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when I have the desire and openness to experience more, these things tend to find me. The timing just fills me with awe every time.

I feel as though all the skills and talents that I have developed to this point have been carefully planned out over the course of my entire life. It’s as though every little thing I experience is just one preparatory step after another, leading to increased opportunities to learn, discover, magnify and serve. With all the things I am learning now, can’t help but wonder how I will be put to use in the future.

I have always been grateful for the gospel – for the knowledge and insight, clarity and direction it provides me. It is the foundation of my happiness. However, at this time, I’d like to write about how I am so thoroughly grateful for the Church. It has been so integral to my personal growth.

I look back at so many of the skills I have that are valuable to me, and I can accredit them to the organization and the opportunities it provided me to serve. I learned public speaking through bearing my testimony then giving talks from a very young age. I started having to play the piano for church from the time I was 11 – the church gave me opportunities to put this skill to use, without which I would not have developed it to the point it is today. My first dance classes (and opportunities to discover my love for dancing) were from youth activities. At church, I was given countless opportunities to be a leader – opportunities I never got at school. At 17, I was called to be the nursery leader. It taught me how to interact with and manage young children, which years later, let to me landing the most wonderful job ever in a preschool in Beijing. The job I had for nearly 4 years blessed my life so much, and added immensely to my skill set, particularly in working with children, a skill I will never run out of opportunities to use. I discovered my love of teaching through church callings. I cannot tell you how much of a gift that has been in my life. I love teaching like an athlete loves sports. I can do it all day every day for fun. It is a talent I hope I can continue to refine.

Today, I continue to be amazed at how much I am growing because of these opportunities to serve that are placed in my path. I am discovering talents that I didn’t even know I had.

What I am trying to express is simply that at this point in my life, I see very clearly how everything I have experienced has been expressly placed in my life for me and for my growth, to bless me and, if I use them right, to bless those around me.

I feel like my life is a curriculum tailored just for me. I am so grateful for this incredibly beautiful plan that is so detailed, intricate and absolutely perfect.

I can’t wait to continue to discvoer what He has in store for me.

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growth and identity seeking for me. I loved all I was learning at college and really wanted to be an Intellectual Mormon woman with interesting questions, an open and inquiring mind, and the ability to debate, or at least to have interesting insights and viewpoints that I could support with clarity and logic. These women seemed to have what I wanted. At the time, I was also especially interested in gender issues, and did a few papers in my psychology classes on gender differences and homosexuality (it hadn’t been quite so popular to talk about then as it is today). I wanted to establish myself as someone who thinks differently from the rest of my Mormon counterparts.

I began to regard myself as a feminist, or at least a feminist wannabe, so much so that I even added “must be a feminist” to my ridiculous list of qualities for a future husband. My identity as a woman does define me in many ways, so of course I want what’s best for all women out there. I’ve also always had a stubborn independent streak, and rebelled against everything that made me look weaker and inferior to the opposite sex. Once, when I was a teenager, one young man called me a “female chauvinist”. I don’t blame him. Back then, I was always out to prove that as a woman, I was *better* than men! Even well into college, I held on to that pride. I did not like men offering to help with my heavy bags (what, are you implying that I’m weak?!) or even opening doors for me. In one relationship, I raced my boyfriend to the car every time so I could open the door myself, thank you very much. I also preferred going dutch to having my meals paid for. I bit another boyfriend’s head off once because he tried to pay for a meal for me – not on a date or anything, just when we were out at the mall with a group of friends. I was offended. You think I’m poor?! Yeah. My attitude got me into trouble. And ultimately, while those were great men, the kind of guy girls are taught to look for, I put myself in a position where I was better than they were, and didn’t leave much room to respect them.

We complain that chivalry is dead, and yet we are out on a mission to kill it.

The Turn

It wasn’t till a few years later that I realized that:
1) It was unattractive and scared guys away
2) I was being unappreciative and disrespectful toward these genuine gestures of kindness.

I learned that was the men’s way of trying to interact with me, and I needed to allow them some room. It wasn’t meant to be an insult. These men knew that I wasn’t weak, they didn’t disrespect me because I am female. Their offer to help was actually meant to be a sign of respect. And lets face it, gender differences are such that most of the men I know are physically stronger than I am. So, if I have my hands full, why turn down a genuine offer to help? Besides, these offers sometimes come from women too! I took a step back, learned to say thank you, and accept help in places where they would really have been helpful without making it a game of women vs. men.

Ultimately, (and I would add fortunately for me) my boy-craziness and love of relationships won out above all else, and my “man dissing” didn’t hinder me from having real relationships. I’ve never had any trouble needing a man emotionally, and yes, being completely honest, I’ve always wanted a bigger and stronger (and smarter) man who can protect me and provide for me. Isn’t that attraction evolutionary? Which female honestly wants an equal who is their exact same height and will pay for exactly half the bills?

As I’ve gotten older, and as my experience being within relationships has increased, I’ve learned that I actually really quite like stereotypical gender roles. I don’t feel confined by them – quite the opposite, I find it very natural, and somewhat liberating. I feel much more in tune with my identity – and strengths – as a woman in that capacity.

Still, I continued to hold on to the idea for a long time that I was a feminist, just a different kind. In my mind, I was a feminist because I am a woman, I care about women, and I want what’s best for women everywhere. We can do great things – in the home, in society, in organizations etc. I completely support women having the options we enjoy, and I am grateful for the change that has brought us here. However, I’ve recently become very aware that whatever my views on women are, “Mormon feminist” is not quite the appropriate label. For so many others in that category, it entails caring for a whole lot of other issues that really don’t define me.

My “Aha” Moment

Ironically, the “aha” moment for me in realizing how almost anti-feministic I was, was an article on By Common Consent titled “When Did You First Become a Mormon Feminist“.

They shared a letter supposedly written by some girl a long time ago to her future husband. Apparently, versions of this has been passed around to the young women at church for years, as a way to teach certain values about marriage and womanhood.

I want to be a woman – your woman. I want to be attractive to stand tall and straight to look clean and neat, and sweet, so that you can take pleasure in looking at me and pride in being with me.

I want to be kind and gentle and patient so as to listen to your heart’s trouble and to understand. I want to be wise and good and serene so that I can help you when things get sort of mixed up.

I want to be weak enough to cry on your shoulder and to have you boss me now and then – and feminine enough to have you do things for me like carrying something heavy, or opening a jar, or even the door.

But I also want to be strong enough to bear your children and to rear them strong and healthy. I want to be full of fun and laughter and gaiety so that we can always be filled with warmth and hope, not dull and dingy.

I want to do little things that please you, like cooking somehting special or keeping the house fresh and new or even bring your slippers after supper or just being quiet and holding hands and sitting close to you when you’re out of sorts at the end of a hard day.

I want to know about the things you know about in politcs and business and money matters so that we can talk together and share ideas so that our minds can form some kind of union. But I never want to know quite as much as you, and I want to share your other interests in sports, reading, gardening, or whatever you want to do. And I want to be a part of you dreams, and help them become reality.

Because I want to be with you during these moments is perhaps the reason why most of all I want to share a common faith with you, so that we can worship God together and take, not send, our children to Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting and always have Christ’s presence in our home with us. We bless our meals whether hash or sirloin, and bless and guide every phase of our married life.

And finally, I want to be warm and soft and tender and affectionate and responsive, so that you will desire me.

This my Dear, is the woman I hope to become – no, the woman I shall become for you.

Oh, how this letter was made fun of by the author of the article on BCC, and what an outraged it caused in the Mormon feminist community.

Huh.

Well, I realized then, just how differently I felt. My response was simply that I could have written that letter – and I am very much that kind of wife today. I showed it to my husband, and he said, “Wow, I would really love to be married to a girl like that.” Hehehe.

What is the big deal about letting the guy have his own area of expertise that you keep up with but don’t surpass him in? What’s so wrong about making the home and things that are tender and gentle in nature your domain? It doesn’t make you stupid. Why do we make fun of acts of service like cooking, cleaning and fetching slippers? It’s not demeaning – it’s nice!!!

If more women today could learn to be as in touch with their feminine side as the woman in the letter, willing to do things to please and attract the opposite sex, then I wouldn’t need to be running a relationship blog targeted at single women in their 30s. (I won’t go too much into how I think feminism has screwed up dating and marriage for the world, that deserves its own website.)

Now, I know this isn’t what every woman aspires to be, and that’s fine. I am not going to prescribe it for every woman in the world (though I might for most). I am all for people being able to do what they are best at and to pursue paths that lead to ultimate fulfillment. But why does a group parading for equality and freedom for females make fun of this woman’s choice of lifestyle?

Why doesn’t feminism – a word centered around women – celebrate women’s roles? Why does it instead aspire for women to become like men?

Also, on these blogs by LDS women, why do comments reflecting the church’s conservative stance on their favorite issues always get a thumbs down? Why is someone who chooses to follow the orthodoxy rejected and looked upon as closed minded, ignorant, too simple and unquestioning, and part of the unenlightened homogeny? Why do they relate more with dissenters/ex-Mormons than they do with members of the church who have absolutely no problem with its policies and teachings?

Hot Button Issues on The Bloggernacle

Ultimately, I have come to realize that I don’t agree with the premise in which their liberalism and “feminism” is based. And make no mistake, what it is based on, is anger.

Anger about the church’s stance on Prop 8, anger about women not having the priesthood, anger about having absolutely no information on Heavenly Mother – because, as a feminist, of course you’ll have a need for female deity.

There is a lot of bitterness, or at least the inability to let go, that characterizes all this crusading.

I understand that not everybody is able to be ok with everything within the church. I don’t expect anyone to be blind: it’s not a perfect organization. It is led by God, but run by men. We don’t have perfect information. People in the church say stupid things, there are things that are not quite fair yet, and there are things that we won’t be able to understand for a long, long time. It’s perfectly ok, to be aware of those imperfections in God’s organization, but can we not be accepting as well?

Look, I would like to have the Priesthood myself – and I really think that it could be a possibility for women in the future. Oh, don’t I wish I knew a thing or two about Heavenly Mother. But I don’t agree with choosing to make an issue of it so much that it becomes a label, “feminist”, and an intricate part of how you define yourself. I don’t feel oppressed – why do you choose to feel that way? All that complaining is not going to have any influence on church policy. It’s only going to make you constantly feel like a victim and it will eat you alive.

