls here always make the best ones.

- I must not know what drama is. I’ve never liked Bollywood movies because I find them absurd and completely removed from reality and couldn’t for the life of me imagine anyone being able to relate to them. Apparently, some people’s lives are exactly like that.

- I need to go to Dubai after 2010. I met my friend’s extremely hot but extremely shy Arab boyfriend and his housemate and got to have some good ESL conversations. Haven’t done that in a while. The culture intrigues me and I know so little. I have to visit.

- The taxies here are SO CHEAP compared to China! Too bad the trafic is horrible. Seriously. In Beijing, it’s 10RMB right off the bat for the first what, 2.5 km or so, and then 1.2 (if you’re lucky and get the cheap cab) or usually 1.6 for every subsequent kilometer. Here in KL, it’s RM2, or 4RMB for the first 2 kilometers and then RM0.10 per every 200meters, or RM0.50/km which is about 1RMB. Man, I took cabs TOO often in Beijing.

- The taxi driver on the way there was an Indian. I spoke to him in Malay. As I was exiting the taxi, he asked me where I was from. I thought he was going to say I spoke Malay weird, or that he could tell that I have an underlying American accent or something. I was all prepared to say that I had lived in the US and then China, but then he said (In Malay:) “Are you from Sabah?” Pause. Puzzled. Darn, I wasn’t prepared to answer that question “Oh, no, I’m from here, KL. Why?” “Oh. Why is your Malay so good?”

HAHAH! I still have my Malay accent! That’s rigtht biatch. I rock. YESSSSSSS!!!
- The taxi driver on the way home was Chinese. Spoke to me in Cantonese right off the bat. Well, I found out that my Cantonese sucks. I’ll start sentences and then trail off because I realize I don’t know how to complete it. Kind of like my Chinese was when I first went to Beijing. I eventually explained to him that I’d lived in Beijing for the last few months so my Cantonese wasn’t very good, but I could speak Mandarin – so he switched and I was very pleased to be able to speak Chinese again – and not be intimidated and feel that I suck at it. A lot of people here speak Chinese, but they have a very bad accent and butcher the pronounciation some. Now I have some funky Chinese accent that is non-Malaysian, but not Beijing at all either. I can’t do the tongue curl thing.

- I am relieved when I get to talk to Americans because I switch right back into American English. I was afraid of losing it because I speak primarily broken, pigeon-fied Malaysian English (Manglish) here. I think I will come out ok. Otherwise, I die o. Cannot lah. So cam one, if like that. Aiyo.

6) Had a brief conversation with ex-boyfriend Matt #1 over IM yesterday. We don’t keep in contact except for the sporadic 2-liner emails he sends me to see if I’m still alive and ok. Can you believe that we “met” nearly 6 years ago now? We’ve both matured a ton, and I can respond to him like an adult now. It’s good to know that I am still capable of some witty banter. Some. Not much. He still has some weird image of me in his mind that he’s still somewhat in love with. How does one hold on for so long? Weird.

7) We took the Christmas tree down today. That’s the worst day of the year. *sniffle*

8) Went to my Uncle’s for dinner today. Si Pek, meaning Fourth Uncle in Hokkien (Fujianese, or Taiwanese). He’s the funny uncle, with all the jokes and stories, cheek and humor. And cool german shephards. And photography runs in the family. He’s the son just above my dad so it’s interesting for me to watch their similarities (they look the most alike) and how they are different and how they relate to each other. Adult family relationships have always intrigued me. I’m getting to feel a little more of it now with my parents and sister and Han, but as a young child, it’s just all strange and weird.

Extended family is wonderful, I’ve concluded. We’re not real close like some families are, but there’s still a bond. We’re old friends and it’s comfortable to get together every now and then.

9) A good part of the conversation was centered around my aunt, who has been on a search for a religious path to follow. She humorously described the differences between Christianity and Buddhism – which she shuffles back and forth between. To them, we’re the Mormon family who don’t drink tea and coffee or gamble. I watched Mom and Dad try to answer some of the questions she raised. She really is searching.

It made me think. There are so many people out there who really are looking for the path to follow. I haven’t met too many of them simply because the people I know are either already LDS, or live within the community and are tired of people trying to convert them, or young and don’t care yet.

I’ve had to do my own soul-searching too. But it’s been different. For me, I first had to decide if I really believed the religion I was raised in. If it was true. Because the answer I got was affirmative, I’ve never had to search for a different way of life. I’ve always had it clear before me. The only struggles have been in aligning my life to it.

But listening to my aunt talk today really made me appreciate the importance of missionary work. I thought of all my Chinese friends in Beijing whom I love and want so very badly to bring to church (they’ve even asked!) – and know would accept the gospel in a heartbeat. Many of them are searching too, but I can’t share what I know with them. It’s frustrating.

And there are others who I can talk to, but whose hearts are not open to it.

There’s so much that our religion has to offer, but so few get past the crust to find out what we really teach. “No way man, you guys are weird. And there’s no way I’m giving up my coffee.” There’s so much more than the dos and don’ts in “Mormonism”. There is incredible depth in our teachings, so much truth. But sadly even some people within the church miss all that and get too caught up in the Mormon culture instead.

I thought of John during that conversation, of course. Atheist. Against organized religion. Completely different way of thinking. What the heck is he doing dating a Mormon girl.

At least he’s not anti-mormon in the way that Matt #1 was. Matt was Catholic, though, so there were at least some relgious/philosophical things that we’d sort of agreed on.

It’s really weird to be in a relationship where I am liked despite my religion and my devotion to it (or desire to be devout anyway) instead of for.

So of course I want to bring John to church, but I know he really doesn’t want to go, and it’s awkward, and I will just leave it at that.

It’s difficult to describe my desire to share this. I feel like I know so much and am blessed because of my knowledge. I can’t not want to let everyone I care about in on it as well. Joy is characterized by the overwhelming desire to share it. But people so often don’t want any part of it. It hurts a little sometimes.

On the bright side, these fundamental differences mean there are some things we can’t really talk about. That’s a barrier, and a barrier means that I will never get too attached. So I’m safe guarded.

Note to self: Remember to go back to my elementary school. There’s an English teacher I should have given a Book of Mormon to a decade ago.

10) I’ve thought alot about the last 2 posts I wrote. There may be some truth in that. But I think the real problem is a lot simpler. The main problem I’m facing isn’t that I’m bored with the relationship and need it to go somewhere or kill it. I’m not even actually seriously concerned that I’m dating a non-member or that I’m not dating seriously at the moment and that I won’t marry this guy. No. None of that. I care less about the future, but more about the present.
It’s that I’m just insecure.

I am used to relationships meaning that you move from flirting to crushing to liking each other a lot, to going on dates, to (in whichever order) kissing, becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, holding hands and then spending a TON of time together – because that’s all you want to do – falling more and more in like and then in love and somewhere in there, you start planning to find ways to spend your entire life (and eternity) with them. Or, you decide that it’s not really what you’re looking for, and eternity is definitely way too long, and there are better people to date – or it’s better to be single – and you break up.

See, Ally McBeal quote that applies to my life: “I don’t date. I only audition future husbands”

Well, I think for now, a serious relationship is NOT what I need. This is a perfect, low pressure situation, right?

My problem is, I’m used to loving and being loved. I can’t NOT look for it. I’m always on a quest for love. Within or without a relationship. I’ve never had a highschool relationship. I had guys that I liked then, but love was out of the picture, and so was exclusive dating. And kissing. And heaven-forbid, sex.

What I’m saying is if “I like you a lot”, “you’re fun to hang out with” is all we have to base our relationship on (and what, making out?) then why go exclusive? I mean, if you’re on the theme of being light and shallow and just having a good time, why not just be friends (with benefits?) who still flirt and go on fun dates?

Save the commitment for someone better. Someone you can give your whole heart and soul to. And your body. After marriage, of course.

No. I have no idea what going exclusive means anymore. Is it only to make those physical acts acceptable and kosher? Those physical acts that are supposed to carry meaning and affection anyway. How does real-world dating work again? Somebody please enlighten me!

Ok. So the conclusion is that I’m looking for love. And I’m confused because I feel like I should have it because they usually come attached with the relationship and the physical displays of well, what should be affection.

It’s the lust vs. love complex.

It’s that simple. See why you should always listen to your church leaders when they tell you to save your kisses? (The thing they don’t tell you is that kisses within a relationship are worse than NCMOs – non commital make-outs.)
And I have slight self-esteem issues that are not helping.

Issue: I doubt my lovability. I don’t doubt that I’m attractive and likeable. And I don’t say that to be boastful, but I say that because I work at it. I like being attractive. And not primarily physically. It’s flattering when you get their attention because of the way you look (and sue me, I like to look good too), but then I want people to stay attracted to me because of my personality. Because I’m outgoing, easy to talk to. Because I’m fun to be around. Because I’m refreshing. Because I think geeks are hot. Because I am intelligent. Because I’m unique. It’s important to me to be liked. And generally, I have a lot of friends and people who do like me.