Conclusion

In many ways, I still want to be cool, separate from the homogeny, open minded, a crusader, have out-of-the-box insights on issues, and be respected for my intellect and ability to defend my position. But I can do that in my own domain, with my own hot-button issues. I am intelligent, I am strong willed and opinionated, but I am not feminist.

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to find a way to make it happen, both within myself and in the world we live in. I’ve always felt like I was meant for BIG things, but I’m still trying to figure out what that is exactly. I have handful of talents I am well aware of, I just have to figure out what I can/need to do with them.

One day, I’ll figure out my place in all of this. For now, I’ll just keep doing my best at the little things I am good at in my little corner of the world. I’ll simply focus on making my life count.

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the gospel are not exempt. We get caught up in the nitty gritty things that only lead to more stress unhappiness and neglect the simple beautiful things that if we treasure and are grateful for, will lead to the kind of bosom swelling joy I imagine when I think of the celestial kingdom.

When I think about the blessings that I have been given and the joy that I have been blessed to experience in this life, I recognize that all of it comes from Heavenly Father. At the same time, however, Heavenly Father never blesses me with a straight up “zap” of feelings of joy and happiness in my heart. My good choices allows him to continue to bless me with opportunities to experience positive things. The joy that I experience, however, comes from me.

He’s blessed me with the opportunity to meet and marry a wonderful man. I could take my marriage, and do all the things that lead to joy and happiness within it, or I can really squander it and make my marriage a living hell – there are moments when I have done that to myself!

I could take the time and talents, good health and strength I’ve been given and devote it to serving others and develop my potential to its fullest, or I could simply be bored and lonely. If I am blessed with the ability to have children, I could find immeasurable joy in motherhood, or I could either squander the opportunity to bear children altogether or have them anyway but squander the moments I have with them.

Experiencing happiness is a choice.

Mortality for us is all about the opportunity we’ve been given to be here to *choose* the experiences that would lead to happiness. “Adam fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy.”

In the next life, with the conditions of mortality removed and Satan neatly squared away, our earthly sorrows will no longer hinder our journey to happiness. The only thing that can and will, will be ourselves. Just as he blesses us with opportunities to be happy here, I don’t think we can expect our reward in the next life to be the magical feeling of happiness all day everyday. I think it will still be opportunities, perhaps an optimal environment for experiencing the kind of happiness we are used to choosing, but we’d still have to choose it. There are different degrees of happiness, even in this life, and it’s up to us to decide which way we live. I guess a good way to look at the talk “good, better or best”, is “telestial, terrestrial, or celestial”.

At the end of the day – or of this life – will I have chosen to live a happy life and become a person with the capacity to choose and experience celestial joy?

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As part of trying to understand the needs of the demographic I am writing for, I have been reading a lot of posts on dating and marriage recently. They have utterly depressed me.

Some of the dating posts by single ladies have annoyed me, and made me glad to be having “real problems” on the married side of life, things that don’t have to do with stupid dating games. Other posts by older singles have made me cry. Why do I get to enjoy the blessings of marriage with such a wonderful man when there are so many out there who are trying to do everything they can, learning to grow themselves in every way they know how, and still feel that intense loneliness in their life?

And then, there are the threads that were supposed to be about marriage, and turned into everyone bringing up their divorce.

It’s good to talk about it when it’s something that you’re going through/have gone through. I agree that there needs to be a support network for women for whom it is a reality.

I would just like all of that talk to stay the heck out of my life. You know how everyone carries around irrational fears? Some people have it of spiders and bees, I have one of divorce and unhappy marriage.

At this point, I am not convinced that marriage is for everyone. Marriage to me is a higher law, one difficult for everyone to live and be happy. That, coupled with children, is probably the most demanding thing required of anyone. I wish we didn’t prescribe it to everyone as the ultimate source of their happiness. And I wish those that who would be better off living happy/unhappy lives by themselves would just keep out of the conversations about good relationships.

*Rant over.

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For those friends and family who only made it (or were only invited) to the reception in the evening, I’m so sorry, but as much as I thoroughly enjoyed the reception (despite a lot of it being the pinnacle of chaos) you were there for the worst part of the day. It was still great, don’t get me wrong, but as much as it might have had its beautiful moments, it was nothing compared to the sealing. Not even close.

I never once thought that I would be as glad as I am that it was that special sealing power in the temple that bound us together as husband and wife.

The sealing itself was such a perfectly simple ceremony, but it meant so much more because Christopher and I had gone through together for the first time just 2 days before and for us, each of those times were inseparable from the other. I will never be able to adequately describe the spirit and power that we had experienced there on both days. It is far too sacred.

Christopher and I have heard of couples who are nervous before being sealed, and also of couples who went through the ceremony in a whirlwind and left not feeling like anything had changed, and being surprised that they were all of a sudden a married couple. Neither of that was true for us.

We were perfectly calm before entering the sealing room. I was eager, but there were no butterflies, no anxiousness, no worries about anything at all. All I felt was a feeling of absolute rightness. We were exactly where we needed to be – with who we were meant to be with. That feeling alone is worth planning your entire life around.

We were able to watch guests entering the sealing room before we were brought in and I was brought to tears by all those who had made it there. It reminded me that the Celestial Kingdom is a place of reunions and a shared love for and understanding of the gospel.

Christopher and I definitely felt married after. I can’t understand what it was exactly, and am amazed at how something so simple and concrete could evoke such a significant change within us, but where we had thought we felt like a very almost married couple before the whole event (and more of a couple than some newlyweds who haven’t known each other near as long as we have), we left feeling like our relationship had a scared seal of approval and that we were a *real* eternal family now. This, I know for sure: it is not just a ceremony. Behind it, there is a real power to bind in earth and in heaven within the temple.

I know it would have been a completely different day if we had chosen to officiate our marriage in any other way. We would have deprived ourselves of that sacred spirit that brought meaning and lasting significance to our marriage. One of the reasons why being sealed in the temple meant as much as it did to us was because of the struggle it has been to end up right where we were. We were there because we had earned it. It was the ultimate reward.

People often think that the reward is to simply still be married to your spouse after this life. The reward isn’t to just BE with them past this life, it is to have the ability to GROW with them in this life and in the next and the next and the next.

As I wrote to my best friend, Lindsay soon after the event:
“People throw around the word eternity so much at these weddings, you just kind of brush it off to mean “a long time”. Christopher and I are not looking to be together simply for a long duration of time. We are planning on being together through all the phases of growth and development in this life and beyond. We aren’t just talking about building our careers and having a nice little LDS family in the near future. We do that only as a stepping stone to
creating whole worlds together. That is our destiny we strive toward fulfilling. And I can’t imagine myself ever reaching that state with anyone else.”

If being sealed in the temple had not been first and foremost in our minds, then our relationship would be built on very earthly and temporal foundations and would lack the depth and the blessings that we need to go even further with our potential than we can even imagine.

2) Not eloping/having an actual wedding
I’ve always hated the word “wedding”. I despise how the day often becomes more about the event and less about the marriage. And even more, I didn’t like the thought that our marriage was everyone else’s business too.

Christopher and I had seriously fantasized of getting married privately and civilly on our own a year before having our family present at the sealing. Almost every young couple in our era romanticizes the thought of running away to be married, doing their own thing and not caring about and fleeing from social obligation.

I eventually decided that I wanted to have an actual wedding, not only because I didn’t know how I would deal with our disappointed mothers, but because I had seen from a few examples how the absence of one meant a lack of integration between both families. I decided on doing it “the right way” or even the “boring, normal way” because I understood weddings to be the time for welding, melding and integration, not just between man and wife, but between them and the new in-laws. Without a wedding, there would be a missing connection between the two families. We’d love weddings to be only about the couple and their love and only what they want. But as much as we’d love for it to be that way, marriage isn’t just about romance and love and 2 people. It is about the coming together of two families and two cultures to become one. Not involving our immediate and extended families as well as our friends would have cut us off from the blessings that we could receive from having them in our lives. And what blessings they truly are!

It took a while coming to a decision about our wedding: why we were having one, what we wanted it to be, who we wanted to share it with and how we would accomplish those things.

For me, the wedding was never about making it the most beautiful or romantic day of our lives. Christopher and I have had very, very many of those moments we share, and I’ve always thought that if people have to look back on their wedding as the pinnacle of their happiness, they must have very unhappy relationships and lives. For me, the ultimate “highs” should come from those pockets of pure happiness that you find in every day life, from sharing a meal together, nightly bedtime conversations, dancing together at home (and not just in the reception hall on your wedding day). Happiness should be found in everyday things, however mundane, not from a larger than life, once-in-a-lifetime event. For me, the wedding would be more of a celebration of those moments, and less of an opportunity to create them. I guess I just didn’t know how great a wedding could be.

I tried to narrow down what “once-in-a-lifetime” things you could only do at a wedding and made sure that I made decisions based on making sure I would not have any regrets about how it could’ve been.

For many girls, the wedding is a day about aesthetic beauty. Their once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend lots of money on looking their most beautiful and have lots of pictures taken of them. Having a (now) husband who is a photographer and likes having me model for him, I have plenty of opportunity to look more beautiful than I really am in daily life and my only goal was to look especially beautiful that day for Christopher and not for myself.

The conclusion I’d come to was that the most special thing about a wedding was a gathering of people. Call me morbid, but the only other time in which ALL your friends make special effort to gather on your behalf is your funeral. Therefore, I decided that I wanted our wedding to be the excuse for all our family and friends to get together, a big reunion for the purpose of celebrating our union, and that the reception would be a small opportunity for those who haven’t known either Christopher or I to get to see – if just a little bit – what we are all about, hoping that they would leave believing in true love and good marriages (and that we have it).

While I was looking forward to the social nature of the wedding events, Christopher had a few more reservations about how big it was going to be. We kind of planned the whole event around giving other people what they wanted out of it. Christopher especially felt like he was doing this for his mom and for me. We certainly did not expect to get so very much out of it.