But that’s all on the surface. There’s more to me than that. This girl runs deep. She has a lot of needs and insecurities and things that she thinks about – and blogs about.
Here’s a Faye-ism for ya: You like someone for their strengths, but you love them for their weaknesses.

I want those things that make me me, not just socially, but in private as well, endearing and I want someone to fall in love with me because of those things, not despite them. I like having a safe place to bare my soul.
Likewise, I want them to want my love. And I have a lot of it to give. This girl loves.
But here, another major problem I’m facing is that I really have no idea how John feels about me. And I’m someone that needs a fair bit of reassurance. Not constant, but occasional. I don’t like to play those “Do you love me? Is there another woman you might like more? See that girl over there, do you think she’s pretty” games. But sometimes, I might subconciously push him away to see if he really wants me. And that’s what I might be doing now to test the waters.

Usually, I gauge how much someone is into me by what they verbally express, what they blog (in true Faye’s relationship style), how much they want to spend time with me, how they treat me, how much they want to open their heart to me and (misguidedly) the physical expressions.

And because this relationship is so different from others, I’m confused and things are not adding up.

I need to get used to the concept of people needing space. Even though I know better, I always take that as “You’re annoying and unbearable or boring in large doses”. That’s what insecurity does to you, y’know.

John needs space. So did everyone of the other guys I dated I’m sure. That’s probably the real reason why all those relationships ended.
And me, I want to give it to him because I’m terrified of driving him away. But I still suck at it. And so my “how much time he wants to spend with me says how much he likes me” thing is skewed and therefore utterly useless.

Verbally, I haven’t gotten much. Personality difference maybe? I know he likes me enough to want to date me. And more than the other girl he was dating before. That’s flattering. But like I said, I’m looking for more. So, you’re attracted to me. Nice. And then…?
And he hasn’t opened up to me emotionally. I always feel like it’s me opening up and unloading. And I hate it.

I understand that some people are always a little more emotionally distant. But to me, a relationship is about being in a safe place. I drop my walls within them and it hurts a little when it feels like they don’t trust you enough to let you in theirs.

And physical affection, I get plenty.

So I’m confused.

How do I feel about him? I think I know, but a lot of times, those feelings are based on whether or not they are reciprocated. For example, you start liking someone because you feel that they like you. If they don’t, then even if you do like them a little, you don’t acknowledge it, don’t let yourself like them because it’s pointless and it leaves you being the weak one. Vulnerable.

So, I’m keeping whatever I feel behind this dam because I’m unsure of whether or not it’s welcome. I have to protect myself from getting hurt, y’know.

The problem is that I’m the only one who really analyzes and tears apart every single thing that I feel. John’s not quite aware of how he feels about me. And I’m trying to be patient as I give him time to figure it out.

But something in me wants to say, that’s not right. Either you feel something for me or you don’t. If you haven’t figured out that you’re really into me by now, then I don’t have that “magic” and you’re probably not. It’s not you, it’s me.

Whatever it is, I just want to figure this out before I go back to China because while there’s distance, and while I’m used to not seeing him everyday, a breakup would be much easier.

It’d be a lot easier at this point just to say “You know what, I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks now, and now that I’m used to it, it’d be pretty easy for me never to see you again in Beijing, since we don’t live or work in the same area, have mutual friends, and especially because you don’t go to church”

But that’s not what I want. So. Blah. Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait.

So little communication. Grrrrrrrr…. Again, it’s always me unloading and writing and writing and trying to talk.

Heh. This was supposed to be a simple thought. I guess I’m just not a simple person.

Could you love that?

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Nearly 2 years ago, there were a lot of issues I had to deal with. I wanted nothing more than to be back in college, instead I was home and constantly battling feelings of being trapped here. My younger sister was at BYU-Hawaii doing the things I wished I was doing. I had to deal with trying to keep away feelings of jealousy toward her. Because I wasn’t in school, I broke up with Mark who I’d been having a long distance relationship with for the previous 6 months. I had to deal with that (the blog was named “Faye’s Boyfriend Replacement” when it first began for that reason).

And then to add to it all, my parents’ marriage began to seriously fall apart. They finally announced to the family that they were separating and Dad would be moving out.

Those were some angst filled blogs.

Things eventually turned around completely. My parents were able to work things out, I was given the green light for college and was back in April for the Spring term. No more jealous older sister issues. I even got back with Mark, despite my swearing up and down that I wouldn’t let it happen. He left after 4 months in the summer, transfering from BYU-Hawaii to the University of Utah. Broke my heart, but it got better and while I would never admit it aloud then, even through all the crying, I knew it was for the better – and almost felt relief. The relationship wasn’t built on the right things, I knew he wasn’t “it”, but I fell in love with him anyway and wanted to marry him. I was settling. Leaving was the only way it could have ended.

But that episode wasn’t nearly as bad as my last little bit at home. I’d completely lost hope in my life. It was gone. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I haven’t hit a low that bad since. The closest I’ve come since was when I was denied that internship to China. I hit a brick wall after struggling to jump through hoop after hoop. I remember that was tough on Matt too. He even sent emails (unbeknownst to me at first) to my professors and other faculty involved asking them to reconsider. Well, I eventually made it to China and the rest is history.

Including Matt and I. All that drama, all those tears and prayers to try to be in the same place, but so very little when it ended. It all felt very weird. Dampened. It was like being in a sound-proof room. You scream, but it’s not loud like it’s supposed to be. You want it to echo and wake everyone, anyone – but and the walls absorb the noise instead and your ears ring from the lack of sound.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m completely over it. There’s something I seem to still be holding on to here. I wish I knew what it was so I could let it go.

It’s interesting to see how things pan out. Things that are so super important and dictate how you live and have so much influence on your emotional state can suddenly – *POOF* – disappear from the picture, only to leave you dealing the emptiness and groping for meaning and purpose afterward.

So I don’t have much on my plate now. I should be grateful. People call it peace, I call it uncomfortable silence. All I have had to think about all day was about being home, my feelings about it this time around, my reluctance to leave, how things will be different soon. And of course, the relationship I’m in.

Su left for BYU again today. I felt like it should have been a big deal. The last time she left was 2 years ago. It may be another 2 years or more before we see her again. But there was no crying, no big dramatic goodbye. That’s how it was when I left for home again after visiting. This wasn’t home anymore. I was anxious to get back to the life I’d left behind. I wonder how it will be when I leave. For some reason, I’ve gotten very attached to home this time around. Could it be because I don’t feel like I have too much waiting for me in China right now? I don’t know what it is. I don’t really feel like I have friends here besides my family. My whole attitude towards Malaysia is pretty much that there’s nothing much for me here besides family. Because I now live in China and have a pretty good income, I know home is much more within reach so leaving will probably be small scale “See you later” esk.

My thoughts don’t quite connect right now. But I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what I’m feeling about home and family and why. I haven’t quite got it yet. Maybe it will make sense later.

The other half. The relationship.
Hmm.

As I rode in the car to and from the airport today, I listened to the music that was playing on the radio (today has been a music day for me). It was Mom and Dad’s station “light and easy”, the one that plays all the oldies and ballads. I haven’t listened to stuff like that in a long time. I’ve kind of been stuck on some combination of rock, alternative and punk with just a little bit of pop lately.

I remember listening to a ton of ballads. The sappy ones but not in a high-school chick-flick kind of way. The serious, “I’m so in love it hurts” type of lyrics. Listening to a little bit of that again brought me back. It’s no wonder I recall all of my previous relationships being so intense emotionally. Dramaful. It’s the hopeless romantic Faye, the one who wants her life to be a movie, or listens to music inspired by heartache and wishes she could feel a little of that in her life. I’ve expressed it before – I want my life to be made up of those things that make music and movies like that.

For some reason though, I’ve lost a little of that. Have I become jaded? Do I not believe in movie-script relationships anymore? Is this a good thing or a bad thing anyway? Have I lost my ability to feel? Will I ever experience anything that intense again or will it just be normal, default “We met each other in college and we got married and started having kids” for me?

I guess it’s obvious that I’m a little disappointed at how quietly the last relationship went down. Even more disappointed at what little this current one can promise.

I just wish that I didn’t want everything to have to be so intense. I don’t like being a drama queen. This blog is kind of skewed in a sense because while it seems like everything is a big drama with me on here, in person, it often seems like there is none ever going on. Call me Asian, or normal, but I guess outside of writing, and secretly wanting everyone to really know what’s going on with me, I’m a pretty private person. I don’t look for people to unload on. Why? I have a blog. I’m usually really happy and like to keep my friendships light i.e. I will gladly listen to you pour your heart out, but I get self-concious about turning my personal issues into the focus of discussion. If I do, it’d be a brief mention and I’d quickly change the subject. I only pass those mournful moments alone.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not a drama queen. It goes deep to the core in the way I perceive the world. My own world, anyway. I can roll eyes and snicker when someone else is making a big deal out of nothing, but my life, my life is a movie with background music to suit the mood and camera angles and color tints and characters whom you fall in love with that say lines that make you wish it was you in it. And it’s so good it makes you cry.