I wrote soon after the wedding:
“I never planned out the wedding to be the happiest day of my life. I planned it to be somewhat unique, meaningful, and just the kind of fun we enjoyed having. I knew it would be significant, but I thought we were doing a lot of this for other people and that it was more a process of giving than receiving. That’s just not how it worked. We gave nothing, it turns out, and received more than we could ever dream of receiving.”

“Milestones, however concrete/excruciatingly detail oriented executing them can be, are important vessels for heightening emotions and creating memories that you can hold on to for a lifetime. Marriage really is a big deal, and it deserves the attention we gave it. I get that now.”

Christopher said to me that night that it had been the best day of his life. For me, without having planned it out that way, it was a whole week of dreams coming true. We had claimed that day (and week) and made it ours. It truly was the best wedding I have ever, ever been to.

3) Choosing to integrate Chinese wedding customs and traditions
I don’t think I would have gone all out with the Chinese traditions the way we had if we had been married in Singapore or Malaysia where those things are so commonplace. I had originally decided to introduce those elements as a way to create something unique and to share with my new family a little taste of my culture, and to add a good bit of extra fun to the day. What I did not expect was how meaningful the tea ceremony would be, especially that morning. It brought me to tears. I’m glad we decided to share a little bit of that with the guests at the reception that evening.

I see now that it was an important statement, turning toward my roots on my wedding day. As much as I am a very Americanized individual – and I cringe when I think of intercultural marriages because I don’t feel I have one – it is very much an East meets West relationship. It was an important acknowledgement I made that day by making that culture a part of my life and our family.

One day, I’ll truly grasp the importance of these customs and traditions, but for now, I’ll just enjoy the blessings of their presence in my life.

4) Choosing to involve Grandma/having it in Logan Utah.
As a small compromise from eloping, Christopher and I had seriously considered being sealed in Hawaii instead, kind of as a way to intentionally *exclude* people. Since all our closest friends and immediate families had to travel to be in Logan anyway, I thought it would be nice to have a more exotic destination where only the people we were really close to would be. Hawaii is where we met so it would have been both intimate and meaningful. I know that would have worked out beautifully as well, but I changed my mind as soon as I realized that Grandma Wyatt would not be able to attend as she doesn’t fly anymore.

That was the first time I made a conscious decision to involve Christopher’s family in my life. I didn’t understand just how important it was at the time. It just didn’t seem like an option to exclude Grandma! Everything was extra special all throughout because Grandma was there – not as Christopher’s grandma, but also as mine. At our reception, Mom gave a little speech about where I came from, and she talked a lot about her mother, my grandmother. It is because of our predecessors and the way they chose/have chosen to live their lives that we are where we are today. It was very special having Grandma there at the temple with us, and now we are bound together by our shared love for that special temple and that special place.

5) Deciding to wait till the end of May for a Singaporean school holiday, at the minuscule chance that one of my brothers would be able to make it.
One of the saddest things when planning the wedding was realizing that not all of my immediate family would be there. My parents would fly out, and my sister is already in the US, but I have 4 brothers in Singapore, and getting them all the way across the globe at once is very unrealistic. I really missed them all that day, but I’m so so SO grateful that I was at least able to have my “baby” brother Ray there. It would not have been *nearly* as fun without him there. I hope that one day he’ll understand the significance of everything that transpired that day.

6) Involving our friends in the way we did
We were so hesitant to ask, but am so glad that it was CJ and Julie, Christopher’s best friends from the midwest, there as our photographers and Julie as my cosmetologist for the day. Not only did they do a *spectacular* job, it was a wonderful way to strengthen ties. Those were jobs that could have been done by any other professional, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as special or memorable. I’m ever so grateful that my favorite people in the whole world, Lindsay, Glenn and Jessica flew all the way in from far away to be there and were utterly *indispensable* all throughout, for all our friends and family who gave and gave and gave so much for us the entire week and for everyone who came out to share our special day with us. It really feels odd having so many people there specifically for just the two of us, and to having a whole week where we are the center. But the love I felt that day and that week still fills my heart with gratitude.

7) Planning out the details, communicating them and PRINTING them out!
There was chaos all throughout the day. When you get enough people together, there will always be chaos. It would have been much, much, much worse had there been less planning. It’s tedious, and feels so frivolous, but if you want your day to be as close to perfect as possible, take ownership of it, and plan it out. It won’t go just the way you imagined it, but at least it will head in the right direction. I’m so glad I made it our day, our way.

8) Having our short honeymoon in Logan/Providence
Actually, the awesome honeymoon was all Christopher’s doing. I’m glad I let him plan it out. I joked about spending our honeymoon on the I-15, heading back to San Bernardino. We had a couple of nights before then, and we spent them in the beautiful bridal suite at the Providence Inn. You know, we would have loved to go away to some far away exotic place – maybe even have gone back to Hawaii – but we’re not the kind of people that need the excuse of a honeymoon to go to those places. We have had many opportunities to see some of the most beautiful places in the world together, and will continue to seek them out. I am so glad that we had our honeymoon in Logan. It is a beautiful place we would gladly visit to escape from the world. We love it so very, very, very much, especially now, and we will always be able to return to it. I never thought that we were both such sentimental people but we’ve truly made it another one of our homes away from home.

——————

There are so many little insignificant details I could list: having been able to design my own wedding dress, having a wedding website, having funfetti wedding cupcakes, insisting that my mom bring me a BLUE parasol, having bubbles at the reception, deciding to have it at the Bluebird… but those aren’t the things I will remember with gratitude in the long run.

The essence of our special day, and what made it so significant and meaningful to us was that we chose to make it a day filled with everything that was important to us. Everything we involved that day, we would like to be a part of our family for the rest of our lives: our families, our dearest friends, Logan Utah, Chinese culture, but most importantly, the Temple.

We made it just the way we make our lives: filled with great things, and simply ours. And we can’t help but love every minute of it.

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The biggest hindrance from writing about this previously has been fear. Not so much fear of doing the topic injustice, but of revealing my ignorance perhaps being seen as simply spouting someone else’s opinions. I will be the first to admit that my desire to conform to a mode of thought is greater than my ability for objective reasoning. However, this is something I’ve tried very hard to come to terms with on my own for the longest time.

In many ways, this is an issue that has very little to do with me. I am not gay, I am not American, I couldn’t have voted for or against Prop-8. I get to marry whoever I want and for longer than I’ve been around, that is something that nobody has ever challenged. What right do I have in having a say in whether or not people who are different from me get to.

I come from a country where Muslims – and Muslims only – are allowed to have 4 wives and where once our deputy prime minister was imprisoned with sodomy charges. We’re in a completely different place, issues wise – in a lot simpler of a place. What do I know about rights?

The very first time I tried to form my own opinion on same-sex marriage was in early 2004. I was 19 and had little to no political opinions of my own. I am 24 and still have very few to speak of. My debut in the blogosphere more or less coincided with the same-sex weddings that were happening in San Francisco at the time.

I had been reading a blog in which many college students from perhaps one of the most liberal universities in the US were writing about the issue at the time and I was just about the only one who stood on the conservative side, though I did so without a clear understanding of why, besides knowing that I couldn’t condone homosexuality because of what I had been taught and believed.

I started my “research” then, and began to try to decide what I agreed and disagreed with. My simple conclusion at the time was that marriage and family was a desirable thing, something that we are losing quickly in our society and that same-sex marriages would only preserve something that was dying but paramount to human existence. It never occurred to me to think about it changing marriage completely. Most of all, though, I remember never being able to decide just how involved governments should be in defining marriage – the ultimate question that I never answered (and still have yet to answer) being about the relationship between Government and religion and where the line should be drawn.

The thought process went something like this: laws exist to protect individuals and from their rights being infringed upon, but so many have moral/religious roots. Theft is illegal because we all agree on what ownership means. Taking a life is against the law because we accept life as a basic human right and possession, but we can’t agree on abortion because we don’t all agree on whether or not an embryo/fetus is human and has those rights – mostly based on religious beliefs. The list goes on. Those were all commandments in the Christian world, but we could argue it out with our human logic, and that’s why we still all agree on those laws. But what about “thou shalt not commit adultery”? We all agree that adultery is bad, but why isn’t it punishable by law? Why isn’t the government involved in that instead? Things didn’t add up in my mind, and as I couldn’t see how allowing same-sex marriage was an infringement on the rights of anyone else, I concluded that I was pro-gay-marriage because I couldn’t find a way to justify making it against the law simply because I believe what my religion teaches about homosexuality and not condoning it. I decided that I would rather err on the side of being accepting instead of being closed minded and “intolerant”.

There are a lot of holes in my simple, simple, logic. But that is what I thought. I never felt confident enough to write about it, and always had “that post I want to write about why I am pro-gay-marriage” at the back of my mind. And though I considered myself pro-gay-marriage (and thoroughly enjoyed calling myself a “liberal Mormon” even all through this year) because couldn’t see a good enough secular and logical explanation to oppose it, like with all opinions I have, I was always waiting to be proven wrong.

When same-sex marriage once again dominated the internet this time around, I was rather apathetic about it. I didn’t have the energy to go through the whole debate with my own brain all over again. But when many of my LDS friends were toting “Yes! on Prop 8″ everywhere, I began to be annoyed. To me, they were being stereotypically Mormon, like I had been in 2004, taking the obvious, brainless anti-gay-marriage stance.

Innately, however, I’ve always had the desire to understand why same-sex marriage is not something that I should condone. It took understanding Christopher’s perspective (because I knew he had come to those conclusions on his own, not just because he was told that is the way he should think) and mostly, learning about the Church’s stance and it’s involvement in Prop 8 to help me understand what I consider to be the Lord’s perspective on the matter.

Few will ever really understand how and why I’ve cried over this. I’ve cried and cried for those who have been denied the right to marry their loved one – I truly do understand how important this is; I’ve cried in frustration for being unable to completely have a firm hold on every single argument and come to a solid, logical, objective, well-thought-out and fair conclusion. But there is no “fair” conclusion. Not when fairness itself is what is being challenged.

I still find the arguments for same-sex marriage very convincing if you completely take the divine nature of man and women and the sanctity of marriage out of the picture and I can completely understand why people are angry. I would be too. But regardless who “won” or “lost”, what I do see in all of this is that while everybody is trying to defend their side of the argument with secular logic and with semantics and whatnot, things that I will never be great at, the basic debate isn’t about rights or equality, what marriage means or whether or not the government should be involved; the real fight is about whether or not society can and will not just tolerate but accept homosexuality as a practice.

It’s really that simple.

And even if/when the day comes where homosexual marriages become just as common as heterosexual marriages, there will always be anger toward those who still don’t morally condone the behavior and (despite what the members who are struggling with Prop 8 think), the LDS Church will always find themselves on that side of the line and it will always be impossible to “win” a secular argument using the earthly terms that have been set. None of our explanations that are meant to satisfy human logic will ever be able to do God’s logic any justice.

For me, this has been a process of humbling myself and accepting that Heavenly Father understands much more than my little brain can because ultimately,I am willing to give up my flawed opinions for what I understand and accept to be truth. I still have more questions than I have explanations and answers but I know that the Church is run under His direction and don’t question their involvement in Prop 8 because I don’t doubt that it was His will. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is sacred and ordained of God only time will show us just how same-sex marriages run counter to the ultimate plan of happiness.

Ideally I would write all of this without feeling like I have to apologize for being religious first and secular second. But I do, for some reason. I feel like in most cases, they don’t run counter to each other, but this was one instance where I had to first decide which side to be on, and ask for divine help in understanding the logic behind it. I feel like I get it, and despite the unanswered questions, feel a lot more sure-footed on this side of the line than I ever have been, though I’m still working on the part where I get the ability to accurately represent it to those who think otherwise.

As I end this post, I am still filled with the irrational fear of revealing just how simple minded I am. But I have to remind myself that I would rather be simple minded in my willingness to comply with Heavenly Father’s will than to have to prove my own feeble strength of reasoning.

In the end, it really isn’t so bad giving up the parts of myself I feel are treasured in this world in order to become just a little more like He is.

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Yesterday, I worked for 2 hours on a post, predicting Obama’s victory, but lost all that I’d written when my browser crashed because it couldn’t handle the presidential debates playing on YouTube along with all the other tabs I had open. Ultimately, watching the debate was a waste of my time. All it was was a space where the candidates could fight for popularity with the public, and though it was the supposed intention, I didn’t learn much about what would ACTUALLY happen if either became president. I only got to observe the angles in which each tried to appeal to the public. So who really knows what will happen now. Now you guys get all the “Change” you’ve been waiting for. You’ll need it, especially when you soon find out you’ll need to pay more taxes.

I am sure those of my friends who are celebrating Obama’s victory won’t mind me admitting now, that for some reason, whenever I learn that someone is an Obama supporter, they lose a few points in my book. At least in the arena of making critical, unbiased, rational decisions, which I myself am not very good at anyway, so who am I to judge, right? I know I am easily influenced by the opinions of those around me, and I do have to honestly ask myself if I would have found myself on the side of supporting Obama given a different set of friends or, most of all if Christopher had a different take on politics.

In any case, I have noticed that the people whose opinions I respect the most are not Obama supporters. They usually aren’t McCain supporters either. Usually those are the people that see that there are no really good options when it comes to electing a president. Ultimately, though, it’s not the cynics that move the country, it’s those that believe in causes. Perhaps I am less impressed with Obama because all the information I have been fed have come from the wrong (or should I say the right?) side of the spectrum. Being LDS and surrounded by conservatives doesn’t really help, I suppose. Still, I would really like to listen to someone clearly explain to me why Obama will do a great job with in his new post and be convinced. It still has yet to happen. All I hear is “But he will CHANGE things!” But will it be for the better? If so how? And why will he do it better than anyone else? What has he done to prove that he will?

I expressed to Christopher once that I hoped Obama would win and have enough time to screw up/disappoint so that people will regret voting for him and I can laugh and say “I told you so”. But that is not the right thing to hope for. I hope to be proven wrong, and that he will grown into these big shoes in the way that the country needs him too.

Ultimately, I am happy that democracy exists so that the people can elect their leaders. I am glad that the majority of America is rejoicing at this moment. But I am also sorely disheartened by the painful reminder that all presidential elections are popularity contests and that ultimately we don’t really understand what is best for us.

Still, the power of “fixing” the country isn’t in the hands of the president alone. Maybe Obama is what the people need for a president: a popular public figure who can keep them optimistic about the future of their country who is popular or at least well known across the borders. To the average Chinese person, Mc-who(?) was the person running against Obama.

In any case, the people have their president, and let’s hope things only get better, and not worse in the promised land.

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Now, while completing a 4-year degree and getting yourself into and through grad school takes a kind of determination that I can only admire, and I have no doubt most people in grad school really love what they are doing and a good portion are _really_ there as a strategic career move, I am still a lot less impressed whenever I hear of graduate school as part of the “plan” nowadays. To me, I no longer see a determined achiever with a plan in mind. I simply see somebody who is lost and is buying time – with lots and lots of borrowed money.

It just seems like grad school is the default track college graduates these days go on whenever they don’t know what to do with their degree/life. It’s a nice 2 year postponement of having to make any major life decisions while still feeling like you’re really doing something impressive at the same time. And grad school will always be impressive to me – I understand. I love school. I understand the choice of returning to academia, I just know that it’s not for the reasons they should be or are claimed to be for so much of the time. Don’t call it a practical career move when you still don’t really have a career in mind.

I know the job market is getting more and more competitive and grad school does really give you an edge. I know that there are many graduate programs that really prepare you for specific careers, but I also know this much: if you don’t have a clear plan with what you’re going to do with your undergraduate degree and don’t decide beforehand what you’re going to do with your graduate degree, you’re going to be just as lost when you come out.

But what do I know. I am just a preschool teacher and though thoroughly happy with my job now (and in a place where I’m starting to feel pretty good at many aspects of it), if I didn’t have to go through 6 more years of school, I would really consider looking into becoming a relationship counselor.

That’s not really the point of this post that pokes at just about every single person I know.

What I was trying to point out is that I am surrounded by people who are lost and don’t really know what to do with their lives. Grad school is just one of the ways in which we try to find ourselves. Some join the military, some go on missions, others come to China. One way on another, we are all trying to figure out what it is we’re supposed to do as adults in “real life”. We’re all living the “dreadful decision decade” but none of these career-based decisions really give us any lasting satisfaction. How many college graduates quit their first “real job” (sometimes their dream job) within the first year only to be lost again, with travel and grad school next on the list – more postponement of actually having to work at a job? Nobody is really “stuck” at this stage, but the option of making drastic changes only confuses us further. Where is this fulfillment, happiness and contentment we are supposed to have?

And that’s really what this is all about, wandering around, pretending to make “career advancement” decisions to improve our quality of life when really, what we’re looking for isn’t something to complete us, but someone. Someone to commit to, to anchor us, and to give us the kind of resolve, purpose and direction that no class or job could ever replace.

“Real life” doesn’t really begin until you have more than yourself to think about.

It’s not quite as glamorous as we’d like it to be but ultimately, the most satisfaction in life is found in the sacrifices we’ve had to make for our family and those around us. As much as our civilization tries to deny it, inside we all know that family lies at the center.

It’s an interesting place for me to be, just in the gray area between family life and single-hood. There’s still lots of room to develop myself in the world of education and employment, but I can drop all the pretenses of trying to build a life just based on that. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have found my “someone”. On the other hand, I still need to learn how not to completely lose myself in my relationship with Christopher, to keep up those “me” things that are fulfilling and important in the grand scheme of things.

And I guess that’s why I wrote this blog post.

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With college friends, I’m always curious to know who they end up with – and so many of them have gotten/are getting married. It’s fun to see the pictures of those couples, to see what their happy times together are like, and to find out that they’re not divorced. And then they start having kids and cyberstalking them is less meaningful because the pictures of them disappear and the pictures of their kids (who you are sure are wonderful but you’ve never met so don’t really have an attachment to) start dominating their pages. At that point, you just check every once in a while to see if they’re pregnant again and wonder how many kids they will have together total. :) It’s good to watch them move on to the next stage and observe (from what Facebook will let you know) the kind of family they’ve built and wonder about the kinds of pictures I will post in the future.

With friends from elementary school, it’s interesting to see them using English to begin with (when we knew each other it was in Chinese school and I was one of the few that used English ever) and with all past classmates, it’s just to watch which education and career path each decided to take. Most of my friends from school belong in the middle to upper-middle class bracket in Malaysia and are almost all Malaysian Chinese. Most did really well in school (all my elementary school friends I knew from being in what was essentially the equivalent of the gifted and talented program) so that means that most of my friends have been able to go abroad for University (and they call it university while I call it college). Many are still in England or in Australia finishing up school. A good handful actually ended up doing medicine like they had talked about, few less, law (yes, I knew a very creative bunch of people). Many opted for accounting, some in engineering, some in finance etc.

What’s most interesting to me, isn’t finding out what they chose in and of itself, but mostly, it’s making comparisons and evaluating where I am in comparison to where they are with the choices they got to make.

If you take away my Asian heritage and its influence on my lifestyle, you might find that my life is somewhat comparable to many of the LDS North American people I know, but I think it’s safe to say that compared to most, if not all of my friends from school in Malaysia, my path was the most radically different from theirs. I’d always felt a cultural difference that separated me from them. One with me speaking English as a first language while they didn’t, and another with the influence the gospel has had in my life. I see clearly now that this (especially the latter) difference is fundamental and I foresee that it will become harder to compare myself with them as time goes on.

From the very beginning, while most stayed under the British education system, taking 2 extra years of college (pre-university) before moving on to getting a 4-year degree, I spent my first 8 months after high school working for my dad at his company, doing everything from telemarketing and database entry to customer support and marketing. And then it was off to BYU-Hawaii. The AMERICAN education system to study psychology with a minor in music (I guess at least I wasn’t a performing arts major – that is even more RADICALLY different from Malaysian friends because most weren’t given the option to do that from their parents). I can only think of a few others who eventually ended up there.

With the flexibility of the American education system, I left school in between when funds were low, went home and worked for Dad a little more (with more responsibility this time) and taught piano on the side. Then it was back to BYUH, working while studying (I did maintenance work for BYUH housing first and then later got a sweet job as a tour guide at the Polynesian Cultural Center).

And then, the biggest difference of all, while I started 1.5 to 2 years ahead of them education wise, I left school 2 years before I would have finished and moved to China.