That’s how I see my world.

And right now, it’s very un-movie so I feel like I’m missing something.

I don’t really know where I was going with this blog. I just had to think, write and feel. A lot of this still doesn’t make sense and maybe there won’t ever be a conclusion. But I better end this now before I breakup with someone through a blog post.

No. That would just be trying to create drama. Not curb it.

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But yesterday, Han and Shuan, the 2 older boys got home from their band trip to Taiwan and now the house seems to be buzzing doubly with excitement. All the 3 desktops in the living room are put to full use, jazz and band music blaring from the sound system, deep voices I can’t tell apart, a full table at dinner and less leftovers. Ahhhh.

It’s good to be home.

Except that Han and Shuan are now either my height or taller, I really feel as though I never left.

Being here gives me a new perspective. I think about some of the single adults that have become my friends because they went “home” to China where their families are. I was constantly going out and doing things with the other singles, having a complete blast, and I couldn’t understand how some of them weren’t bored out of their minds staying home with their families out in BFE (i.e. Shunyi, mini America in the outskirts of Beijing) and hardly ever coming out to join the rest of us in town.

Well, now that I’m in their shoes, I think I understand. I’d spent some time with the local singles. They’re an awesome group. Many of them were my YSA hangout group during my last break from college. Others, I hung out with pre-college. Many are new to me, and even more I keep feeling should still be in Young Men’s or Young Women’s or hanging out with my brothers instead. I had fun with them at the Christmas party, despite my initially feeling like a stranger in the crowd. I’ll probably go out with them a couple of times more while I’m home. But while I’m here, home is where I belong. I don’t need to see anyone else or go anywhere and I’d be perfectly happy.

I remember now why hanging out with friends never was that important to me while growing up. I’ve got things to do and people I love around me to do them with right here.

While in China, I was constantly trying to leave the house to see people and do things, all I want to do here is stay home. Home.

We took a big trip to the movies tonight. All 8 of us managed to get ourselves to the theater (the midnight show) – before the movie started – to watch Narnia. It was a really good movie. I especially enjoyed it because I was a huge fan of the books in my bookworm days. Nearly 10 years ago now.

I got to sit next to Ray in the movie (we rationed our popcorn consumption so well, we had popcorn left even AFTER the movie!) and at points cuddled up a little when either of us got cold. I thought about how I usually do that with a boyfriend, but how nice it was just to do it with my cute little brother. I’m so glad that he hasn’t outgrown affection yet. Or toys. Home won’t be quite the same without children in it. It’d lose its magic.

Mom said that grandchildren are next. Huh.

On the ride home from the theatre, I sat in the car with Ray falling asleep in my lap and thought about how much I don’t want to go back to the “real world” I left behind in China anymore. Funny that I think that now after spending the last week wondering how soon I could get back without hurting anyone’s feelings here.

I caught myself though. Single life in China, while adult-esk (I’m dropping ish, esk is in now!) and independant, isn’t exactly “real”. It’s void of family.

When I first came home, I was stuck in individual mode. That’s what happens when you’re single. You get so used to not having other people to worry about. The things you have start to get more important. You do what you want, when you want. You eat whatever you want whenever you like and only hangout with the friends you choose to. It’s all about me, me, ME.

Sometime in the last week, I remember trying to figure out how parents could be content with family life. Children are such a burden, could they really be their ultimate source of joy? Don’t parents feel trapped? How can Mom and Dad survive spending most of their leisure time with family and so much less with friends of their own?

I think it clicked today. I get it now. It’s good to recall how much family has always meant to me. I remember as a child and even in my teen years, the concept that would always get me choked up in church was that of eternal families. It was so huge, so important. Because then, family was everything to me.

Somehow in trying to prevent homesickness, I’d let family slip into the background and I’d forgotten.

From the outside, it makes no sense. Let’s see. You have a family, they take up all your time and all your money. You’re tied down to them. You have obligations, people you have to care about and take care of. You have to do things with them, do things for them.

How on earth could that possibly make you happier than a single life in which you can afford a nice house that doesn’t have screaming and fighting kids, and the freedom to move around and do whatever you’d like with your life?

That’s what the world tells us.