So here I am in China, with what I consider an American college education, but no degree to show for, though with a large variety of work experience under my belt. Almost nobody works while they’re going to school in Malaysia so I’ve definitely got much more work experience than most. I’m one of the few (if not the only one) who is completely financially independent (if you don’t count my mom paying for the long distance phone calls because it’s cheaper) and has been for the past 2.5 years.

I love knowing that I rent my own apartment – that I can deal with real estate agents and Landlord’s on my own – and am in a position to support a small family (living frugally, of course). I am able to travel, on my own dime, to places that my friends might have gone to see only with their parents. Though I am in no sense a “self-made” person, I love the life that I’ve made for myself here in China. I am extremely happy here in my real-adult life and that is something to be proud of.

The fact that I’m working in China is something of a “Wow” factor for most Malaysians. It’s the thing to do now. If you’re working for a large company, odds are they have a branch in China and you’re pretty cool if you get sent there.

I’m not working for a large multinational company, though. I’m a teacher both by profession and by temperament. It’s not the most glamorous or prestigious job in the world, and ultimately one not as well-paid, but it’s the only job I can see myself enjoying in the long run (a job where my focus is on helping individuals progress).

I recall meeting up with my friends from elementary school for the first time in 10 years the last time I went home (Dec 2006). People hadn’t changed much: they were all still recognizable, they looked and sounded the same and had the same personalities I remembered them having as children. I was the least recognizable to them – and was actually voted the most different (I like to think that the ugly duckling finally became a swan) – because now they actually could see my eyes instead of the HUGE pair of glasses I had on my face but also because I was so shy in Chinese school that few people ever got to know me very well.

I remember going back to our school to visit the teacher that had taught us our last 2 years in school. She hadn’t changed much, only aged a little, and we – at least I – saw her differently because she wasn’t our teacher anymore and we were older now. I.e. I saw her as a person instead of that scary lady who was going to yell at me or strike me with her cane for not doing my homework (yeah, school in Malaysia back then, I tell you what).

She enjoyed hearing all about the things we were doing with our lives and I think she was very proud of where we all had ended up. She didn’t remember me at all (I think if she’d seen a picture of me when I was in her class all the memories of how she never liked me very much would all come flooding back) but she actually even complimented me on my Chinese which I found HILARIOUS because my Chinese is just as crappy as ever though my pronunciation is 100 times better than most Malaysians at this point because of my time in China (and my love for picking up new accents). Anyway, my point was this: she was so proud of where all her students had come and I realized that it was important to her to hear all of our accomplishments and quietly take them as her own because well, there she was, still a teacher at the same school since I’d been there 10 years ago. That’s about 20 years of teaching in the same place.

I felt a kind of an affinity to her then. Teaching certainly offers little to no glamor in the high-paced, materialistic world that we live in.

As much as I’d always loved my job from the very beginning, I struggled a lot with taking on the image of a preschool teacher. I really hated telling other foreigners that I’d met in China (the Chinese students, the English teachers, and the ones with cool jobs and real careers) that I taught preschool and would drop “Montessori” and “International school” to try to sell it (mostly to myself) as something much more prestigious than teaching English to a local kindergarten. I’d come from teaching English to managers of large multinational companies so there was sort of a drop in prestige (I guess now I teach their children) and I felt that becoming a preschool teacher isolated me from the rest of the world of adults and that it said to the world that I was an underachiever.

Something changed in the course of time, however. I got to know the other people I worked with and developed a huge respect for them, causing me to have to reevaluate my view of people like them, like US, to be “underachievers”. I saw how dedicated to furthering their education and improving themselves as teachers they are. Always learning something new, taking some new course, attending some training, reading books on Montessori education. I learned first-hand how difficult and demanding a job teaching young children is on ALL fronts, but also experienced how meaningful and rewarding the work is. I also saw that while classroom management is still always something I have to try hard at, teaching actually comes naturally and instinctively to me. For me, I guess, teaching preschool became more of a conscious choice than a default, it-pays-ok-and-the-work-is-not-bad-so-I-will-do-it option.

Ultimately, I have discovered that I’ve found a job wonderfully suited for me, my talents, interests and abilities, while continuing to challenge me and encourage me to develop myself as a person. I love feeling competent – I really enjoy knowing that I *do* have a good idea of what is best for my children on an individual basis, that I actually have the ability to direct their progress in a positive direction. Something that I’m developing at this job, also, that I never thought I would, is management skills. Of course, there’s personal and time management that is a constant battle for me to master, classroom management which is a LOT of work, but also actual *personnel* management. That is not something that I thought would be part of the job. But I have 4 teachers who work very closely with me in the classroom that *I* am in charge of.

That was one of the things that I struggled with my first year on the job: being in a position to LEAD my teaching assistants. There is still SO much room for improvement but it is a recent discovery for me that without thinking about it in so many terms, I am learning to be a better leader and manager and have tried hard to train, lead, direct, supervise and reward the people I work shoulder-to-shoulder with (who have EVERYTHING to do with my satisfaction with the classroom and my day at work).

As if being in charge of the academic, physical and socio-emotional well-being of 20 children isn’t responsibility enough, this is truly a part of the job that we don’t focus very much on as teachers. That along with maintaining good relationships with the parents so that they’re happy with the school (from a business standpoint) and so you can work together with them for the benefit of the children.

I remember mentioning to Christopher not too long ago how much I love having the position of “teacher” because it means that (when I rise to the calling) parents see me as their equal – even though I am not yet married or have kids. In fact, more than an equal, many parents actually put me in a position of authority, as if I know more about what is best for their kids than they do. Sadly, this is sometimes true, but the fact of the matter is teaching their children is completely different from having children of my own.

Wow. I talked a lot about my job. I really do love it *that* much.

What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that I love observing how much more of an adult I’ve become over the past few years. I’m not really ahead of the game compared to anyone else. I’m 23, turning 24 this June. All my peers are just as much adults as I am, they’re just doing different things.

I still wonder what they think of me and where I’ve come from cyberstalking ME on Facebook, but there really is little point in comparing. The things that are important to me may not be the things that are important to them. What matters to me is that I love and am competent at what I am doing (and for now and that is teaching young children), that I am independent and self-sufficient, but most of all that I have love in my life: a wonderful person – family – to share and plan my life with (if any of you even noticed the change in my Facebook status, that was my sad, sorry, cliched attempt at celebrating April Fool’s), and that I am continuing to develop spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually.

Ultimately I need to stop worrying about friends rolling their eyes at how much a center of my life Christopher is. That is who I am – that’s the only way I know how to be – and I have found a way to make that work for me. Sure I’ve made plenty of not-so-wise, “harder path” choices. There were unhealthy relationships, heartache, times of financial struggle, and there are consequences still to be suffered from me deciding to leave school early.

But when all is said I love my life, where I am going, I love who I am, who I am trying to become, and I love who I am with and am loved immensely in return – that is all that matters.

One day, I suppose I’ll look back again and see how my friends all have careers that pay a good salary while I’ll (hopefully) be happy doing the hardest, most important job in the world: staying at home with my 3 or more kids with little to show for in the “outside world”. When that day comes, I hope that I’ll feel as satisfied with the path I chose as I am today.

I suppose now would be a good time to use the overly quoted passage we all learned in high school by Robert Frost in “The Road Not Taken” (1915):

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

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Call it a strength, if you will. Forgiveness and unconditional love and acceptance is something that has always come very naturally to me. I really am incapable of hate and sustained anger. It could be that I just haven’t been seriously hurt or betrayed by someone close to me though I’m pretty sure that if I wanted to, I could find many things to be angry and unforgiving about.

I don’t know how I compare to other people in general, but it has occurred to me that there are many out there who are accustomed to blaming their circumstances, their environment and the people around them – or even God – for their pain and unhappiness. While I have certainly been guilty of that on occasion, what I realized was significant was that for the most part, I don’t. And it’s not that I point fingers any less when things go wrong, it’s just that I always blame myself first.

I am so focussed on taking ownership of my thoughts and feelings that I carry around the burden of the blame for anything that isn’t the way I think it should be. When I am upset about something, instead of being upset at the circumstance or the person involved, I get upset at myself for having gotten upset. When relationships end, I always feel responsible for the way things went. I always assume that I am at fault and am the one to blame.

And while it is so easy for me to love, accept and forgive everyone around me freely, I am only now understanding how much of a struggle it is for me to be able to do the same with myself. It is ok for everyone to be human and flawed, but not me – me, I must be perfect. When I fall short, which I always do, I am really hard on myself. I don’t know what it is I’m trying to overcompensate for.

It seems that the depth and extent in which love and forgiveness of others is a strength of mine is the same as is my weakness in allowing myself to simply be and making room for myself to make mistakes.

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I’ve flown into Beijing a total of 4 times in my 2 years of living here. The very first time was the most exciting of course: it was filled with the promise of romance and the anticipation of the unknown. The next two times were returning home after visiting my family in Malaysia over Christmas. Those two times, I felt instantly realigned upon returning to Beijing. It felt good to be back to my city, my apartment, my cats, my branch, my friends, my life: home.

Though I thoroughly enjoyed my experience in Herrang, I found myself feeling starting to feel restless and ready to return home toward the end. I’d actually started to write about it while I was there but I let the endless distractions keep me from writing anything significant. Herrang was for me (and I may or may not go back and write about this properly) more about discovering and then forging intimate friendships with Glenn (echemistry.com) and Lindsay (my personality doppelganger), which led to improving my psychoanalytical skills drastically and in a most conflicting way (issue yet to be resolved) and enjoying the good weather and the high-energy environment of dance camp than it was about the dancing itself – though I did make sure that I got plenty of that in. And while there was certainly a great reluctance within me to leave those preciously rare friends, the fun and everything else that makes Herrang one of my favorite places in the world behind, I knew it was all temporary, like a really good dream, and was starting to feel the need to pull away and step back into reality, stability, to start preparing and building for a new year of the life that is truly mine.

Plus, the intellectual over-stimulation started to make my brain hurt (the letters EINSTFJP are still racing through my head at all times and I don’t know how to make it stop) and I knew that I needed to pull away and return to a place where I could be back to just my own theories about people and relationships, unadulterated by Glenn’s ideas. That place doesn’t exist anymore, so I’m just going to have to learn to balance out those theories (it’s hard when you have so much love and respect for the source from which they came) and adjust them to create my own view and understanding. I have yet to decide what stance I want to have, but I know that I am uncomfortable and unhappy with the way that it has affected my view of people thus far and something needs to be done to correct that.

I realize now that I felt the need to leave because I felt like I was losing myself. Interestingly enough, unknown to me at the time, Christopher felt like he’d lost me too.

It’s kind of a conflicting notion. There in Herrang I found people so very much like me. I felt like I had found myself and yet it is clear that something was lost in the process. Maybe getting too caught up in our similarities, I somehow neglected our differences – and those differences are fundamental to who I am.

So I felt ready to go home in search of myself again, yet left Herrang with much reluctance, spent a day (6 hours) on my own exploring Stockholm before leaving beautiful Sweden, only to be welcomed back to Beijing by muggy weather, gray skies and an unshakable feeling of dread at the pit of my stomach.

I felt like I had left home for Beijing.

Such was my unhappiness at my return to this city that I really felt as if I had signed on to stay in Beijing for one year too long.

I thought that I would get realigned after going to church today and settling back into my social niche, but while I was glad to see the few friends that have remained thus far and pick my role of unofficial greeter, welcomer of newcomers and organizer for the YSA, the feeling of bleakness hasn’t left me and I am troubled at the prospect of being unhappy here.

A big contributor to this bleakness is just timing. As Christopher puts it, I’ve just returned from a high-octane environment to Beijing where my friends have either already left or are leaving and I don’t have my job to anchor me down quite yet. I definitely feel adrift and wandering right now, not feeling like I quite belong here. I noticed as I was walking slowly back to my apartment today was that what I am experiencing in not very much unlike a breakup. My yearly summer ritual.

Another contributing factor is that Herrang was an experience that was parallel to college for me It was continually buzzing with excitement, there was a sense of community, the energy there was incredible, I made best friends and completely enjoyed getting to know everyone there, there were classes to attend, I was learning and challenged intellectually… and we were 10 minutes away from water, and the sky was blue most of the time: just like Hawaii. Because the experience had such a familiar feel to it, it reminded me so much of college and made me really wish I could be back there. It’s been 2 years since I left so I’d forgotten how much I loved it. Returning to Beijing at its most unpleasant state made me feel even more determined to get myself out of here as soon as possible.

I know that as soon as I get back to work in a week and get back into a routine here and the new YSA start coming in and I get into hyper-befriending mode, I will regain my sense of belonging and ownership of Beijing.

Not everything is missing from “home” though. The one thing I was most excited to return to were my cats. They truly are my family here. Glad they’re still alive – thanks to some very, very thoughtful friends. They’ve been a little extra needy now that I’m home but I love the attention.

And of course, there’s Christopher.

It’s really good to be back and working on a relationship with him again and to experience those butterflies once more.

I’m disappointed that I will have to wait longer for him to come to Beijing, but it’s good that I have time to make it mine again (and that I can be happy to be here so I can be a good hostess when he finally does come) and for us to get back to where we were emotionally before I left for Herrang and got so removed from the rest of the world. I am wary that I will spend this time simply waiting for him to come. When the dread was overwhelming yesterday, it did feel as if Christopher’s arrival was the one saving grace of staying here. Good things come to those who wait. I’m just not very good at waiting.

One thing that I did notice, was that on the plane flight to and from Sweden, Christopher was all I could think about and I missed him incredibly. I now know why: Christopher has become home for me. That’s why I waited to talk to him everyday while I was in Herrang and why I brought thoughts of him along with me on my plane flight where I often think about home and my relationship with it.

There is no doubt: home truly is where the heart is.

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Yesterday, I went to watch the Young Ambassadors from BYU perform. Lots of other members from the branch were there. It was a great performance, and I’m really glad I was able to see them perform. What I found particularly noteworthy, though, was my realization of how differently I saw them this time around. The last time I watched the Young Ambassadors, I was 16. I was their biggest fan: to me, they were celebrities. They came to my house because my Dad had played a big part in organizing their trip to Malaysia and I thought I was the coolest kid in town. I got all their autographs and would always listen to their CD and look at the pictures I had of them often. Ever since their watching them perform for the first time when I was 12, I decided that they were the coolest people on the planet and I wanted to be a Young Ambassador when I grew up and sing, dance and act like they did.

And then I went to BYU-Hawaii. Sometime before that, realized that I could neither sing or dance very well and gave up on that dream.

I noticed as I watched their performance, that I wasn’t the same wide-eyed girl that I had been before. While I enjoyed their performance, it wasn’t as world-shaking as it had been to me before; I was entertained but not blown away. And while I still wish I could sing and dance as well as they could and wish I could experience the fun of being in a production like that, I did not once think “I want to be a Young Ambassador”. I don’t know why, but it made me cry. I’m crying now as I think about it. I can’t figure out exactly what it is. Maybe I’m crying for the same reasons I love Peter Pan movies: I don’t want to grow up and feeling like I’ve lost something magical from my childhood makes me sad.

Remember when the missionaries were your heroes? Now they’re just a bunch of kids who are doing a very important work. Time changes your view of the world like that. I feel like it’s important but for some reason, I don’t like it.

Time and growth has been on my mind a lot lately as I’m approaching my 23rd birthday and am thinking about my life a lot. I’m actually really excited to get older and see what another year will bring but in the moments when I realize that I know nothing about life because I’ve lived so little of it, that there are experiences and challenges to be had that are completely different from the ones that I’m having now, I feel a little nervous. There’s just no way of really seeing what your future will be like from the present.

As if the Young Ambassadors wasn’t enough of a blast from the past, the BYU-Hawaii concert choir is in Beijing too. I finally got to meet them today after being completely excited about it for a good little while.

Since I’ve been in China (I’ll have been here 2 years mid-July) I’ve had 4 friends that I knew from BYU-Hawaii come through.

It’s always a strange experience meeting friends out of context. There is a definitely desire within me for my friends from past lives to see my life as it is now mostly because I love it so much and find it too wonderful not to share. I think it also has something to do with my desire to be understood and seen as a whole.

Well, today, it felt as though all of BYU-Hawaii came to visit me in China. It was quite overwhelming at the musical social today. I realized how very easily I could forget that I was in China and think that I was back in the McKay Auditorium for a choir performance. I really felt like I could’ve been back in school. And what with President Shumway talking about the mission of BYU-Hawaii in church today and then hearing the beautiful music from the choir (especially the Polynesian tunes) made, I was so incredibly homesick.

What? I thought that I was done with BYU-Hawaii that I didn’t need to go back anymore…
I felt a sense of belonging to BYU-Hawaii today. I wonder if it will change after enough time and all the people that I’d known have moved on or if it will forever feel like a piece of home to me. Today I was reminded of how big a part Hawaii still is in my life. It was quite unexpected.

As I sat listening to the choir, I found myself wishing for a companion. It’s hard trying to resolve my love for Hawaii with my love for China when I can only be in one place at a time. That’s why it’s easier for me to forget about BYU-Hawaii for the most part and focus only on my current experience. What I longed for today, was for someone to share that love for both places with. For someone who understood my deep connection to each location and who I could share those memories with so they don’t get lost and forgotten. Someone who I didn’t have to leave behind upon leaving. Or someone who wouldn’t leave without me.

That’s why I’m struggling a little right now with my social situation in Beijing. What I love most about it is the people and most of them will be gone by August. At which point all the really good times that we’ve had in this particular YSA group will be dispersed and I’ll start over.

My attachment to my past as seen from what I’ve been writing surprises me. I wonder why that is. At the same time, I’m also wondering how this is different from my relationship with Malaysia which should be home.

I guess I just don’t know how to make room for all this love that I have for every experience in my life while welcoming new ones. I realize that time and growth changes memories and I wonder how little some of them will mean to me in the future. Especially without someone else to appreciate their significance in the same way you do. Hmmm.

At least I know that for the most part, I’ve lived a life worth loving.

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I love these buses. It’s like a sleepover with Jessica. I find that I really enjoy the travel. I’m not even the slightest bit anxious to arrive at the destination. This for me was never about Mongolia. It was getting out of Beijing and spending lots of time with Jessica specifically. I’m actually annoyed at myself for not being more excited about Mongolia. I want to be a traveler, but it doesn’t seem to be me. We’ll see how I feel when I get there and after it’s over. Right now I am thoroughly enjoying this road trip. I guess it helps to be comfortable.

Jessica and I have talked about so many topics. People we know, our inhibitions when it comes to relationships, humor and maturity, depth in spirituality, adultery, movies, giving talks at Sacrament meeting, relationship with parents. I love her. I wish that the right decision for her would be to stay instead of return to NY, especially since I know I’ll need a girlfriend now that Jessamyn’s dating and will be gone in July. *sigh*

Thinking a little about dating. I realize that I am so afraid of a relationship right now. That is new. Usually I jump in with too little thought or inhibition. Now I’m so hesitant and am always second guessing myself. I wonder what cause this change. Am I reacting this way because I’ve been hurt in the past and this is a defense mechanism?

I love my single self so much now and I enjoy the balance and independence I am seeking. Why do I equate a relationship with insecurity and imbalance? Why can I only remember negative things about myself from relationships past? I wonder if this is where I need the atonement to truly take place in my life. I really need to be healed. I don’t trust myself in a relationship still. And that is the problem. I feel like I am less likely to screw up when I am alone. Right now I don’t feel like I would make a good girlfriend. I am not ready. What exactly is it that I am conquering or trying to conquer and how can/will it be done?

At what stage of my personal development will it be an appropriate time to seek/welcome a relationship?

Think, think, think.

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(I think at that point I laid down for a bit, only to have more thoughts so I popped back up and scribbled them down.)

I feel like my weaknesses are so in-my-face right now. And that’s why there are some insecurities but I know that I am so aware of them because of my decision to turn to the Lord. “If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.” Now I just need to have faith that He can make them strong.

I need to trust my ability to be consistently trying to do what’s right. My greatest fear right now is forgetfulness. The awful “f” word that leads to complacency and unrighteousness.