But instead of taking up all your time and money, what family really does is gives you someone to share your time and money with. Instead of tying you down, it keeps you grounded and anchored. I’d been having some sort of identity crisis lately, trying to figure out who I am. You know, you’re so much less lost when you have a family as context.

Obligations. People to care for and about are also people to care about and for you. And seriously, just having people to love and serve is a real blessing. It makes no sense in this hedonistic world. But I really have been able to see where selflessness makes me happier.

I know. Newsflash, right? People have already figured this out everywhere, and I’ve always understood it and accepted it as truth. But I’d forgotten about how family is the ultimate center of alturism and rediscovering this – really getting it again – is a big deal to me. And I need to write it down. Lest I forget.

I’m still not very good at this selflessness thing. I still have the desire to live based on my whims and fancies but I hope that I never become too worldly to want to surround myself with family.

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I’m close to my 2nd aniversary of blogging. Not very long compared to some bloggers out there, I know. When I started my blog, I was home here in Malaysia. Wow. Has it really been that long ago?

I write about different things now, if I do write at all. I like to think that I’m a little less vain. Some things never change though… who knows. I know my increased readership has made me a little less honest. I think that needs to change. I don’t know. What do you say and what do you not say when the people in your life rea d what you write? Someone gets hurt every time.

Anyway, looking through old posts and old pictures are so fun. All the 500 pictures of Mark. Man, I used to be so into him. He really broke my heart when he left, but how completely over it I am. I remember thinking I never would get over it. Then, my 20th birthday. That was a huge surprise. Skip ahead to the slippers Jolley bought me. It made me cry remembering how much that meant. In some ways I really miss being poor.

Looking at those pictures and looking back made me realize just how loved I am. Everywhere I go, I am loved. I know I like attention, and I do a lot to get the spotlight, to be the center. This is why blogging works for me. It’s all about me, me, me. But ego-centrism aside, I am really blessed. Really.

I’ve thought about why. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could take credit for it? “I am just awesome therefore no matter where I go, people love the darling little Faye and therefore the whole world always revolves around her”

But that’s not it. Is it all in my head? I just think that people love me when people are complaining about me behind my back?

I like to think that isn’t it either. I do want to be lovable. And in my need for approval, I know I do try too hard to get it sometimes. (Hah, just look at me, I think that by acknowledging weakness, it makes having them ok) What really is it, though, I think, is that I’ve loved the people around me so much.

Now that I’m away from China and have taken a step back to look at my life, I realize how much each of my friends there mean to mean. Likewise with friends from BYU-Hawaii, and the ones I made here in my 10 months between college. I don’t keep in very good contact with them when I leave, but if you understand how little how I talk to my family, you can’t get upset.

People always have the tendency to cut and paste their outlook into other people’s personalities. For example, people who are honest are often trusting, and those who are dihonest are always afraid of getting cheated.

I like to think of myself as a genuine person, and maybe that’s a form of rose colored glasses that helps magnify all the love and good intentions of the people around me.

Now that I’m home though, I realize that it doesn’t matter if everyone else in the world doesn’t really care for Faye that much, I have an amazing family. That’s where I learned to love in the first place and I can’t take any credit for that.

I just need to remember to always be grateful.

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Being Chinese, the way names have worked for me are very different. Last name first, and a two-syllable first name, made out of 2 Chinese charaters. In my family, we share one of those characters with our sibblings/cousins. I share Min with my sister. My brothers share a “Woon” with all the male cousins, born to my uncles on Dad’s side of the family. My one aunt with children gave all her sons her maiden name (my last name) as their shared character/middle name. I thought that was pretty awesome.

In my family, we weren’t given English names. Not normal ones anyway. Just Chinese names that sound like English ones. Fei, Su, Han, Shuan (reversed on purpose – he hates it when people call him “Shaun”), Ernie, Ray. Fei Min, Su Min, Woon Han, Woon Shuan, Woon Ern, Woon Ray – all have Chinese meanings.

So far, there hasn’t been a real tradition of naming us after our ancestors or other family members. I happen to have a great-great – grand uncle or something with the name ‘Ah Fei’ but I pray nightly that I wasn’t named after him. Don’t get me wrong – he was a great guy, but he was still a guy.

Jolley (my old roommate) and I were having girly talk today (I love Sundays because of it) and we mentioned how we both have our kids names picked out. I speculated briefly on how your children’s names change with every relationship you’re in and it’s interesting to see the different paths you could take.