Remembering is so important. I want so much now to promise to always remember Him.

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Of course, every encounter is different but it’s a challenge I feel I am up to: to try to make each one-on-one interaction a mutually enjoyable interchange. I’ve always been an alright conversationalist on dates but I want to expand those skills to include a more varied group. People skills. I want them!

I need to add it to my list of hobbies. Likes: meeting new people and psychoanalyzing them. Extra bonus points if I get to talk about myself in the process. Hah. I guess I just enjoy good conversation. Who doesn’t?

The best and most fulfilling kinds of conversations are the ones that leave you with lots to think and write about afterwards. Like the ones I’ve had at lunches this week.

Anyway, speaking of social interaction, it’s time to head out for Korean barbecue with some swing friends and then my first experience with Dungeons and Dragons.

I’m actually, really nervous about D&D. So nervous that I’m trying to figure out excuses to back out of it. Being a geek wannabe, I got really excited when I found out that Adam played (I tell ya, there’s a strong overlap between geeks and swing dancers!) because every D&D player is a true geek. It is the epitome of geekdom. AND I WANT TO BE GEEKY!

So of course I accepted, when Adam changed the day from Sunday to Friday so I could go and invited me to join them.

Why the second thoughts? Honestly: because I’m afraid that I won’t like it. That I might think it too weird for me. Or that I would be really bad at it. It involves creativity and spontaneity I’m not sure I have and… well… insecurities. Back in college when I first got myself involved with acting and improv there was this serious wall I had to bulldoze before I could really enjoy myself. I’m going to have to do it again.

Well, there you go, my honest thoughts about D&D before the fact but after watching lots of videos on YouTube and reading about it. You know who I am SURE will love this? My brother, Han. I need to introduce him to it if it hasn’t already been done. But for now, the first step out of my comfort zone is leaving my computer and heading out of the apartment.

Wish me luck!

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This afternoon’s interchange was particularly note-worthy to me because it was so intriguing to be completely on the same page in a conversation as far as interests, concerns and even opinions go with someone whose personality type is the polar opposite of mine. Also important to note that the last person with the ESTJ label that I’d interacted with closely was He-whose-name-I-must-not-blog. That was a relationship that crashed and burned, though very stimulating at the beginning. Incidentally, it was him who got me to view the world through these “personality type” glasses. What does that mean, I wonder… This particular ESTJ also relies on labels to describe personality (the colors: he’s a red and type A vs. type B). I wonder if it has something to do with their types or if it’s a coincidence.

Hmmm.

One of my favorite websites to visit lately has been Socionics.com my relationship bible where I look up what they say about intertype relations. Unfortunately, much of Socionics, as is any branch of psychology in general, is more theory than science so it’s not as reliable as I would like it to be. Bah, humbug.

My other latest obsession has been the science of attraction and the Greek words for love. You may or may not get to read about it on here.

Why am I so very obsessed with relationships? Why?! Makes me want to be back in school as a psych major again where I have access to a knowledge base and for it to be completely acceptable – and even absolutely productive – that I think these thoughts in my head. Instead of me wasting an afternoon on my computer on Googled research while I should really be doing something that would get me to Mongolia by Sunday.

Why can’t my passion be with early childhood education? It would make my life so much more perfect. And my coursework completed much sooner.

In any case, another lunch appointment has been set up for 12pm on Friday. At least I’m on track with that goal. Need to figure out who to ask to lunch tomorrow….

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I have imagined up my ideal job, but I can’t say that I can visualize myself actually doing it. I am not doing anything at all to get me there and I’m not sure I can say I’d be that disappointed if I didn’t.

But I try to look into my future now and I see nothing. Nothing at all. I expect that I’ll be happy. I imagine I’ll be married and a mother… I see myself serving in certain callings within the church… but that’s about as far as I can see. The only time I can actually visualize the future is when I am in a relationship and start to build my dreams around him. I didn’t let myself do that with John, knowing that it was a relationship doomed from the start, and so the last time I’ve seen anything was nearly 2 years ago. How sad is that?

It’s not a hopeless type of blankness. On a contrary, it is most optimistic and hopeful. I don’t doubt that what life has to bring will be wonderful and I feel like I want to leave the doors of happiness open. That’s why I haven’t re-written the list. I am wary of locking myself into wanting this certain something that I idealize and missing out on something else that could bring me ultimate happiness.

That and I guess I just don’t have a clear idea of what I want.

That is what scares me. I thought I knew what it was before, but I am unclear right now. Not because I’ve grown desperate, but more because I’m questioning how much the details matter.

I’ve heard over and over from others how life didn’t pan out the way they imagined – but it was still great. I know that I definitely didn’t imagine that I’d come to China. Yet, I am here and loving it so very much. It makes me wonder: what’s the use?

People ask me where I think I’ll end up. I just don’t know. My reasoning for that is that my future husband and his job will be the main decider in the matter. But wait a minute, aren’t I suppose to have preferences? Don’t I need to decide what I want or don’t want so I can choose who I date/marry accordingly?

I know don’t feel like I need to be back home, and in fact would rather not end up being just Malaysian for the rest of my life. I’ve only dated Americans and to many, I am the green-card girl. But, honestly, the thought of settling down in suburban US is kind of scary to me, but I don’t know what it’s like because I’ve never really lived in the States (college in Hawaii does not count). Right now, I love the city, but I’m not sure how big a part of my core that love is and how much of an effect it has on my happiness. I know I love the 3rd world and I’ve always thought it ideal to have children raised overseas and having exciting changes every few years with each move, but when I have children, my opinions might change and I might find myself looking for more stability.

So here I am, afraid to have ideals, concrete goals and plans, lost and without direction, stuck in China, subconsciously waiting for some guy to take me out of here and make my major life decisions for with me.

After having said all that, though, I can only be content because there is positive direction in my life. I know the kind of person I want to be; I know the kind of relationship I want to have, and I am trying to do all I can to become that person. To me, as long as I am happy with who I am, I will be able to find happiness in any situation life throws my way.

What it is about me that I cannot view myself, my personality and my future as an individual outside the context of a relationship? Is that good or bad? Do I need to be more decisive and figure out more of what I want, just for me? Do I have to have a clear idea before I can be ready for a relationship? Planning ahead is something I need to learn how to do, but where is the balance? How detailed need the plans be and how flexible do I need to be? Do I just go ahead and plan my life for myself and make plans for family as the opportunity arises to accommodate those initial plans or should it be the other way around?

I don’t have the answers. However, where I am in my life right now, there is no pressure to make those decisions. So for now, I will make the most of the life I lead and stay excited about where it might take me. Ah, the possibilities!

To the future I say “Bring it on!”

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After that, person after person came up to me wanting to know how I was doing. Subdued, solemn, withdrawn, contemplative were the words they used to describe me.

They were all right. But it took a few people pointing it out for me to notice. If I wasn’t already sufficiently out of it, the conversation I had with Landon forced me to be honest with myself and triggered some introspection on how I was doing. It was not well timed because I was in a social situation and wanted to be bubbly and social instead of laden down with thought.

And then I started to get annoyed at the frequency of expressions of concern I was getting. “I’m doing alright! Stop worrying about me!!!”

I really am grateful for the concern and I appreciate the fact that I have real friends, but I have always had a really hard time accepting help. It’s a pride issue. There’s nothing I despise more than pity. Too much asking if I’m ok in the spirit of trying to give me a place to talk about what’s wrong also brings much more emphasis on the negative. I have alone time to work those issues out and I’m happy talking about it in the form of writing when I’ve had time to think about what my feelings are a little first. And I am open to anyone at all reading this if they want “in” on my life. That’s fine. But when I’m with friends (especially in larger quantities), I usually prefer to not think about those things and just focus on having a fun time. When I want to talk, I will volunteer information. It doesn’t need to get dragged out of me.

Right now, I am quite frustrated at my inability to keep that from personal issues infiltrating my social life and don’t enjoy being someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. I’ve come across as not ok (and have been less than my usual bubbly self) in a few other recent social situations before this and I’m getting quite tired of being this moody emotional roller coaster of a girl. Please, please, please don’t let me be one them.

It’s difficult for me to deal with this because I’m used to being someone who is consistently happy and define myself as a happy person. This confusion is particularly scary because the last time I remember feeling that my conception of being a happy person was challenged was almost exactly 2 years ago when I had to deal with depression. I’d hit an ultimate high when Matthew(II) came to visit me in Hawaii over his spring break mid March. There was some serious romance in my life. But after that, I just couldn’t seem to get anything together. One of the concerns Matt raised in our conversations was that he would not have the ability to make me happy. Imagine what it’s like to deal with unhappiness when you’re so used to being completely happy with everything and there is no reason at all for you to be unhappy. It affected my school, my social life: everything and lasted all the way up to July when I came to China.

It’s interesting to note that I love reading the posts that I wrote in that period more than any other period on this blog. Those were some well thought out posts because I was so withdrawn from the world, so reflective, contemplative and introspective. All I did was blog.

I’m seeing a strong parallel between this period and that. I have yet to lose my appetite for social interaction, but I do feel like what Jessamyn said to me about turning introverted at this point in my life being a good thing for me. Back then was the last time I tried to fix all the major problems in my life and things that I wasn’t happy with. I am in the exact same phase now and the only difference is that I’m not a full time student and I am not in a romantic relationship and don’t plan to be for a while.

With the focus in my life over these past couple of weeks being centered around my faults and weaknesses – so I can overcome them – a very important phase I need to go through in my personal journey of self-improvement, I’ve notice a plummet in my self-esteem. That, in turn, has caused me to struggle to find my sense of belonging and place within this group that I love so much. It has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with the way I see myself. I also think that the fact that I was released from my calling as YSA activities coordinator today is affecting me much more than I would like to admit.

So I hit an ultimate high just recently and now I am at a valley. It makes me feel just a little bipolar and I don’t like that at all (I know I’m not, don’t worry). I’m a little worried as being perceived as someone with severe mood swings but the truth is, I am not worried about me at all. And that’s why when asked how I am doing, I answer that “I’m really good”, truthfully, even though it may not look like I am. I am not crazy high energy like I was 2-3 weeks ago, and I am struggling with some issues, but the prognosis is so very positive and I see this phase as necessary for “but a small moment” and am not concerned.

The self-esteem issues will work themselves out. I was reminded as I am writing this of an essay about self-esteem that I wrote for my LDS Perspectives on Psychology class which, incidentally, I took, loved, learned a ton from, but did not pass during my period of depression 2 years ago. In fact, this was the only essay out of the 6 or more I was supposed to write that I actually did. And being unable to negotiate an extension, is ultimately what has put me in China, out of college for this long. Interesting…

Anywho, I think the essay is very relevant to my situation now. I’d just leave it at posting a link but I want to obligate you into reading it, so I will re-post it here.

Self-Esteem and the Divine

The term “self-esteem” has become very much of a household term in our generation. It has crept into our daily vocabulary and has largely affected our view of what is central to our well-being. Simply type the words “self-esteem” into a search engine on the Internet and one will find that among the top results rendered is the excerpt “Building self esteem and self confidence is the key to happiness and success”(Perera 2000).

We dispose of the term freely, using “low self-esteem” as the general diagnosis for the unhappy, the frustrated and the despairing. Parents are concerned about the self-esteem of their children. The lyrics to the song made popular by Whitney Houston reflect our current understanding of self-esteem:

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all (Masser & Creed, 1985).

Indeed, this concept of self-love has found its way into the titles of many self-help books, each prescribing different activities to boost self-esteem and consequently increase productivity, enhance satisfaction and bring increased overall happiness.

Self-esteem is defined as the “belief and confidence in your own ability and value” (Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, 2005). It is the way that we perceive ourselves, our worth and what we are capable of accomplishing.

Our perception of self is central to our identity and seems to affect us in every facet of life. We devote our energy only into tasks we are confident we can accomplish. Someone who is said to have a low self-esteem is often characterized by helplessness and hopelessness and is generally at a state of dissatisfaction.

Here we see that while the scriptures never mention self-image or self-love, there still needs to exist within us a sense of worth and a sort of confidence that fuels our actions. Where we err, then, perhaps lies not in our emphasis on a positive self-concept, or a confidence in what we can achieve, but instead, in where we have sought to find it.

In a world where deity has nearly been completely removed from our vocabulary, man is forced to look within himself to find that confidence. Without a complete understanding of our divine nature, we can only turn to our achievements in comparison to that of others in our self-valuation. However, such comparisons serve as shaky foundations for our self-worth. The result is a type of value that is relative, constantly fluctuating – much like the stock market – and leaving us at the mercy of the world.

Our worth is not relative in the sight of the Lord. If we understand that we are children of our Heavenly Father, his divine offspring, with the potential to become everything he is, in all his majesty and might, then it matters less that Susie looks better in that dress than I do, or that Tom gets paid more. Then, our ultimate source of approval and acceptance should not need to come from our peers, or even ourselves – but from our Father in Heaven.

That may be why we are told, first, to love the Lord with all our heart, might, mind and strength and, then, to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matt 22:37-29 King James Version). There is no commandment issued here to love ourselves: the assumption is that we already do. If we truly do love the Lord and understand the nature of our relationship to him, then an appreciation of our infinite worth is automatic. However, instead of turning that understanding of our worth to self-love, we are directed here, instead, to focus that love towards our neighbors, our brothers and sisters who are just as valuable in the sight of the Lord.

This concept of our infinite worth seems to come into contradiction with the scriptures that speak of our own nothingness (Mosiah 4:5). According to Thomas (1993), this nothingness describes not man’s lack of value, but rather his powerlessness. The word “powerlessness” has a very strong negative connotation. We associate it with the image of someone victimized by what we know as low self-esteem: helpless, deflated and despairing.

However, the powerlessness that Thomas idealizes here does not involve despair or a loss of hope. It is quite the opposite. This powerlessness does not refer to the inability of man to accomplish anything at all, but the incapability of man to do anything of himself, without the infinite power and mercy of the Lord God Almighty.

Herein lies the paradox: one who truly recognizes his powerlessness and comes before the Lord in completely meekness and submission is consequently empowered to do all things. One of the most powerful men that we know of, Ammon, is one such example. It was Ammon who said, “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things” (Alma 26:12).

Ammon demonstrates a positive outlook on life and displays all the signs of what a psychologist may term as a “high self-esteem”, and yet this confidence he demonstrates is not rooted in himself, but in a power far greater than his own. Faulconer (1993) reminds us that confidence in the presence of God is sometimes mistaken for self-esteem or self-confidence.

In placing our focus on creating positive attitudes towards what we can do of ourselves, we make the mistake of accrediting our achievements to man in his mortal frailty. This cuts us off from an incredible source of power. Self-confidence is a puny substitute for God-confidence (Thomas, 1993).

This understanding should cause us to evaluate the importance we place on developing self-esteem. Thomas (1993) points out that the pursuit of self-esteem seems to produce anxiety whereas increasing humility and faith produces consolation and rest. When we advocate efforts to promote self-esteem, perhaps it is because we are confusing self-esteem with hope. Hope is the opposite of despair. The ultimate source of hope is not within ourselves, but in a power far greater than man.

The world’s reliance on self-esteem exists only because they have taken confidence and worth out of context from its source. While having a hope in ourselves is better than having no hope at all, such a hope is limiting and can be damaging to our relationship with the Lord. This self-centered approach turns us away from the ultimate source of hope and happiness, which is our savior Jesus Christ.

Only when the focus is removed from ourselves and placed onto the Lord and the people he will have us serve can we truly achieve that happiness and satisfaction that the world longs for and blindly seeks through self-esteem.

References

Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary (2nd ed.) (2005). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.

Faulconer, J. E. (1993). Self-image, self-love, and salvation. Latter-day Digest. (From http://JamesFaulconer.byu.edu/selfimag.htm).

Masser, M & Creed, L. (1985). Greatest Love of All [Recorded by Whitney Houston]. On Whitney Houston [cassette]. New York, NY: Arista.

Perera, K. (2000). More Self Esteem. [WWW homepage] http://more-selfesteem.com/ (May 27, 2005).

Thomas, M. C. (1993). The doer of our deed and the speaker of our words. BYU Campus devotional (Dec. 1993). Devotional & Fireside Speeches, 1993-94, p. 45-52.

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I notice that. I prefer to call it “having a softening effect on men”. I will admit that I do have this desire to see them weak and vulnerable. Perhaps it is insecurity on my part and because I see myself as weak, I feel like I can’t live up to strength. Subconsciously, I think that only in that weakened state could I really be needed by a man. And I need to be needed.

Related is what I call patient-nurse syndrome. I didn’t come up with the idea, I just don’t know what it is called. Nurses fall in love with their patients because of this dynamic: the strong man weakened and the nurse takes up the role of nurturer – somewhere in there pity plays a part too.

Besides geeks, who are to me tender and ready to be loved by me (a whole draft is waiting to be finished about why I love geeks), nothing attracts me more than man of strength who is in touch with his insecurities and knows how to let his guard down around me. I’ve always said that I want to be loved for my weaknesses. It must be unhealthy, loving a man for his. But you see, to me, allowing yourself to be weak is a strength.

There are few things I fear more than ending up with a man too prideful to admit fault, too hardened to listen to my emotions and his and too “strong”/independent to need me in his life. I wonder why it is that even I equate emotions with weakness.

There is a balance that we all are seeking for and my role as a companion and support is not to weaken and to keep down so that he can belong to me only but to strengthen and lift up so that we can soar together. I know this, but how committed am I to really being that?

I think only after I figure this out will I be able to have a truly healthy relationship with a man I love.

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I realize that a big part of the difference is that I’m not in school and not being exposed to new ideas, I’m not so much in critical thinking mode and I ask less intelligent questions. That makes me very sad. I am doing that distance Montessori training – so there is reading and learning in my life – but it’s not so much of a new idea anymore and the assignments require no critical thinking whatsoever, only creativity within the boundaries of the Montessori method. In fact, because I’m learning it to internalize and practice within my classroom (it is a Montessori school so I do have the obligation to do things the Montessori way), challenging ideas would be a little counter productive right now. Maybe later, when I’m trying to compare and integrate different ideas to form my personal child-raising philosophy. This is so different from real school.

Thinking has not died for me completely, though, I’m glad. There are some things that I have thought about and want to explore through writing (since I lack the ability to express my thoughts verbally on the spot) but lack the time to devote to it. I’m also recently noticing how difficult it is for me to think clear and concise thoughts, which makes the writing process much more complicated and time consuming. To counter that, I’m making an effort now to increase my internal dialog. There was a time when the first few drafts of each post were created in my head before showing up in text. It makes for much better writing: actually thinking about what you’re going to say beforehand. The challenge for me now is to remember those thoughts and keep them in the forefront so I can say them or write them down when the opportunity arises instead of have them die unexpressed.

Here are some of the things I’ve been wanting to explore through writing here on my blog (you should see the number of drafts I have saved – there are 36 to be exact):

1) The freedom/independence Montessori emphasizes on allowing our children and what kind of children/adult that creates. Do I believe they are truly ready for it? Is it constructive? Where to draw the boundaries (so we don’t produce disrespectful and defiant children)? Does it work differently with children in this generation? How does that relate to the traditional ideas of respect, what respect means. Where does the emphasis placed on “obedience” come in. There is a lot of aligning for me to do in that respect. Collectivist vs. individualist. It really is hard to resolve.

2) The leading/following dynamic in dancing and how it relates to dominance and submission (in relationships and, yes, sex) and the gospel. Where does feminism fit in all that?

3) Overpopulation and abortion. How it relates to humans and my cats. If and how the standards are different cross species.

4) Filtering in conversations. Constructive or destructive? Is this social construct really necessary? Where’s the line between too much and too little? How I don’t know how to do it. Add that to my incessant need to tear apart relationships and over analyze them, I think I might have caused new-guy-in-the-picture a considerable amount of hurt.

5) Staying friends post relationship. Is it feasible or advisable? How the relationship changes. In what circumstances can it happen. John and I just had a lovely conversation about each other’s new interests and how we’re friends able to talk about it. The timing is kind of interesting.

Well, there’s a good chance that since I’ve already told you what I’m thinking about, you’ll never see these posts finished. Heh.

Here’s to a more complete understanding of self and life and never forgetting to stop and think.

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