I expect that my children will only be half Chinese. They will have a white American last name. Right now, it’s looking like Smith. Possibly the worst last name ever, no offense, but I’m not used to having a common last name is all. I’ve gotten teased about having the last name Smith even before I started dating one. It’s just the generic American last name that they used to tease me about my dating habits.

Matthew and I have half-joked about hyphenating our last names, but they don’t blend very well. It’s still up in the air, but I doubt I will change my last name, and he might change his to mine. *grin*

Our poor children.

I think my children will need Chinese names. It’s an important part of my heritage (in fact, all of it) and it should be a part of them too. Regardless of whom I marry, I’m seriously considering naming them after family members. I’m not a big fan of recycling names, but I do see the honor and meaning behind naming someone after someone else in the family. What I would like, is for my daughters (assuming I have any) to have my sister’s first name Suç´ for middle names. A nice example could be ç´ æ?© (an English-fied version of this name is Su Ann, possibly one of the most common Chinese/English names ever) which would be a nice combination of Su and Ernie’s names, meaning simple good deed. The fact that it’s appealing to me

Another possibility I’ve been debating is to use my mother’s first name instead. My mother’s Chinese name is 玉莉, a literal translation would be “Jade Jasmine”. The jade part written in English is difficult for many to pronounce and I don’t find it beautiful sounding, but the Jasmine part “Lee” is. In fact, when I was about 10-11 and thinking of names for my daughters, I considered giving them the shared middle name 丽 (a homonym to my mothers name, although I didn’t have my mother in mind then) meaning Beautiful. So, I could either do ç´ èŽ‰, Su Lee or 莉æ?©, LeAnn? Lots of combinations.

I haven’t put as careful thought into boy names. My Dad’s first name ç¦? means “Good Fortune”, and he’s been wanting to give one of my brothers his name. Unfortunately, it is spelled “Fu”, and is a homonym for bitter/suffering in Cantonese, and sounds like “Fool” in English. I’m not sure I know how to incorporate that.

I don’t actually remember what my grandparents’ names are. I know my paternal grandfather’s name in English, but am in no hurry to name my child “Chong Toong Choong” anytime soon. Something I will probably look into is the chinese characters and meanings behind their names. The phonetic spelling usually isn’t too strange sounding as long as it is in Mandarin and not some weird dialect I don’t speak.

So, all my children will have Chinese names. That may make their name 4-5 words long. Great. Nisi, my last roommate told me that people in Niue have 7 names so my kids better be grateful!

Other rules. One of my children will have a Polynesian name. Both Matthew and I love the name “Moana”. It means ocean, and is the name of the street that he stayed at when he came here. One of the Moanas I am in close contact with, I absolutely adore. She happens to be the Moana from the Wolfgramm family a.k.a. “The Jets”. Her husband is one of the counselors in my ward. Only good things for that name.

Other names I love. Charlotte has always been favorite, because it sounds so regal to me and Charlotte Bronte was my favorite author all through highschool. The only drawback I’ve had with that is that I found out recently that it is a little more common than I thought it was, in England, probably. And the thought of a beautiful name like that being shortened to “Charlie” or “Lottie” is repulsive. Perhaps I will go with “Carlotta” instead. But I’m not sure I like the sound of “Car” in my child’s name. She will get teased.

When I was about 10, I decided that the girl’s names I liked have tte, nne, lle at the ends. I also love the letter y and names that begin with Br. My childhood boyfriend’s name was Brian. I thought I invented the feminized version “Brianne/Bryanne/Bryanna/Brianna” but to my dismay found out that it had already been discovered by the hicks.

I had a passion for feminizing names back then (for girl/boy twins), and making up names ending with “anne” or “lynne”. I thought I invented Danielle, Christianne etc. Then Ever After came out, and all my friends discovered the name. It was no longer special to me. Just as I was set on naming my child Brittanny until Britney Spears ruined it.

I really liked the name Michelle and Yvonne, but apparently so does the rest of the Chinese population in Malaysia. Yvette, however, is still not taken. But I’m not sure that I even know how to pronounce that.

I really, really liked the name Janet when growing up. I named one of my prettiest dolls Janet, and she was to be my favorite, except that something happened and I think her neck tore the day I got her or something like that (my memory is faulty) and was forever trying to replace her. I thought of fancying it up to Janette. I still like the idea, but all these girly fancifying of names just gets tacky after a while.

Other names I have loved and wanted to use. Brooklynne (Jared has neices named both Danielle and Brooklynne, I despise his sisters now!), Bridgette, April (I once had a crazy idea to name my children after the month the were born. Don’t worry, I’m not as crazy anymore. I’ve always loved the name Emma and Martha. Then there was the spice girl and Martha Stewart. Thanks for ruining it, ladies.

I had thought about naming a daughter Emma Lee before (like Emily, but not) only to find that the first boyfriend I had over here had a sister with the name. Blah. But to name my daughters Charlotte, Emily and Anne after the Bronte sisters would be cool.

Wow. All girls names. I must be a girl. My favorite boy names have been Philip (after Prince Philip of sleeping Beauty, only the handsomest prince ever), Andrew (Andy/Drew are awesome names), Bryan/Ryan (for reasons mentioned before, and Matthew.

Well. Matthew is my boyfriend. His brothers names are Philip and Andrew. There goes that. Besides, I like Philip, but I don’t like Phil so much. No offense to anyone.

I am pleased that Matthew likes the name Bryant – and that it runs in his family. It is a keeper. Until I find out that a million other people have that name.

Unfortunately, he loves the names Norman and Douglas and I must show respect for them because they are the names of his grandfather (his hero) and his father. If it wasn’t for that, those were actually names on the bottom of the pile. Right down there with Henry, Edward or Edwin – names that I find stuffy and old.

Fortunately, he is planning for them to be middle names. Not so fortunately, Addison is a first name he is considering, after Addison Pratt, the author of the book he just finished reading and loved who is an ancestor. There’s not enough room for them to have Chinese names!!!!

We have thought of turning last names into first names, as is the trend now with the prophets like “McKay” or “Hunter”. We agreed on the name “Lane” after his father’s late best friend, and a professor we both had in 2 different schools (Bishop Lane).

Really like the name Hyrum. And Joseph. But not Joe.

What a waste of a post.

Felicity.

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2 ) Digital camera

Still haven’t got one yet. Remember: SLR – any kind, I’m not picky. Besides, I don’t know anything about cameras. A crappy digital camera is better than none at all. If not, some video features (+audio) would be nice. I am not too picky about megapixels, since I don’t usually notice, but I think if you go TOO low I will. I especially like cameras with adjustable presets for portrait, landscape, sports, night time etc. They come in handy!

3) WEB HOSTING!!!

Less urgency for it now, since 5gigs is doing fine, but yeah. Who doesn’t want some good hosting? Remember, I already have a domain. You don’t have to spend more than $4 a month.

4) Outburst and/or Catchphrase

Offer still stands. It’s going to be a long Summer – gotta spend it somehow!

5) Teen Girl Squad Hoodie

Or a BYUH hoodie. Or ANY hoodie. I don’t have a hoodie. I need more sweater-like thingies. Teen girl squad would be my top choice, of course, but I’ll be pleased with anything else.

6) Chinese-English, English-Chinese dictionary

Yay! Mom and Dad got me one. It’s PERFECT! And they left the price tag on it. Hehe.

7) Contact Lenses

Mom got me 3 moths worth. Which means I’m taken care of for oh, about the next year or so…!!! I’ve never been so happy to receive things I need for my birthday in my entire life!

8) Underwear

Yeah! Again, Mom got me somemore. She is da bomb. Free laundry extension for another week! Yippee! (ok, so maybe not THAT long, but it’s finals week and I was just running out. I am very relieved.

9) Watch

Bye bye Krusty the Clown! Now I have a really classy looking Gucci rip-off. Diamond encrusted, even. And rectangle too. I love rectangle watches. Oh yeah, baby! No longer do I have any excuses to be late. Crap.

10) Body pillow

I still need a sleeping buddy. And now that I’m not going to China, that’s a very practical gift.

11) External DVD-rom / CD-RW drive

Thanks to Scott, my CD burning woes have been remedied. I think I am sufficiently happy.

12) Computer speakers!!!

Still listening to music from the internal speakers. Or trying to anyway.

13) Syberia for PC

Pirated version, anyone, anyone?

12) Head/earphones

Cheap and useful. My kind of gift.

14) Laptop Computer

There’s still time for me to get 2 today. Get working!

14)Picture of Christ or Temple for my room

That’s right. I’m 21 now. I have to be righteous.

15) Sheets

Seeing that I won’t be getting married soon, single fitted sheets will come in handy for a good while here in the dorms.

Still in need of

1) trip to the orthodontist to replace the bracket I ate

2) Someone to take my finals and write my papers for me

The extras

1) Clothes

2) Shoes

3) Earrings

4) Makeup

still apply. See original wishlist for more info.

And of course, you’re always welcome to

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